Dear Davina,
I read your stories and feed backs every now and then and I must commend you for your diligence and wisdom. Which is why I have the confidence to write you today.

I am engaged to my boyfriend of over 5 years, university sweethearts. I am 25 years old and he is 30. We had a basic introduction in December 2017 and since then have found it hard to work towards a date.

He is a lieutenant in the army and giving the nature of the job, is quite unstable. He has been deployed to two different places already in this year, the first coming barely a week after our introduction.

Quite frankly, I have been apprehensive about the whole wedding arrangements working out this year or not. He is rather nonchalant about issues like this that I consider highly important.

I understand that he has financial responsibilities that take all of his pay, yet I expect him to make a wedding happen. Am I asking too much? Am I being insensitive?

Only recently, it dawned on me that we could keep going like this till the end of this year and probably the next. He claims he wants what I want too, but that reassurance only comes when I express my concerns.

Another disturbing issue is the fact that his mother has no idea how preparations towards the wedding are going. He never offers her information and she never asks. He claims that she has no problems with me and would in fact love to see us get married, he can tell by her actions.

She’s never actually said anything like that. His parents never got married and he’s an only child. His dad is late also. Which is why I think his mother ought to be in the fore front of his wedding arrangements/preparations, except she has some unspoken reservations.

I finally told him yesterday to make it happen before the end of the year or it might not be us anymore.

It’s more about the fact that I could be wasting my time only to never have a wedding, which would mean leaving the relationship.

Am I really being too demanding or just finally placing a value on myself as per my relationship?

I would appreciate a feedback from you soon. Thank you for your time and God bless you.

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My two cents..

Hi Mary,
thanks for your mail.

On the surface, it would seem that you are too demanding. For example, you had basic introduction less than a year ago, amongst others. However, there are some underlying things you wrote that throw off alarms in my head. I would like us to look at them.

1. his mum’s seeming nonchalant attitude to the wedding. Most mothers are the ones that champion the weddings of their kids. They always seem to be in a hurry to hold their grandchildren. Mothers of soldiers seem to particularly be in even more of a hurry to get their kids somewhat settled due to the nature of their profession.

I find it odd that the mum isn’t the one pushing for the wedding or asking the necessary questions. If she was enthusiastic about you both getting married as her son says, she would be on your case or on his case. At the least, she would have had a couple of discussions with you on the matter. I mean weddings involve a lot of preparations from both families and it is something that needs to be done with some delicacy. I don’t think the mum would just seat back and fold her hands if she was in agreement with the wedding. There is something here that doesn’t meet the eye.

2. You mentioned somewhere that his parents never did marry. It could be that he doesn’t see marriage as much of a big deal because of this. He could be content with the status quo and if you are not careful that status quo could be so for a long time.

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My Advice

I think his mother holds the key. It is likely that there is some reservations that she has expressed that he isn’t communicating to you.

It is likely that he is trying to balance the love of the two women in his life. His mum whom he likely has a sense of loyalty and you.. his future wife. So while yes the fact that his parents never married could be a factor, I would say that his mother’s actions or in actions seem to reveal some.

I would advice that you forcefully get the cat out of the bag. Tactfully go see the mum and ask her if she has any reservations towards your marrying her son. If you have been in a relationship with him for 5 years, there must have been enough interactions between you and her for you to gauge how she feels towards you.

Get her to reveal her feelings, her thoughts and her fears. Take time to address them carefully because they matter. A widow with an only son is a bit more sensitive than others and would have critical concerns which need to be addressed. Don’t ignore that.

Try win her over and make her an ally and you would see that the wedding would happen sooner than later.

I hope this helps
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TO ALL DD READERS….
You can send your Dear Davina letters to me directly @ davina.r@davinadiaries.com. I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is for my eyes only and I promise complete anonymity when I decide to publish your letter.
I look forward to hearing from you
xoxoxoxoxo
Davina

5 COMMENTS

  1. I think the most important thing has been left undone. You have to warm yourself to the mother’s heart and gain her confidence. As already advised, please seek an audience with the mother and try to win her to your side. For an only son and a widow, you must be down to earth to win the battle. Spend time with her, study her and cultivate the habit of being with her. Who knows during these five years whether you have not visited the mother while the son was away! Please don’t see her as the stumbling block. I can assure you she has the key to the marriage. Good luck.

  2. Girlfriend with all the signs and red flags on the wall u still not seeing . Wise up. Ask urself what u really want and plan ur life well. Pray abt this and allow the Lord to lead u take decisions that will benefit u.stay blessed.

  3. From what you said, his parents never had any marriage but gave birth to him. Then, what do you expect the mother to do? Can she give what she doesn’t have? In my opinion, going closer to the mother might generate more problems for her since most moms of one son are usually possessive of their only son. Prayers! Prayers!! Prayers!!! That’s what you need for a break through.

  4. The culture of the boy is also an issue. Some cultures permits a man to take a girl live with her have children and at his own time he officially marries her. That may be his parents story. Don’t let it be yours. Be careful and pray

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