Once in a while, I get really a long Dear Davina from a reader in need of advice. sometimes I try to edit them and make them shorter but I find that doing that removes some of the essences of what the writer is trying to convey so I just let it be. Today I have one from Anna. Just as the title, her story is a bit painful and her pain comes out through as you read her. Thanks for the comments and conversations from the past Dear Davina we have dealt with. Please take time and read more of our lovely articles.
Dear Davina: I Am confused and in pain, I need your advice.
Dear Davina, I am 23 years of age and in my final year in the university. I have been dating this guy for over 2 and a half years. I stayed with him for two years. He is the goofy type and I am too so at home we usually had lovely moments though we fight. Which is normal.
In our first year, I caught him cheating with another. He admitted he did wrong and begged me for forgiveness and I did forgive him. I later got to know it was not his fault. It was the girl who kept pushing herself on him every other day. He asked the girl to stop calling and texting his phone since its ruining our relationship. Then he blocked the girl.
I went home on one of the weekends to see my mum. On my return to his place (that was when we used to live together), I went in search of something from his wardrobe and I noticed he had 3 sets of designer perfumes which he has hidden from me and a new jalabia. When he got home I asked why he hid it from me he laughed and said he was not hiding it! He only was keeping it safe.
At that time, I was wondering how he had managed to buy such expensive perfumes because we were facing a small financial problem. I did my findings and I got to know the same girl he had warned and blocked was the one who got him the perfume and jalabia from Dubai.
All of a sudden, he started complaining I was unappreciative. I apologized for being unappreciative (which I wasn’t at all) and he knew!
One day, he told me to go back to my parents’ house since it wasn’t right for us to be living together. I understood perfectly that we both knew we were doing wrong, so we took the step for a healthy relationship. On one of the days I was packing my things, I had to copy something from his laptop since I had a few of my school assignments on it.
I went through his photos and I found pictures of that same girl on his laptop! I took photos of it and sent it to him to explain! He rather insulted me and asked me never to touch his laptop again! Which I obeyed. I cried myself to sleep that night.
I then moved out to my aunties place and we still had a cool relationship until he started again with me being unappreciative! He blocked my number from calls, text, unfriended me on Facebook, blocked me on WhatsApp and removed me from his snap!
Now my boyfriend is making money which I know. I went there one-night cos I had to study, and I had no light that evening. Upon entering his bedroom, I noticed my clothes were no longer in his wardrobe, where I kept my heels and slippers had been moved! I texted him to ask where my things where he didn’t text back. He came home with anger written on his face and told me he had kept them in his suit bag since he was cleaning up the room. I said nothing and gave him a fake smile…
Dear Davina, Just 3 days ago I went to see him, and I found a used condom in the trash can inside the bathroom. I thought it was for his brother since his brother had come around! I searched the room for condoms and I found two packs in his waist bag. I wanted to call him out on it, but I just had patience with my heart!
Before I would leave I had a talk with him just to settle our difference. He told me! I should act like a single woman and do not involve him in my life since he does not care! I asked him for money to start a business and he said he will not give me bluntly!
He knows the state of my phone, I respectfully asked for a new phone since that is what I use to reach my customers and it’s in a deplorable state, but he told me bluntly that he would not change it.
I kept mute and cried my heart out. Before I would leave I saw on snap that another girl had posted his picture and covered his face with love emojis. I asked him about it and he said why am I worried about his picture and that he is out there making his money and am worried about a picture another female posted! I did the usual that night kept mute and cried myself to sleep.
Dear Davina, the very girl he once told me he had blocked is the same girl he is marketing her catering service on his snap.! It is not easy getting my boyfriend to market my goods for me!
Please advise me. I love him so much and I am not willing to let go but these past few months the pain has been severe! I feel now that he is making money he wants to cut me off! I starved with him! I was down for him and I still am. I fasted and prayed to God for his restoration. I interceded on his behalf! When he was sick and down I was down too. When he stumbled and fell, and his friends gathered in glee … I called upon God to intervene. When he would cry I will mourn as though I lost a mother!
Is this what I get for being faithful and loyal? Is this what I get for dating just one man?? What hurts the most is he said “I (he) trust outsiders more than me” All I did was love him
My two cents…
thanks for the mail. I truly feel your pain
the truth though is very clear in your mail. It is just that you don’t want to admit it. Your guy has moved on and so should you as well.
The hints are all there. you did mention that he asked you to behave like a single girl and not involve him in your life. You speak about him helping the other lady and not you, His anger when you bring up issues regarding other women flaunting him on social media and above all, his removing your stuff from his house and hiding them away.
Your finding used condoms and packs of condoms obviously shows that he is involved with someone else and he really doesn’t care that much about you.
I don’t buy the story that the girl seduced him so much that he slept with her. There are many steps involved in sleeping with someone. If he was that sincere, why did he remain in touch with her? Why did he continue to accept gifts from her? I believe all he did was a show to try and get you off his back and his real self is finally showing. He isn’t worth it.
Move on. The worst thing you can do is throw yourself on a man who not only doesn’t care but sees you as an irritant. There is no way you can either win him back that way and neither do I advise you to try to win him back.
You are rather young and have a full life ahead of you. I believe that twenty years was kinda too young to have found yourself in such an intense relationship. There are so many things that it brings. On one hand, you limit your choices, secondly, you make wrong choices because you aren’t really in a place where you know what is really right for you. As such, you are likely to be taken advantage of as this guy has done.
Face your studies and come out with a good grade. Channel the pain of this relationship into getting ahead in life and establishing yourself. This is a distraction you really don’t want to weigh you down. Let him see your value and what he missed out by behaving this way. I can assure you that despite how hard it might look now and despite the sacrifices you have made, in future, you would look back and be grateful you moved on.
I hope this help
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