Dear Davina,

I met this guy and we started seeing each other early this year. My mom always puts pressure on me to get married but I was tired of past disappointments so I just ignored her.

When I met him, he asked me if I was single and I said yes and asked him too and he said likewise. We just clicked and started seeing each other. He told me he wanted us to have a baby and I said I’d love to but my mom will kill me if I do that before marriage.

He promised me he’ll go to my people and perform the necessary rites after the baby. I loved him and gave in to him. I forgot to mention he lives abroad.

I got pregnant before he left the country. He was doing well, sending me money for my rent and upkeep every month. What I found strange however was that he hardly called me whenever he’s home.

Sometimes he’ll text me for two consecutive days without our usual video calls. I always accused him of having someone there and he says I’m too paranoid because of my past relationship.

I’m now 6 months pregnant and just discovered he has been living with his girlfriend and they’ve been together for long. He then told me that as at the time he met me, they had broken up and he fell for me.

Right now my hands are tied, I’m pregnant and I don’t know what to do. He said he didn’t tell me earlier because I was pregnant and he didn’t want anything to happen to me or his baby. That he’s been living with the girl for long but she’s refused to give him a child.

He, however, called my mom to tell her that he was responsible for my pregnancy and is ready to come to marry me early next year after the baby arrives. I don’t know my stand right now.

He was even asking if it’s ok for him to marry two and I said no way, so he’s like I’ve left him confused. I am more than confused and don’t know who to talk to. I can’t even tell my mom. Please help me, I’m thinking too much and I’m afraid it’ll affect my pregnancy.

Rose.

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My two cents…

Dear Rose my sista, I am sorry but you have entered what is defined as wahala. This guy has played you and I am pretty sure that at the back of your mind, you know it.

I dealt with a matter like this earlier, you can read it here.

The truth of the matter is that your choices are few as the guy holds the majority of the cards. I don’t believe his story of how the girl had left as at the time he decided to hook up with you. From your descriptions of how his communication changed immediately, he went back, it is obvious she had always been there.

There is so much mystery with all these abroad boys. Maybe he did arrangee to get his visa/stay/citizenship or maybe he has married one mama that is too old to give birth and as such got you pregnant just to have a child. Unfortunately, you can’t just take your suitcase and travel there to find out.

Accepting paternity and actual marriage are two different things. What I deduce from your story is that he seems more interested in having a baby than in you. I truly wonder why you agreed to get pregnant before marriage? From what I read, his condition precedent to marrying you is that you first have the baby.

While the guy seems all charming and right-headed, he has displayed a dark side which shows that he shouldn’t be trusted at all. I mean, he had no regard to your feelings and your person. He just deceived you and wants to turn you into a baby factory. I truly wonder what he is capable of if you are all alone with him

My advice…

I don’t advocate that people should get married just because the lady got pregnant. That complicates issues much further. I don’t trust this guy nor his intention. Fortunately, he has gotten you pregnant. I say fortunately because I don’t consider a baby an unfortunate thing.

You would need to tell your mum everything because you have a long road ahead. Even if he is willing to marry you after the baby, I would advise you not to. You do not know what other shockers might be ahead of you.

The trust necessary in the relationship is already broken and I wouldn’t advise you to go ahead. I sincerely think he is married to the lady he is calling his girlfriend. What he is asking you to do is to accept to be a second wife. I am pretty sure that the arrangement would be for you to be the African wife and the other to be the abroad wife.

If you are comfortable with this, please go ahead. You clearly don’t have that much of a choice. You can’t dictate either because you are essentially the “side chick” as the other lady was there first. I am pretty sure that after the baby, the full conditions and terms of the marriage would be revealed.

At this stage, I would advise you to move ahead with your life. Work out child support from him and consider yourself a single mother. Concentrate your energy on giving birth and then plan how to handle yourself moving forward.

Being a single mother doesn’t spoil your chances of meeting a good guy and settling down. I think you deserve better than to settle with a guy who took advantage of you and deceived you for his own selfish purpose.

I hope this help

____________________________
TO ALL DD READERS…
You can send your Dear Davina letters to me directly @ davina.r@davinadiaries.com. I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is for my eyes only and I promise complete anonymity when I decide to publish your letter.
I look forward to hearing from you
xoxoxoxoxo
Davina

5 COMMENTS

  1. He might eventually not marry the other lady. This is Africa. If you still love him and he takes care of you, then you can marry him. Tell everything to your mum and listen to her advice. Allow the guy to be responsible for his child. Meee

  2. Bin educated is not a key to effective marriages and relationship…….looking at it from a declarative point of view,marriages has bin in existence before d advent of western education. Therefore, its all about choice.tnk u

  3. Let him take responsibility of the child but move on. Being a single mum doesn’t mean you can’t get married to another man. Take good care of yourself, pray hard and everything will fall in place. Don’t be a 2nd wife unless you want a marriage where you’d have no voice or say. A relationship built on lies and secrecy won’t hold.

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