“Millennial” is a buzzword that the media just loves to hop on. It seems that every news source strives to shed a light on something as peculiar and revolutionary as the foreign concept of a “new generation”. Through my perspective as a millennial, I’d love to give everyone insight into our mating patterns:
1. We have a test to determine who wears the “Pants” in the relationship
It’s the 21st Century, and Millennials believe in equality. It doesn’t matter what gender you are or who you’re attracted to; either one, or both of you, can be the breadwinner and bring home the bacon. But in the case of when a couple wants to determine who the breadwinner is, 80’s and 90’s babies have engaged in an ancient ritual since the days of 2007:
Both Millennials sit across the table, and whoever is the first person to lift their eyes from their phone and actually engage in (ugh) human interaction is now the beta in the relationship. This process has been adopted throughout millennial culture and is commonly used to determine who is the CEO in a new Start-Up venture to who will be captain of a sports team, instead of using outdated concepts like merit, intelligence and integrity.
2. We determine how successful our relationship is by how photogenic we look on Instagram
As anyone can guess, us Millennials have long surpassed the need to gauge a successful relationship by things including, but not limited too: intrinsic happiness the other person gives us, whether they push us to be the best version of ourselves and if we can be comfortable and emotional intimacy with our partner.
Instead, we gauge the success of our romantic ties through how presentable we are on social media. Is your partner snapchattable? Is a picture of the two of you together good enough to be an Instagram Story that promotes some tea that will help you on a cleanse? How many likes can you get in a profile picture? Millennials have realized these factors are more important than actually genuinely liking the people we’re with.
3. Complaining is our favourite romantic bonding experience
Similar to peacocks that demonstrate their feathers to attract partners, millennials demonstrate our ability to impress possible mates. We complain about a lot of the things that people older generations say we whine about: global warming, a tough job market, an inflated housing market, and that there is a major shortage of gluten-free holistic designer vegan avocado almond milk. We almost complain as much as older generations complain about us, and we find it most attractive when someone is not self-aware enough to acknowledge that the state of world affairs is really our fault, cause you know, it’s not like most of the lawmakers in our country are from generations older than millennials.
4. The Sweet Nothings we whisper into another’s ear are primarily text abbreviations and emojis
Our generation has long realized that grand displays of love and words of affection are as obsolete as Windows 98. Instead, we have advanced society to a new level when it comes to showing someone you care about them. Here’s a real millennial love letter as an example:
Oh littest of bae’s;
Roses are (peach emoji)
Violets are (eggplant emoji)
And your ex is (poop emoji)
Us millennials are a peculiar bunch, but I hope this crash course has been informative and gives you insight into the worldview of the generation that’s next on deck to run the world.