Dear Davina

I am in a dilemma and I need your urgent counsel.

I am very close to my elder sister. we are only two girls in a family of four and we have been close friends. She has been married for a while but I am yet to get married. I stay regularly with them when I have to travel into Abuja. Several times, I go spend holidays with them at her invitation.

She recently fell ill and was in the hospital for a while. During this period, I took time off my job in Lagos to come to stay with them as they didn’t have much help.

One day I noticed she was behaving strangely towards me. I put it down to the illness but got concerned even after the behaviour continued after she was discharged.

recently, I was on my way to their room to ask her something when I overheard her and her husband quarrelling in their room. They didn’t see me and she was accusing the husband of sleeping with me. I was devasted, to say the least, as nothing of that matter had happened.

Her husband is close to all of us and I regard him more as an elder brother. I was shocked as to where that thought could come from. The husband is one of those quiet types who say nothing. All he told her was that she was mad.

I have been very uncomfortable since then. My sister has been cold towards me. She hasn’t said anything neither has her husband. I just noticed that she is not as friendly with me as she has been.

Dear Davina, what do I do? I am due to go back home in a few days. I don’t want to leave the situation like this and yet I am concerned about provoking the situation further. If I leave, I don’t think I would be back.

Please help

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My 2-Cents:

Hello Joyce, Thanks for your mail.
Hmmmmmmmmm, this is a very very tough one with many angles and implications. It is also a very sensitive issue. Let’s look at it severally.
1. You go seat with your sister and tell her what you overhead. She isn’t likely to believe you that overheard their conversation. She would assume that her husband had spoken to you further complicating the situation as she would think that for him to discuss it with you, there must be something going on.

2. You discuss with her husband. It creates a situation similar to the above. You put the man under pressure. He could go speak about it with his wife further complicating the situation.

3. You keep quiet and hope time would heal. Time might and might not heal the matter. For one, you are hurt by the accusation You have already made up your mind not to come back. What if her husband travels to Lagos, will he see you or would you dodge him? You sister could feel uncomfortable with both situations. She might not want your husband to see you and at the same time, she would feel he is seeing you and not telling her.

My Advice:

you are truly in a catch-22 situation which has to be handled very delicately.
Go to your sister, don’t mention anything about having overheard her and her husband’s discussion. Pressure her into bringing the matter into the open by letting her know you have been uncomfortable with her behaviour towards you.

Stylishly ensure that you make her admit that something is wrong. Point out how you both were and how it has changed. Bring out examples, tell her you are no longer comfortable as there seems to be something she is hiding. Ensure you do all you can without spilling the cat out of the bag.

If she gets to talk, all good, allow her to spill it all out and address her concerns. Where she doesn’t, keep quiet. These things have a way of sorting themselves out. She would have some comfort in your invitation for her to speak and your persistence.

Don’t cut off from her but be careful. Give more opportunities to let her see that something is wrong. Don’t mention a word to her husband about this. It might be a failing from her husband that has caused this and you are just caught in the middle. When the opportunity comes to talk and it would, you would have been seen to have done your best.

Matters like this have no easy fix. More often than not, it is usually a question of time.

Davina
________________________________________________________________________________
TO ALL DD READERS….
You can send your Dear Davina letters to me directly @ davina.r@davinadiaries.com. I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is for my eyes only and I promise complete anonymity when I decide to publish your letter.
I look forward to hearing from you
xoxoxoxoxo
Davina
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6 COMMENTS

  1. My dear. You and your sisters are very close. And you just said nothing of that nature had happened between you and her husband. Sit your elder sister down and talk to her one on one sincerely. Be calm with her, Let her open up to you where she had that assumption that you are having a relationship with her husband. Try to convinced her that nothing like is happening before you leave the house. And it depend if she believed you or not. It is left for you to stay away from going to her house. Give her time. The enemy is at work. And take everything to God in prayers. It is well.

  2. Dear Davina, how about the poster seats both husband and wife down and table the matter? There the wife/sister has the opportunity to accuse the both of them in the open and it is discussed and hopefully resolved?

    • It might escalate the more, as the wife may see it as an insult from ‘a younger’ sister… also be accused of eavdropping private discussion.

  3. Well, this is tricky. Let your sister know that her behavior and attitude towards you have changed in recent times and that you hope you didn’t offend her in any way and that her husband too has been somewhat distant in relating with you. Allow her talk and if she does, let her know that nothing is going on between you and her husband and that you have no romantic interest in her husband. Stay away from them for a while. The truth will come out soon enough.

  4. Please follow Dear Davina’s advice strictly and I am sure things will sort itself. But if I were you, after all said and done, I won’t go to their house again. Good luck. Meee

  5. An open escalation will bring about early resolution at worst, another family member could step in. Things are already escalated as it is secretly. Being afraid to address issues with the fears that it will escalate will not make the elder suddenly one morning wake and realize that she was wrong. Who knows she could have genuine case of suspicion; a case of ‘put yourself in her shoes…’ It is only a direct meeting sister-sister can bring that out.
    Best option would have been to the younger sister to make her presence known while husband and wife were arguing without joining – at least the burden of trying to prove that it wasn’t the husband that told the alleged lover about the accusation would not arise.
    For now, I would advise she sits sister-sister on the eve of her departure; make the elder feel that laying out the accusation directly would have been a better option than raising tension in the house.
    However, as is always the case of reported situation, the best judgement is always gotten when both parties are heard.

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