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Today we would be hearing from Kolawole. It was a private counsel but I had to ask his permission to publish it as this is one Dear Davina that I believe answers a lot of questions. So here goes:
Dear Davina: I’m in a dilemma. Do I Move Forward Or End It?
I have been in a relationship with a lady for over 2 years now, but it’s of recent I have given it serious thought as to wanting to marry her. But the issues that are giving me serious concern about her are basically the following two issues:
1) Her past: she opened up to me concerning her past life in that she had previously dated a guy who promised to marry her. unknowing to her, the guy was already married with 2 kids but he wasn’t staying with his family. The guy really used her and messed her up and she even aborted for him several times. It was later she discovered that the guy was married.
(2) secondly, is the issue of sex. Right from childhood, I have been an ardent advocate of no sex before marriage of which she is aware. But the issue is that she has made various attempts at making the two of us have sex. Several times I refused and rejected but later we had the sex. This has happened not once not twice. I really hate my self for this mess cos it goes against what I preach and this is my 1st time of engaging in the sexual act. But the main thing now is that I have tried putting a stop to it and she is not comfortable with it but I’ve made up my mind on that which she herself can see clearly.
Please, can I still go ahead with the marriage proposal? looking at her past, will she be able to conceive and also won’t she be cheating on me now that I’ve put a stop to us having sex together again till after marriage? lastly Dear Davina, how can I avoid pressure from her to have sex with her.
Pls, I need your advice cos of a truth I love her so much.
My 2 cents…
Thank you so much for taking out time to write. Truly appreciated.
First of all, relationships and especially marriage, is built on and thrives on trust. Where you find it difficult to trust a partner, it is best not to go into it at all.
Having said that, you must realise that the lady in question trusted your maturity and your love for her enough to have opened up and told you about her past life especially her life with this guy. It would be a betrayal of that trust and a betrayal of her faith in you if you make a decision to end it all based solely on her past. You must realise that she could have said nothing and you wouldn’t be the wiser. Trust me, women are better at hiding these stuff than men.
As to her wanting to have sex with you, you must realise that you made the vow not her. She doesn’t have your convictions as regards sex before marriage so she shouldn’t be held on the grounds of that conviction. Also, having been used to sex in a previous relationship, she might feel you are starving her of something she feels that is necessary to a relationship. I also think she doesn’t take you seriously. If you were that set in your belief’s, you wouldn’t have gone ahead to have sex with her the number of times that you have. So you must understand that you are equally as culpable as she is in this matter.
having an abortion doesn’t necessarily mean that the woman would have issues with childbirth. The problem would be if she had a botched abortion where it wasn’t properly done. Where it was properly done, she is still as fertile as other women. This matter is however deep in your mind and could have long-lasting effects on your marriage. What if childbirth is delayed, won’t you blame this one incident? What if you are the one with fertility issues? What if she can’t give birth, would you leave her? My recommendation is that you both go and see a gynae doctor now to run tests on both of you. More for the purpose of calming your mind. But I have a question for you? What if you go to the doctors and they find that you have a problem, would she be justified in leaving you?
Secondly, as regards having sex. I believe you need to sit with her and let her know your convictions as regards sex before marriage. She should also know your stand on it and how it makes you feel uncomfortable. I believe that once that is explained to her and if you stand your grounds strong enough, she will get the message. If you are being wishy-washy on your convictions, there is no way she would stand with you. She might assume that you are unserious, have something to hide or might be getting it from someone else.
I believe you both love each other. It takes a lot for a woman to open up and tell a guy the stuff she has told you. I would advise you to look beyond that and claim your bride. I hope this helps you.
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