Thanks for your mail. I read the last dear Davina about the guy having issues with his girlfriend and I am inspired to send in mine.
I am a 28-year-old lady. My big problem is that I can’t seem to control my mouth or my anger. If someone is trying to correct me or critique me, either good or bad, I lose my self and I get very enraged. I find myself saying very hurtful words and doing stuff just to hurt the person. It is totally like I can’t control myself.
While angry, it is like I am someone else. Once the anger is over, I am so meek and quiet that most people find it difficult to believe it is the same person.
A number of times after the incident, I realize that what they were saying was actually correct and I promise myself never to repeat my behaviour. Sometimes, I actually apologise but many times, the matter has gone beyond apology.
I have gone through several broken relationships, lost several friends and had problems at work just because of this. I actually know I have a problem but it is just so difficult to have self-control. I just broke up with a guy whom I really love over this. He has been so nice to me but I think I harassed him until he finally gave up. I have been begging him but I sort of know that this is the final straw in our relationship.
I find it difficult to trust anyone. My parents had a difficult marriage and I was sexually abused by an uncle when I was younger. I was once told by a friend that this is why I behave this way. I am quite frustrated and I don’t know what next to do. So many times, I am all alone because I have driven people away from me. Please help.
Dear Adaobi, thanks for your mail. While the spiritual aspects of this matter could be very real, my knowledge is that the spiritual aspects are influenced and enabled by the physical aspects. Your mind is the doorway to your spirit and emotions.
There is a lot to talk about here. You would need extensive counselling and self-determination in order to get a hold of yourself but it is something you would need to commit to. It isn’t going to be easy though.
- Your parent’s marriage and the sexual abuse do have a lot to do with your present situation. From experience, these issues have a way of affecting your self-esteem and making you feel less than yourself. You could even get to a point where you are blaming yourself for all that went down. This is why each time you hear or observe comments that sound negative, they open up wounds and make you react as you do.
- You would need to learn to love yourself and live for you. Forgive and release your parent and your abuser. As long as you hold onto the pain, you would not be able to move on. This is the advantage of being in a good church and immersing yourself in activities where you help others find freedom. As you help others, you would find release for yourself.
- Learn to control your anger and emotions. Take up meditation – spend time every end of day and beginning of the day to think over your actions and reactions during the day. Think of how you could have done differently and what your reactions could have been. Identify your triggers- things that make you see red and find how to mitigate them.
- Take up some sport, exercise. This helps in disciplining your mind and goes a long way to control your thinking when put on the spot.
- Keep a journal. Set non-anger day goals. These are days you have gone without being angry or without messing up. When you hit a milestone, reward yourself.
Above all, it is your life, never think you don’t have responsibility or assume there is something beyond your control such as a demon. Even if there was one, you can control it.
Finally, find the guy you just broke up with and settle with him. Open up to him and ask him to help you get better
I hope this helps. I am always here if you need me …… love always, Davina.
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