Dear Davina,
I’m torn in my personality. I have broken up with four guys and I’m in the 5th one. I’ve noticed I become fed up with the opposite sex easily. No matter how kind or good he is, I get fed up and walk away. So I resorted to a long-distance relationship. It looked as though it was much better until I walked away because I was tired of the persistent calls to check up.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. My 5th guy is also a distance away, but he calls like twice in a week and I’m very happy about that. I feel it makes me grow more fond of him. But recently, I got angry with him and told him, can’t he just send a message to check up every morning then we can have our usual conversation twice in every week. He wasn’t angry but he started doing that every morning.

Dear Davina, I’m already fed up with him too. But I love him. I don’t want to lose him and I’m doing everything to save this one. But I’m always finding an excuse not to pick his call or even reply his message. I try to let him walk off by saying hurtful things to him. Instead of arguing, he will say “ I think you are having a bad day. I will call back”.

Dear Davina, I seriously need help because it looks like I can’t stay with loved ones forever. He is even flying home because of me this month to ask for my hand in marriage but I’m having serious trouble on going on or not.

Thank You

My two cents…

Hi Andrea,
thanks for the mail.
Steven A. Carter & Julia Sokol (1987;1995), termed what you are going through commitmentphobia this is the fear of and avoidance of long-term relationship. The full manifestation is called gamophobia which is an aversion to or fear of marriage.

As usual with all phobia, it stems from a traumatic event you have witnessed or been a part of usually something that shaped your childhood. It is a psychological imbalance that you would need to address with before you can move on.

The symptoms can be seen in your mail. You get upset when the individual isn’t showing enough love even though they are playing by your rules. For example, you chose a long distance relationship where the guy would call just twice a week. Then you wanted more of the relationship thinking the guy wasn’t committed enough and asked that he sends a message every day. He sends you the messages and you are afraid of his sincerity and want to drive him away.

There are several things that could drive this. One of them could be a separation of your parents at childhood; a traumatic relationship between your parents; seeing a loved one suffer in their relationships. This could have led to an unconscious decision not to get into a long-term relationship so that no one would take advantage of you.

Something else I detect is a fear of rejection. This could have come through painful teenage years; having suffered from bullying; child molestation or rape. It creates a feeling of not being good enough, a lack of self-confidence, a fear of commitment amongst others.

It would help to read a few older Dear Davina where I advised on these issues.

My advice…

First of all, you would need some counselling. Someone you can talk to professionally who has received some training in handling these matters. It could also be someone you can talk to, whom you are not romantically involved in and not a close family member. Someone you can speak with who doesn’t have a bias. I usually recommend your pastor, school counsellor or a church counsellor because I am aware that we don’t have that many professional counsellors you can see. People also have a stigma for professional counsellors, usually equating them as doctors for mad people.

I believe you have found the right guy for you. Don’t push this one away. Find time and courage and open up to him about these issues. Let him know these things you have shared with me. Let him know you love him and ask him to work with you to deal with it and get over it. He will not run away. If he was going to run, he would have done so since. I believe he would work with you on this.

I hope this help

You can send your Dear Davina letters to me directly @ I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is for my eyes only and I promise complete anonymity when I decide to publish your letter.
I look forward to hearing from you


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