Hello Dear Davina People, it has been a while since you heard from me. I have had to deal with some personal challenges but I am okay now. I sure missed you all and hearing from you
In Today’s Dear Davina, I am dealing with an issue that comes up once a while. The infidelity of a partner and how to deal with it. I will attempt to deal with it with as open a mind as I can muster but I am pretty sure I will get some kickbacks on this. Please do let me know your comments. You can read more exciting Dear Davina’s and also some more articles in our Davina Diaries stable. If you would like to send your questions, You can do so at email@example.com. I guarantee you the utmost privacy.
Dear Davina, I have been dating this guy from my church for a while now, my father initially didn’t accept him because of his tribe but our Pastor intervened on our behalf and my father finally accepted our relationship.
My guy recently impregnated his ex. He told me about it immediately the lady told him and apologized to me stressing that it was an accident and a plot for his ex to force him into marrying her instead of me.
He says I should wait for the 1st trimester of the pregnancy so as to check if the date of the pregnancy matches the date of the affair because it could be that the lady was pregnant for someone else. If after checking and it was his, he says he would go ahead and marry me but that we would have to wait for the lady to deliver and after some months, we can then get married.
We were friends before we started going out, I know I should be disappointed and angry at him for cheating on me but on the contrary, I feel sorry and concerned for what he has gotten himself into and so I always encourage him that everything will be alright.
Dear Davina, Despite my support to him as a friend, I have to also make a decision on if I should marry him if the child ends up being his and that’s where I need your help. Should I go ahead and marry him or should I cancel our marriage arrangement because of the current situation?
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My two cents…
thanks so much for your letter. Hmmmmmm, it is quite a dicey one but here goes. First of all, I am pretty sure that your trust for your guy stems from the time you have been together. I would assume that if he had given you any reasons to be suspicious or wary of him in the almost 3 years of your relationship, you wouldn’t be that easy to be on his side.
As regards his sleeping with/impregnating his ex, I am thinking that he should have informed you the day he actually slept with her rather than wait for when she informed him about the pregnancy. He really didn’t have a choice than to inform you the day he got to hear about it. For all you know, the girl might have been threatening to come to tell you and he knew he would stand a better chance if he told you himself.
There are so many questions on my mind such as; were they in a relationship you weren’t aware of, how many times did he sleep with her? These issues are dicey and shouldn’t be swept under the carpet.
All these issues about waiting for 1st-trimester or also waiting for months after delivery to marry you also smacks of mischief. Pregnancy kits are fairly accurate these days and they should be able to pinpoint the date of conception. However, these would all be dependent on if the lady is offering the correct information as regards dates and time.
On the other hand, the 1st-trimester test would be a more accurate pinpoint of the dates. I can quite understand also the sensitivity of waiting because it would be quite awkward that one lady is pregnant and yet he is marrying someone else.
On the surface, you seem to have a nice conscientious man who loves you and is willing to marry you. He seems also to be making the right decisions that are in the interest of everyone concerned.
But here is my word of caution. First of all is the fact of trust. Can you really trust his word? Can you truly tell if he is telling you the truth? With the years of relationship, you should be a better judge of character than anyone else.
Secondly, That baby is most probably his and you would need to deal with that as a major issue. Understand that he would have to deal with the mother of his child for as long as you both are together raising the issues of another child if he isn’t able to discipline himself.
There would also be the complications of another child, another woman and the trust issues that are bound to come up during the pressures of marriage. I usually prefer that you enter marriage cleanly but then, everyone deserves a second chance.
On the surface of it, I would have said that you should walk away and let him be. I would, however, suggest you do the following:
- Sit down with him and ask him the questions I raised. Also, ask him the questions on your mind. From his words and the discussion, get an understanding of the truthfulness of his words. Let him see the situation he is putting both of you into and get a full assurance of his future plans. If you are not satisfied with the discussions, walk away.
- Cool down a bit on the relationship. I am not asking you to walk away. Don’t do that but exercise some restraint. You have just three months and then nine months and then things would be clearer for you to fully grasp and appreciate the way forward.
I hope this help
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