In today’s Dear Davina, I want to deal with a controversial issue. What if you found out that your boyfriend or girlfriend was gay or lesbian, what would you do. We have seen this issues rear up as a cause of divorce in several of my divorce stories we dealt with. Life though is quite complicated, it doesn’t follow a written script and things don’t usually go the way we choose. This is why columns like Dear Davina exist. People are individuals and not numbers. As such, there isn’t a one size fits all counsel for everyone. Life is personal and what works for one person might not work for another. Counsel and advice for someone else should be taken based on your ability to cope. I am pretty sure that my counsel today would be taken controversially by people.
Dear Davina, I just Discovered That My Boyfriend Is Gay
please, I am at a crossroad, my life is turning upside-down, I just discovered that my boyfriend is gay… But I sincerely do love him so much. Please, I need advice on what to do.
My two cents…
thanks for your mail, trust and your courage to write your mail.
This is a bit of a tough one as there are several complications and if’s to this case. It is also very dependent on you and him and what you both want. So here goes.
First of all, you need to fully understand what you are getting into. Homosexuality is much more than a sexual orientation. It means several things. Homosexuality is the romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behaviour between members of the same sex or gender. As a sexual orientation, homosexuality is “an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions” to people of the same sex. It “also refers to a person’s sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviours, and membership in a community of others who share those attractions.
Some people are bisexual in that they are sexually attracted to either male or female. They are comfortable in both sexual roles and can switch between each easily. Sometimes you could easily mistake a bisexual as either homosexual or heterosexual depending on what preferences the individual is manifesting at that moment.
I suspect that your boyfriend is bisexual because if he was truly homosexual, it would have been difficult for your relationship to have lasted as long as it has lasted.
We can debate back and forth as to if your relationship with him can make him commit to one side of the divide but I am dealing with the relationship between you and him and not his sexual orientation. If he is uncomfortable and needs help regarding his sexuality, he can reach out to me for counselling.
The focus here for me is the relationship between both of you which would have to be examined irrespective of his sexual orientation and preferences. For you to love him the way you say you do, he must be ticking off all the right boxes in your relationship questionnaire, meaning that he is currently meeting all your needs and you have been satisfied with the relationship so far. A relationship should be between two people, not three or four. If he is willing to follow the proper dynamics of a relationship and not cheat on you, his orientation doesn’t quite matter. The only challenge would be if you both would be able to transcend his sexuality and reach the depth of intimacy that you would desire in the relationship.
The other big elephant in the room would be if he would one day decide that he would rather be fully homosexual than float in the twilight zone of heterosexuality. These doubts also exist in heterosexual relationships and could go either way.
Let me explain further. If he was heterosexual, he could still cheat on you with another woman leading to a break down of the relationship. Somewhere in the marriage, the man could leave you for another woman so the risks are always there only that in this case, he would be cheating on you with a man as well as leaving you for another man. The same way that you would be wondering if he is sleeping with his friend is the same way a woman could be wondering if her man is sleeping with his secretary, co-worker, her sister or the abundance of women around him. As such, the only security you have is trust; Your trust in his words, in his person and his ability to do right.
In the end, it all boils down to what your true fear really is. Do you feel that because he is gay, you aren’t getting the best out of the relationship from an intimacy perspective? Is he cheating on you with someone else or are you afraid that sometime in the future after you have settled down with him he might leave you for someone else?
In cases like this, I tell people to go with their guts. If he truly is gay and is only with you for appearance’s sake, when he gets to a more conducive environment, he is more likely to leave you than a heterosexual would abandon you. It is tough to be a closet queen, only conforming because this is what society expects from you. If at this stage of his life he hasn’t fully decided what identity to follow and still identifies as gay, be aware that it isn’t about to change.
At this point, I would advise that you both have an honest sit-down and discuss these points and how they relate to your future. Trust me, you may love him now but that love could quickly evolve into hate if you feel you have been used. I would suggest a pause in the relationship until you both have worked out what direction you want this to go.
If I am, to be really honest, I would ask you to work away and allow him to work out his life at this point. Let him fully decide what he wants. The drama around cases like this tends to be quite much and usually prove to be not worth the expense.
I hope this help
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