Hi lovely people, how has your may being? thanks for your lovely comments, your interactions and your suggestions. Please do you have suggestions on what you would like me to do differently, please leave me a message when you can. I have a couple of very long Dear Davina for this week. I hope you enjoy them.
I want to thank you for your good works and helping people with their problems through your wonderful advice. Again reading the story of others has been an inspiration. May God continue to give you the strength and more Grace. Amen.
Dear Davina, I am a student Pastor. I have a burden as regards to my relationship and love life, that I would love to share with you. I seriously need advice and help.
I haven’t actually been finding it easy in this aspect, every move I make in this area has always ended in failure. I haven’t been able to meet a faithful and trustworthy sister.
I am in my early thirties, and by God’s grace, am still chaste, I vowed that I will remain celibate till I say I do. Unfortunately, it appears this vow has been the issue I am having with my love life, Once I meet a sister that appears good, things will be going well till at a point when without apparent reasons, we will start having problems. By God’s grace, I do my best to the best of my ability to take care of anyone of them I enter into a relationship with, But, I can’t just place my fingers on exactly what causes the rift each time.
It happened severally till I met one, who indirectly expressed her desire that we should get have sex, but I categorically told her of my vows. Then she left, but before she left, she told me that if I hold on to my chastity, I may find it difficult to get married. And if I happen to finally succeed in getting married, that I might marry a hypocrite who wouldn’t actually turn down my request, but will still be doing her own things codedly while I will be courting her. What she told me appeared to be nothing but the TRUTH.
After relating my ordeal to some of my friends, they told me that most of those girls were not actually bad nor immoral; but that they were afraid as to whether I am virile at all because a lot of Christian brothers hide their sterility and sexual dysfunction under the guise of chastity and celibacy. That some sisters wouldn’t want a story that touches after marriage. Therefore they try to ascertain a brothers virility in such manners before saying I DO. But this excuse did not answer the question why most of the ones I courted were actually playing double games and infidelity.
I took a break for some time as it has to do with relating to the opposite sex for the purpose of marriage; until I met a wonderful and committed sister. I tried to establish a relationship with her, it was actually difficult to convince her at first, but later she started responding but yet did not give me her consent. So we just became friends. As time went on I started discovering she was being secretive and hiding a lot of things. Whenever I tried to probe or ask her personal questions, she will become defensive and irritated. I calmed down and applied patience. At a point I made up my mind it was either she gives me a definite answer or I quit the friendship. Because I discovered she was using me material wise, as well as friend zoned me.
It was at this point that she opened up to me that she was once in a relationship with a guy who jilted her. The guy met her when she was 17. I told her that since they weren’t in a relationship any longer, that shouldn’t be the reasons for declining my proposal for a defined relationship. Afterall I wasn’t yet forcing her for marriage. Still, she didn’t say anything definite but left me hanging.
I then decided to forget her. Yet she wouldn’t let me be; she kept calling me back. I, therefore, did a small investigation and discovered her ex, was still seeing and visiting her; despite telling her they cannot marry. When I confronted her with my findings, she started defending herself again and picked quarrels with me, but later admitted the guy was still seeing her. Little did I know, that they were involved sexually. I resolved to quit finally on finding out this. She cried and begged me; insisting she was still a virgin BUT actually admitted they were having some other sexual experiments and activities.
But to tell you the truth Dear Davina, apart from this issue and her weakness, she is a wonderful person. The truth of the matter was that she was sort of trapped. I finally made up my mind and left her; since she was finding it difficult to leave the guy. But all through the time I left, she kept calling and begging me. She even requested that if I could become more intimate with her, it would help her forget this other guy. I stuck to my resolve never to get closer intimately; because I knew the implications of what she was requesting.
I know the other guy involved with her and while this guy was deceiving her; he was busy planning his wedding to another lady. The scales fell from her eyes when this guy wedded another lady July last year. Since then, she has been asking me to forgive her and accept her back.
like I said earlier, she is not a bad person; that I know, apart from her double game and sexual involvement with this guy.
A lot of persons encouraged me to take her back since she has repented; even my mum also thinks so. Secondly, I know I love her.
So you see? This is a huge burden for me now.
1. As a Pastor, do you think I need a person with such a history? Am saying this for the sake of my ministry.
2. Do you think she might be unfaithful if I marry her since sex is her weakness?
3. Some people may have known something about her past, is she suitable for me as a Pastor?
4. Do you think she might later get involved with this guy again if I marry her since he was the one that took her innocence though she says she is still a virgin; penetration-wise.
Please help me Dear Davina. I am confused.
My two cents…
First of all, I must congratulate you on making your celibacy vow and deciding to stick with it. It isn’t easy. The world is rapidly becoming a place with misplaced priorities and values. It is indeed a breath of fresh air to find someone who still believes that such things have value. Please know you are not the only one. There are many male and female who still hold to such values.
While it is true that some ladies are wary of marrying a guy with the sexual issues you described, I truly don’t think that is enough reasons for the several breakups you have had. It could likely be due to some inexperience on your part in handling those relationships. Also taking a line from what you said about the present lady, it could be likely that what you were offering the several ladies was friendship when they were seeking marriage. I believe sisters want more to get settled and marry than having a “friendly” relationship. So is possible that they could have been viewing what you are offering as a waste of their time.
let me answer your questions in the order they appeared.
1. Even if you were not a pastor, I wouldn’t advise you to resume the relationship with the lady in mind. she obviously never loved you and only held you as her insurance. If she was really repentant, she would have agreed and done all the begging before her ex got married to someone else. The fact she only came back to you means you were always the second choice. Above all, she could be using you as a rebound relationship. That is, as a way to get over the guy just as she alluded previously. For this key reason, I would advise not to take her back.
2. I don’t think sex is her problem and if it was, she would be getting the sex when you are married. The problem is her inability to make a decision and value you even when the insincerity of her ex was very obvious. This isn’t someone you want in your life.
3. The same way you had a relationship with a couple of other ladies is the way that a lady coming to you might have had a relationship with someone else. Even if she was a prostitute and you wanted to marry her, does that stop her suitability from being a pastors wife? Not at all! that as it is, makes a good testimony. Rahab was a prostitute very prominently portrayed in the bible but God used her mightily and she is one of the ancestors of our Lord Jesus Christ. I don’t need to preach Christianity to you here but I believe that once someone has truly repented and is good enough for God, that person is good enough to be a pastors wife.
4. Yup, I believe that she can still return to her ex if he spins her a good enough story.
I hope this helps
TO ALL DD READERS…
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