Hello Guys,

Thanks for all the wonderful comments I got from last week.  The comments widen the scope of the discussion as they allow individuals to share their experiences. Please keep the discussions going.

Thanks for all the wonderful comments I got from last week.  The comments widen the scope of the discussion as they allow individuals to share their experiences. Please keep the discussions going.

This week I have 3 Dear Davina cases I would be sharing that are quite similar to each other. They are quite interesting and I would be a bit more professional in dealing with them. I will discuss the second case on Wednesday and the third on Friday.

 

Case one:

 

personality disorder

I find it difficult to say no to a guy even though I know he only wants sex

Dear Davina, thanks so much for your kind advice. I read your post and advice from last week as regards the lady who was asking if she was a nymphomaniac. I have a similar case but from another angle and would love your advice on this as it is really eating me up.

I easily fall for a guy. Once the guy asks me out, I find it difficult to refuse even though I know he only wants sex. I have tried to resist but I just find it difficult.

While in university, I had a reputation as an easy to get girl. At parties, I always found myself ending up as a one-night stand. After the guys would have sex with me, they would dump me. I never had a steady boyfriend on campus because of my reputation. I lost count of how many men I have slept with but I am sure I must have slept with well over 20 guys.

At my work place, I have slept with my boss and a couple of my colleagues. I really feel terrible about this and I really wish I could stop it.

I was once friends with a psychologist who told me that it is all because of my childhood but he wasn’t able to help me as he too ended up sleeping with me. My dad wanted to have male children and ended up having me as an only child for a very long time. He totally rejected me. I never once knew him to be happy with me despite whatever I tried to do to please him. When I was in my early teens, he got a male child from his secretary and completely abandoned I and my mum.

Even though he paid my school fees and took care of my welfare, I never receive an iota of love from him. Each time, he sees me, he curses me and always used to tell me how he would rather give away everything he had than allow me to inherit his property. After he got the boy, it became worse, more as if I never existed. Everything concerning me is communicated to us via his lawyer.

I know that this might be why I have this problem. Somehow, when I am with a man, I feel accepted for that moment. There is a way they would toast you and make you feel wanted. I know it is fake but somehow I make my self-believe and kind of wish it would be different. There was this boy in school who dated me for about 3 months and I thought it was real only to find that all he saw in me was my money and cheap sex. He had a real girlfriend by the side and was only using me to warm his bed as she was away on teaching practice. I was devastated when I found out and almost committed suicide.

I am truly depressed over this matter. My self-esteem is quite low as I know people are always talking about me. I don’t even know if any man would take me seriously as my history might come to light. Even though I always insist that the man uses protection, I am also concerned I might catch something one day.

My Female friends soon leave me as their boyfriends end up sleeping with me. People think it is so easy to just shake up this thing and walk away but it is as if I am in a prison. I really need your help and advice as I have considered killing myself a couple of times. I need help.

Desperate Nike

 

Also read: Dear Davina: Please help, am I a nymphomaniac?

 

My 2-Cents:

Hi Nike,

Thanks for the boldness in writing this to me. I am probably sure a lot of people would read this and dismiss you. They would also laugh at you and try to make lewd jokes or label you. The truth is that people don’t recognize the severity of a personality disorder consistent with the behaviour you have just illustrated. It is not something that can be easily waved away.

 

Personality disorder

As a psychologist, I diagnose you as falling within the cluster b personality disorder group displaying traits common to borderline personality disorder. Gamblers and binge eaters also fall within this classification.

A personality disorder is a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and people. This causes significant problems and limitations in relationships, social activities, work and school.

In some cases, you may not realize that you have a personality disorder because your way of thinking and behaving seems natural to you. And you may blame others for the challenges you face.

A Personality disorder usually begins in the teenage years or early adulthood. There are many types of personality disorders. Some types may become less obvious throughout middle age.” This comes from the Mayo clinic which is regarded as one of the top clinical psychology institutes in the world to handle.

Having said that, I have good news for you. The fact that you recognize that something is wrong and abnormal, suggests that you have started the healing process. The first step is always to acknowledge that something is wrong. Then, you can be helped.

Indeed, your problem stems from your father’s rejection of you. Parent’s don’t realize how much difficulties their behaviours create for their kids in later life. You are trying to compensate his rejection with the short time “simulated love” from men who are taking advantage of you. So the sad thing is that you are trying to replace the love you never got from your father, with the sexual satisfaction the men display when they sleep with you. You know it is fake but it becomes like a drug filling your need for that moment.

The problem also is that when the men leave you, it further amplifies the rejection you have received from your dad and leaves you even more depressed. It becomes like a never ending cycle leaving you constantly drained and in several cases, suicidal. At the stage you are, you are incapable of true love and a lasting relationship. You would ruin the relationship and it would ruin you.

One of the ways psychologists try to treat this is by the use of hypnotherapy via the use of hypnosis. The problem with this, however, is that it could trigger even more of this behaviour as previously suppressed bad memories are brought to light. You see, the human mind is self-healing and has a way of hiding harmful memories to protect us.

The only way to heal is to find inner peace and replace the hurt inside. Trust me, it is not an easy process. Many people have this constant fight where they go from periods of stability only to fall during adversity as you did with the guy whom you dated for 3 months.

The best way to find peace would be to permanently fill that need and turn away that hurt. This would take a more holistic approach and would take time. As a Christian psychologist, I have found that people with your case get healed faster when they commit themselves to a cause higher than themselves.

My advice to you is to first commit yourself to a church and allow God’s love to take the place of the love you never received from your father. Secondly, involve yourself in church activities where you give yourself in service to a worthy cause by serving in your local church in one capacity or the other. As people genuinely thank you or you see life’s changed via your service, it would fill that need that you were getting from sex but leave you more satisfied. I am sure you have heard the expression “giving your life to Christ”, trust me that is what you need here. Also get close to the pastor and leadership of the church so that someone can mentor you and guide you as you grow.

With time, you will find the healing you are looking for and the stronger inner you would emerge. Don’t worry about getting a man. With time, a real man would appear and love you for who you are. He would not be intimidated by your past and would stand with you. yes a personality disorder can be a tough nut, but it can be cracked

Much love

Davina

 

________________________________________________________________________________

TO ALL DD READERS….

You can send your Dear Davina letters to me directly @ davina.r@davinadiaries.com. I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is for my eyes only and I promise complete anonymity when I decide to publish your letter.

 

I look forward to hearing from you

xoxoxoxoxo

Davina

8 COMMENTS

  1. Hmmmm, I love how u handle this issues, trust me I learn something from it, thanks do much may the good lord continue to enrich u.

  2. Please try and get in touch with MINE ministry or call this number 08023458880,you seriously need someone to walk you through this…am sure you’d come back to testify.

  3. Dear Davina, your response to this lady is really heart warming. But I fear for her, even in church, cause of “wolves in sheep clothing.” I really wish her the best and I trust the Holy Spirit to guide her paths right. God bless you.

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