welcome to another edition of your favourite Dear Davina. Thanks for all your comments, contributions and your letters. Please keep them coming. Today we have an interesting letter. We are publishing both a Dear Davina and a My Divorce Story from the same person on the same day.
Dear Davina: He keeps too much to himself, How can I help him?
I just found your articles and found them encouraging, thanks for creating a forum like this.
I am a woman aged 44, I have been through tough times financially, in relationships and otherwise. If there is anything I owe God is thanksgiving because He has given me the grace to keep going.
I got married to a supposed friend and brother a few years ago. The marriage was full of assaults, as he would drink, beat me up and forcefully spend my earnings on other women. I prayed, fasted for him to change but my efforts were not yielding any result; rather, he grew worse.
I later got to know that he was even married years back and that the marriage scattered on the same grounds. When I realized that my marriage was based on falsehood, and I was not gaining anything from it except ridicule and assaults, I decided to embark on a divorce journey which was successful. You can imagine that everyone that heard about my divorce congratulated me, including some members of his own family.
After the divorce, I had to let go of my past and think of how to be settled and become a mother, lest I forget, the previous marriage did not produce any child despite my efforts and prayers.
Not too long after my divorce, I got hooked up with a childhood family friend who used to protect me as a child then. He also had a failed relationship, we got talking and finally fell in love. Both families got informed and were happy about it.
This guy is cool-headed, not a womanizer, fighter or drunkard and I have grown to know him. But the major challenge is that he keeps to himself too much and I am not comfortable with that. The question is how can I help him get out of this attitude without having issues? I am the type that opens up without pretending and I don’t hide my feelings, I love communication but he shies away from it. Please advice
My Two cents…
First of all, I congratulate you on your strength and ability to recover from your previous marriage. Interestingly, We also published your divorce story today. Folks can read that story here.
Not everyone has that strength to bounce back as you have done. Divorce can be a very traumatic experience leaving both parties scarred. It is likely that it is his experiences from his previous marriage or relationships that have made the man that way. It is not something that would be dealt with in a hurry. In as much as he has fallen in love enough to marry you, He would need some time to trust you enough in the marriage to open up and be as free as you want him to be.
1. Don’t push or rush him. Allow time to be a healer and allow him to learn to trust you. Trust is a journey. Just be there and available. As he gets more comfortable with you, he will open up.
2. Talk to him. Express your concerns to him. Ask him to share his fears and concerns and reassure him that you wouldn’t betray him. Always talk to him. Share your thoughts with; never get tired of communicating nor decide to pay him back by not talking. Then, you would break what you are labouring to build.
Finally, consider that he might just be a quiet person. You are coming from a loud and noisy relationship. Maybe some silence would pay you. Some people are just that way – they are introverts in that they keep a lot to themselves. The best thing you can do is to just assure him of your friendship and be there for when he is willing to open up.
TO ALL DD READERS…
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