Hi everyone, I have a backlog of Dear Davina mails to catch up on so I thought to do an extra one for today. Today I am dealing with a subject that occurs regularly. I have dealt with it in previous Dear Davina issues but it is a reoccurring thing in relationships. As it is, I have about 3 or 4 Dear Davina on this issue that I haven’t been able to deal with.
It is all about appreciation in relationships and how people judge how someone else loves them and how they don’t love them. I think it is largely a matter of perspective and a function of the human nature which several times, wants more without understanding that a lot is already been given.
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Dear Davina, He Doesn’t Appreciate Me enough
I am 25years old and I have been in a relationship with this guy for 1yr and some months. He loves me and I love him too. The problem is he doesn’t appreciate me, he loves spending more time with others than with me and the most problem is that he is not romantic.
My two cents…
Thanks for your mail. I truly appreciate your opening your heart to me.
There is a big issue for me when it comes to appreciation because a number of times, it is really a matter of perspective and amount.
let me go further. You say the guy loves you. How do you know he loves you? There must be a way he is communicating that love for you to know that he does love you. Is it in his verbal communication, is it in his non-verbal communication? Whatever way he is communicating the love, he must be doing it well enough for you to understand it and know that it is there.
So the next thing has to do with appreciation. Appreciation is defined as Recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something. A way of showing someone that you care or you love something about them. This interestingly is caught up in the show of love. So it is actually difficult to know someone loves you if the person doesn’t show you appreciation.
What I take from this is that you want him to spend more time with you and be much more loving aka “romantic”. Have you thought to think that maybe you might be wanting too much from him? I have seen people move from the realm of love into the realm of possessiveness without knowing. Being possessive is wanting more than your fair share of someone. You must remember that the individual had a life before you came around and also has a life now. He has other things he has to do besides loving you.
I don’t know if you work or are engaged in something else apart from this relationship. If you have excess time on your hand, you are likely to be in this place where you are wanting more than can be offered. He isn’t yet your husband and you guys haven’t made a home yet. You have only been in a relationship for just over a year, it takes a while for that relationship to come around especially as you are nor affianced.
My first advice is to be a bit more critical of your demands for more of his time. Be appreciative of the time you have with him and don’t spend time complaining. Why does he spend the time with the other people? What is he doing with them? It might be for reasons of profitability. Be assured of the fact that he loves you.
Second, teach him how to be romantic and love you. It can be frustrating loving a woman. Even the women don’t know what they want sometimes. They say one thing and want something else. Let him know how to be romantic by you being romantic. Being romantic isn’t just one-sided. He shouldn’t just be the one planning all the romance and your job is to show up and be romanced.
At the same time, teaching him to be romantic isn’t about nagging him to death or showing him examples of how his friends or someone on youtube is buying a car called assurance for their girlfriend. Surprise him with a candle-lit dinner. Go out of your way and plan something spectacular for him. It isn’t always about money.
Talk to him about how to love you better by loving him better. Give him a reason to always want to be with you and less than with the other people. Use the power of the pull to get him on your side? What is that? figure it out ( smile)
I hope this help
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