Another new week and another Dear Davina wow!! I hope you guys had a swell weekend. What makes a good relationship? How do you know if the person you are currently in a relationship is the right person to marry? That is the dilemma facing a lot of people especially women who are in an older age. Sometimes they can feel and hear the marital clock ticking and they rush and sometimes make the wrong decisions. I would try and deal with this with a couple of Dear Davina this week. Please keep the comments coming. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. You guys are simply great.

Good day, Dear Davina,
I am a 33-year-old woman and I have been in a relationship for some months now
A little background about myself. I am a medical doctor, a born-again Christian although I have not been lucky in relationships. My last relationship ended after we had done our introduction because I realised he was a cheat

Coming to the present, I was connected to my present guy by a friend. To be honest, I didn’t really like his looks but I decided to give the relationship a try because he is a Christian which is very important to me.

As the relationship progressed, I started noticing that he wasn’t being totally honest with me
1. He wasn’t open about his finances
2. He lied about his educational background ( he failed out of medical school and he didn’t tell me)……I found out because I asked about the discrepancies in his year of graduation
3. I feel he won’t think on the same frequency……some jokes he doesn’t get it, we don’t play or gist
4. I could be with him all day and we may not say up to 10 sentences
5. I feel he has some sort of inferiority complex around me
6. I am not physically attracted to him

Dear Davina, I need advice because this guy is a Christian with good values and it’s quite hard to meet Christian men these days
So I’m confused.

What if I walk away and this should have been God’s plan for me? What if I marry him and I end up being bored and dissatisfied with life?

He wants to get married but I can’t bring myself to move forward with the relationship in the face of all these uncertainties. I also feel I would carry the whole financial burdens in the home because he is not forthcoming with money or gifts. I am afraid because I’m not getting any younger and I’m scared of being alone.

Please Dear Davina, help me and advice me…..I am soooooo depressed
Thank you

My thoughts…

I feel you very sincerely. This is a dilemma that faces several sistas. It is the paradigm of “a bird in hand being worth more than two in the bush” However, Ross T, dealt with something similar to this in a “my divorce story”. You can read it up by clicking here.
Women get pressurised by their “biological clock” and by society to make some horrid decisions. There is also some part of some wrong teaching in some churches that seem to suggest that just because he is a Christian brother, he would make a perfect suitor. You must know that Christian relationships are not immune to divorce. While we see a lower amount of divorce’s relative to the world, we still have a fair amount of divorce or unhappy marriages amongst Christians. I quite agree that a Christian brother would be the most ideal for you to marry by reason of your faith but I do not agree with you that they are that scarce.

1. the signs are already there and are not about to get any better. the fact that he lied to you about his education reveals something about his inner character and has also created trust issues between you both. why did he lie, why did it have to be you to discover the lie? When someone tries to claim what he isn’t it goes beyond a white lie and reveals a whole lot of the kind of person he is. I am wondering what else you would discover as the relationship goes on.

2. In relationships and leading into marriage, there must be a level of compatibility between the couples. There should be a shared sense of purpose and a ground where you both can relate. It is obvious that this doesn’t exist and all that exists is just the fact that he is a good Christian. I don’t think that is enough grounds to run into marriage with him. If at this point of a relationship when the pressures haven’t come in, you guys didn’t have compatibility, what would it be like when you are under pressure and need to find a common place to resolve conflicts?

3. It is very obvious even to you that your relationship has no basis. It is obvious that you are only sticking to him because of fear of the unknown. This is obvious in the questions you are asking which in themselves can be quite terrifying questions as they deal with the unknown, the call of God upon your life and also issues around your future.

One thing you must know is that God works within your desires. He wouldn’t force you into something uncomfortable or force you against your will. While we understand that there are different phases of God’s will, we should also understand that God fundamentally wants you happy and he wouldn’t grant you unhappiness or subject your life to a life of gloom and unhappiness. Too often, it is your sense of guilt and fear that pushes you to accept stuff thinking that you are working within God’s calling when you might not be.

My advice…

1. First of all, the best person to give you the most effective counsel is your pastor. You pastor knows you and this guy more than i. If you present your points to your pastor, it is more than likely that there are certain areas that your pastor would advice based on having more information and spiritual oversight over you.

2. having said that, unless overruled by your pastor, this is one relationship that you should walk away from. The fundamentals underlying a good and solid relationship have either being broken or are not existent. I can only see the issues getting worse in marriage leading to more unhappiness.

3. You seem desirable. The way, this guy came into your life, the ideal man would come in. The ideal man isn’t the one that is perfect in everything but is one who has the basics complete and who is willing and able to work with you both to achieve perfection in his life and for your life. You must understand that perfection is not a destination but it is a journey and it is a process. relationship and marriages go through stages and the perfect relationship and marriage is the one that is able to adapt and change as life throws its curves and balls at it.

Bottom line, this guy isn’t the one. the sooner you allow him to go, the sooner the man for you can come in. 33 years, 35 years or even 40 years isn’t too old to marry considering that if you live to the age of 75 or 80, you would have been with the same man for over 40 or 50 years. I hope I helped. I would love to hear more from you.

much love,
Davina
____________________________
TO ALL DD READERS…
You can send your Dear Davina letters to me directly @ davina.r@davinadiaries.com. I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is for my eyes only and I promise complete anonymity when I decide to publish your letter.
I look forward to hearing from you
xoxoxoxoxo
Davina

9 COMMENTS

  1. The counsel is well articulated and sensible. I believed that the will of God is not accompany with fear. If there is a fear in your heart, then there’s a need to chec it very well.

    • Hi Christie,

      I don’t think so. I also don’t believe in sleeping with someone before marriage. Sadly, the concept of relationships have changed. Prior to now, relationships were precursors to marriage but that isn’t the case for today.

      I believe that if he wants you enough, he should put a ring on your finger and walk you down the aisle. When you give him everything for free, why should he be in a hurry to put the ring?

      No I don’t think it is right to sleep over

  2. dear davina i have been in a relationship for over 6mnths now….and am.in.pains becuz my boyfriend lies alot but i love him..what will i do

  3. I so much love your counsel. The problem with most Nigerian Christians is that we are too religious to look into some issues that will land us in future problems all in the name f your religion.
    I advice she walk away too because if she relate the issue to her pastor, the pastor will tell her to go ahead and that is the Perfect will of God.
    Love and religion alone can not sustain marriage just as you have stated Davina, other things should be considered too and there should be common ground for the 2 people considering marriage.
    I love your advice and counsel.
    Well sone

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