Dear Davina,

I started dating my boyfriend 8 years ago while we were in both in second year at the university. He was struggling financially and I helped him all through the rest of school. As my parents gave me much more than I required. I rented the house we both lived in and we stayed together all through school. I also supported him with school fees and upkeep.

He had a extra semester so I went to youth service before him and started a very good job work just after. After his NYSC, I moved out of my parents house and rented a place so we could be together. It took him a year to get a job and all these while I took care of his bills.

He got a very good job in marketing with good commissions and in two years, he has done really good for himself. Now he is acting up. He got his own place on the excuse that my 2 bedroom flat was too small. I still have about 7 months to go on my flat so we agreed I will join him when the rent was due.

We had agreed we will get married a year after  he was stabilized. Which should be this year. However when the time came to discuss marriage, he became dodgy. Just recently he became cold and finally says he isn’t ready, that I should either give him more time or move on without him.

I am really heart broken as I have invested the best part of the last 8 years into this relationship. I know that the right thing to do is move on but a part of me is saying that he might still want me. What do I do Davina? Please advice.

Nkiru.

My 2-Cents:

Hello Nkiru,

I feel your pain babe. I hear these stories from time to time from both sexes and it can be heart breaking. It is heartbreaking enough committing yourself to a long term relationship just to have your partner pull the wool from under the rug and decide to walk away.

You could also have a sense of being used where it seems that you were just used like an ATM and dumped when you were no longer needed.

From experience, I have learnt not to judge a book from its coverings. things don’t always seem the way they appear. There might be a side of the story here that your are not seeing.

 

My Advice:

  1. Sometimes, we might read intentions wrongly. He might really genuinely want more time and you might also be piling pressure on him without being aware. The guy might want to have more assurances of financial independence before going ahead to commit himself to you. You might feel that 2 years or what you have seen might be enough. He however might have a different idea in mind. For example, what if the Job is no longer there?
  2. Now he isn’t as dependent on you, you could have some form of insecurity making you think he is cold or withdrawn or even proud. It could just be you reacting to his new found independence.
  3. I would suggest that you try and look at things more candidly and from his own point of view as well. Seat him down for a talk and you guys speak from your hearts. Listen to him and allow him to explain himself and his thoughts. ASsure him were possible but allow him the freedom to express himself.
  4. Where he really and genuinely is dumping you, take a silver lining from this… It is best that his true colors came out now rather than when you had gone too far. From my calculations, you are still in your late 20’s very early 30’s. There is still plenty of time to get hooked up with a good guy.

Please live your life full and without fear. Sometimes your eyes see better without the weight of this long term school relationships where your choices where quite limited.

have an awesome holiday!

Davina

________________________________________________________________________________

TO ALL DD READERS….

You can send your Dear Davina letters to me directly @ davina.r@davinadiaries.com. I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is for my eyes only and I promise complete anonymity when I decide to publish your letter.

I look forward to hearing from you

xoxoxoxoxo

Davina

 

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A Psychologist by training, I love to help people make sense of their unique circumstances and sort through their issues. I realize that relationship issues and matters of the heart can be quite daunting when there’s no one to talk to so at Davina Diaries, I play the “Love Doctor” –
You talk, I listen and We work it out together.

4 COMMENTS

  1. Money isn’t love. Many people don’t understand that. How can you rent a place for a MAN and expect him to love you. See you will forever be a slave to the one who gives you money and Men know this. Pls love with sense. I understand helping out but apply wisdom. You r not his wife or parents. Paying his fees was enough. Renting a house was plain foolish. You should have allowed him hustle with his guys and earn for himself so he feels more like a Man. Anyway love dey turn pesin to mumu. If you chat with him and its clear he’s not into you or you see the signs pls quietly walk away. You deserve better and will get better.

  2. I can relate to your pains, disappointment and somehow regret because in my case I dated my school sweetheart (ex) for 11years and ended up being deceived. I only find out it was really over because I went out of my usual self to find out, even when caught he still insisted he loves me. He didn’t have the courage to tell me to my face rather he painted me black before his parents that took me as their daughter and his friends. So I ended up broken and battered but thank God I survived. It was the most trying time of my life.

    Don’t blame yourself, all you ever did was show your love bcos when you truly love someone, you can’t but try to do everything within one’s capacity to help. Pls note In your discussion with him focus more on his non verbal expression and not his words bcos most men will not have the courage to tell you the truth rather he will continue to sweet talk you to believe he is very much still interested in you. From your letter, you said he told you to give him time or move on without him. No man who has made up his mind that you’re his future will outer such words for you to move on with someone else without him. The truth is Eight years is long enough to weaken whatever emotional tie you guys had. He has enjoyed everything about you in a family setting. Is like 8years after marriage and it only takes Real Men who knows what commitment is to consciously keep and build their union.

    Trust me, there are better options out there. All you need is to truly let go and forgive. See your time and resources as investment that God only used you to achieve. Acknowledge the fact that you were a channel and not the source bcos someone else is also doing same for the man you will marry.
    In my case, I met the most amazing man God ever made, far better than my ex in every sense and capacity and am happily married and expecting at the Moment. Who says your life must end up with him. Look beyond him and you will thank him later for letting you go bcos each time my ex call me now, I usually tell him thank you for ending things bcos he was a stone and I ended up with a diamond.

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