welcome to another glorious week full of great and awesome things. I believe that everyman holds the key to his/her own success and so it shall be with you amen!. Welcome to another Dear Davina day. We have been dealing with issues around sexual molestation and it’s effect on relationships and one’s love life. Today I have a mail from Moji and here it goes:
I had an okay childhood but I was sexually abused as a child, I did not tell anyone about it as I was asked not to. I grew up being very angry and reserved and kept to myself.
I never had anything with any man till I got to the university. In my first serious relationship I decided to give love a chance and gave my heart to someone and he broke my heart. He cheated on me got me pregnant, denied it and made me go through an abortion alone.
I graduated from school, got my first job met someone else but was careful in being in anything serious. He was nice at first, then the emotional and physical abuse started. He got angry for no good reason, called me derogatory names, told me that as intelligent as I was, I wasn’t earning as much as he was. Six months into the relationship I found out that he was a yahoo boy so I ended the relationship. He threatened my life saying that he must marry me. He did not love me, he just wanted someone he could control, I am not perfect but if you care enough about someone, u won’t hurt them.
I stayed away from relationships for 2 years and did not give anyone a chance. I cried most of the time before I slept; I felt worthless, I felt people say that I am pretty and intelligent but I keep attracting the wrong men.
I finally met someone in January; he was like my world. At first, I had reservations but he made me comfortable. He understood me and always encouraged me that I could be better. I felt God had finally answered my prayers. He was supposed to come visit me for Easter but he flaked out at the last minute saying that he was sent offshore. I felt sad because we had agreed to be together for the Easter period. I felt something was wrong so I asked him if there was something he wanted to tell me. He said nothing was the matter, that he was just busy at work.
To cut a Long story short, I found out that he was married. He has been married for 5years. I almost fell down from my bed. I found out on facebook that he even has two facebook accounts, one as a bachelor and the other as a married man with his wedding pic and everything. I was shocked as to how this could be. I confronted him. He agreed and said that if he had told me I would have left him. He claimed that he loved me more than his wife and that he feels happy being with me.
I called him selfish and wicked. I have not been myself since then, I think all the time and I have been quite sad lately. I thought this was my last bus stop and that I had found the man of my dreams.
Dear Davina, I am tired of being used and deceived, I have been very unfortunate with men. I am tired, I feel like ending it all; the pain is too much. Nobody in my house knows what’s wrong. I have had suicidal thoughts but when I think about my mum how would she take it. knowing that she won’t survive it, I hold myself.
I am angry, sad and in pain but nobody knows. They feel I am fine. Nobody notices the pain I go through every day, I fake my smile and laughter but when I am alone I am depressed.
Please, Dear Davina, I need help. What do I do, I have also prayed and tried to get close to God
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Hi Moji, I wish I could see you right now and give you a hug. I can feel your pain through your mail. It is so visible and palpable. It seems like life has just dealt you one big blow after the other and you might also be thinking that life isn’t fair.
hmmmm where do I start? Several studies do show that you are actually responsible for the people you attract. Shocking as it sounds, people are like magnets and you kind of draw a certain kind of person within your sphere. Whether in romantic or platonic relationships, we all attract certain types of people into our lives based on our attitude, personality, and other factors.
Just as vultures are able to sense that an animal is about to die and hang around, some people are able to sense the emotional weaknesses of others and prey on them. So in a sense, all the men that have caused you so much pain came into your life because you attracted them. Study after study has shown that as individuals we are attracted to certain kinds of people and they, in turn, are attracted to us.
Child molestation is much graver than it seems especially when it is suppressed as you have been made to do yours. I usually encourage people to share their molestation stories so as to get a release. When you share, you release a lot of the power and hold it has over you and can start a true part of reconciliation with yourself. One of the sad things about molestation apart from the distrust it builds in the victim is that sometimes, the victim seeks the personality type of the abuser and gets further abused. In one of the Survivor stories we took, The lady said that she had to enact the rape scene before she could have sex and even that didn’t go well.
Molestation leaves a person in crises, it creates a sense of worthlessness in the individual which gets amplified in adverse situations as you have explained. Why would you contemplate suicide because you discovered a cheat? Ordinarily, you should be glad and walk away happy that you didn’t discover this when it was too late. The reason it tears at you this way is that situations like this take you back to the scene and times of molestation and creates deeper feelings of worthlessness. It is like a wound with a scar, these incidents peel of the scar and expose the wound.
First of all, there is a need for you to come to terms with yourself and who you really are. You are seeking too much of completeness and affirmation from your relationships. You must realise that you are a person created by God with your own unique qualities and path of life. Until you have achieved that completeness and come to a place of self-confidence, it would be tough for you to make headway. First of all, you would continuously send off the wrong vibes and attract the wrong person thereby perpetuating the cycle.
It works like this, happy people love having happy people around them. When you are all sad and moody, you tend to drive away people with good intentions as they might assume that you drama would be too much to handle.
You have found God and prayers, Excellent! Stay away from relationships for now. Immerse yourself in a good church allow the word of God to wash your heart and give you a greater sense of who you are. Learn to serve in God’s house. It might be in choir, ushering, visitation evangelism or any of the departments. Through service, you would find a higher sense of purpose for your life. You would get to meet people who have gone through worse and through their stories, become stronger.
Lastly, I would advise you seek some professional counselling. Talk to the church counsellor. They are usually well trained and would help you to build your faith in God and in yourself.
Have faith in yourself. Work on yourself and be the best of you that you can be. There are lots of good men out there. The fact that you have been dealt a bad hand by terrible people doesn’t necessarily mean that all men are bad. When you have built yourself up and are ready to start dating, trust me, you would have more than your choice of good men falling all over themselves to take you home to mama.
TO ALL DD READERS…
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