I Have been wanting to do a dear Davina like this for a while. In my younger days, this was quite an issue and overshadowed so many relationships. I was however quite interested in doing this when I met a young girl saying stuff about not marrying a young man primarily because of the tribe he was from. I thought that was quite archaic especially coming from someone in this age and times. However, I was quite surprised to see it pop up now and then.

What do you think? Should matters of tribe overshadow one’s relationship? Would you refuse a girl or a guy on the basis of their tribe? I would like us to have a robust discussion on this. I want to hear your thoughts.

Please don’t forget to read past Dear Davina episodes. I also look forward to your comments. Please take time to read our other Davina Diaries articles as well. Thanks

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Dear Davina, His Mother Doesn’t Like Me Because Of My Tribe

I’m in a relationship with a guy and we want to get married
He told his mother about me and she says she doesn’t like the tribe I come from
My boyfriend has tried talking to her for months but she’s not listening.

I decided to back off so he marries the woman his mother wants but he wouldn’t let me go and I also love him too.

He says we should get pregnant so that she would allow us to get married
Is that the right thing to do?
Juliet

My two cents…

Hi Juliet,

thanks for your mail.
First of all like I said in my opening, I believe it is archaic that in this time and season, people are still concerned about one’s tribe when choosing a partner. It shows how close-minded that person is.

Situations like this exist for several reasons though.
1. The individual is not well educated and only knows the tribe from hearsay.
2. The individual may have had a raw deal from members of that tribe and is consumed with anger and hate towards that tribe. For example, I know a woman whose husband was killed during a race riot who is very bitter towards the tribe of those who killed her husband. The actions of a few people shouldn’t be ascribed to a full tribe.
3. She might feel that there is too much close blood between the two tribes not to permit marriage.

As it looks, her concern is with the first two. We can look at ways of ameliorating the issue.

My advice…

First of all, don’t get pregnant for him. That is the worse way to deal with this matter, and I will explain soon.

My first advice is that if you and the guy are truly on the path of marriage, get older, very responsible and educated members of your family to go see his mother and talk it over. People like your Dad, your uncles or older relations. A lot of times, the older ones are able to make peace and put to rest the agitations of the aggrieved. It should be easier for you seeing that it is the part of the male not the female that has this concern. Also try and see older members of her family who don’t have this bias and get them to win her over.

My second advice would be in the case of where you have both tried the above approaches and she is still adamant. You can both go ahead and get married. Your future husband would have to be the man that he is expected to be and not try and sneak around. A man who can’t stand for his right or in defense of his wife shouldn’t be married. It means that he would continually look for short cuts in marriage.

While the bible says we should see the blessings of our parents, the same bible asks parents not to frustrate their kids. The mother shouldn’t use her personal biases to ruin the home and future of her kids. If her bias is founded and logical, that is fine but not this.

You must both decide that once you go this way, you are likely not going to win her favor and she may never come around although in several cases, the mother has come around. Getting pregnant would only re-inforce her thoughts about you and your tribe and is not the way to go about it. Your man has to man up and do the right thing.

I hope this help

____________________________
TO ALL DD READERS…
You can send your Dear Davina letters to me directly @ davina.r@davinadiaries.com. I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is for my eyes only and I promise complete anonymity when I decide to publish your letter.
I look forward to hearing from you
xoxoxoxoxo
Davina

2 COMMENTS

  1. It’s not a do or die affair to be married. When signs like this happen before marriage then go to God in prayers, He knows the future and it may be a preventive measure. Marriage is not a bed of roses oh.

  2. Since d mother is against the marriage and d guy got married to his mother’s choice then what are u waiting for ? Live him and move on with your life.

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