Thanks for your beautiful column and the advise you dish out. I met my husband in 2010 and we got married September and I had my son November that same year. The problem is that my husband does not drop penny for upkeep, I now have a daughter also for him.
He moved back to his parents house for a while now. He won’t come to visit us for up to eight months, and when he comes he stays like five days and leaves. This has been going on for years, even if myself or the kids are sick , he won’t come. I am in charge of rent, school fees, medical, feeding and all. In a year I don’t have sex up to ten times. This year alone we,ve had sex like five times. My feelings is gone, I am scared of everything. I work and I earn good money. If not for God I would have ended up having an extra marital affair last year. He has never called to ask me how I get money to pay the bills. I also do send him money. His mum told that most times he do ask me for money that he’s lying.
I feel used and I feel the reason he ever married me was cos he saw I was hardworking and he can use me. I thought I knew the family well but I realized that I didn’t and they are all just greedy.
Now what do I do, my parents were divorced, my elder sister is also having marital issues. I believe I have been a good wife, we have not quarreled and I don’t rubbish him in front of the kids. How can a husband avoid his wife for up to eight months every year, is it possible for a guy to b satisfied with having sex for just five times a year.
Hello Edna, thanks for your nice comments and your letter.
It can be difficult to give completely accurate advice without more knowledge of the matter. For example, I would have liked to know a bit more about your courtship and what transpired in it. From the timeline you have given, you must have slept with your husband in February for you to have had a child in November assuming the child was full term. Any which way, you were already pregnant by the time you were marrying him. Means you had very short courtship.
It is however quite obvious you didn’t know the man you were getting married to and are unfortunately just beginning to discover him. The bad news though is that it is difficult to change a man at certain stages of his life and you would need to accept some things.
I would also have loved to hear from your husband so as to have a more balanced story. Having said that, I think I have a few things to say.
- You need to determine what this marriage means to you and what you want out of it. The fact that the man appears from time to time indicates that he recognizes the marriage and still wants to be a part of it. That is a good thing.
- If your husband doesn’t come to you and you know where he lives, why don’t you go to him? I suggest that you go visit him and stay with him wherever he is. I would have said that you and your children should pack from your house and go stay with him. If it is too much trouble to pack, don’t be the one waiting for him to visit. He is your husband, you don’t need permission to visit him. Go visit him as often as you want to, I think that when you do, the sex life would be more frequent.
- I can’t help but comment on the fact that your parents are divorced and as you mentioned, your sister is going through marital issues. Children tend to mirror issues in their parents life. Have you guys spoken about this? What are his complaints? Listen to them, they might be a clue to what is going on. A lot of men I know in this situation would rather live with you and be content to have you do all the work. For the man to be staying away, there is more to the matter than meets the eye.
- Having said that, are you really sure the man is staying with his parents and doesn’t have a family elsewhere? If it is that truly he moved back to his family house and you are sure of this, then it means it is you he is running away from. If he has a second wife or family, that is a different equation, if it is you, then you might want to make some changes if you really want to keep the marriage.
I would love to hear more of this matter and also do a part 2 that we can all leave more from. Please you can add to the comment section or you can write me on how it develops. Much love
TO ALL DD READERS….
You can send your Dear Davina letters to me directly @ firstname.lastname@example.org. I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is for my eyes only and I promise complete anonymity when I decide to publish your letter.
I look forward to hearing from you