gosh! I do have a pile of letters to reply to. Sorry I was inactive last week. I was moving house and you know how busy that can be. Please keep your letters coming as well as your comments. I do learn a lot from your comments as well.
The letter below did touch me as I could feel the pain in her letter.
Dear Davina: please help my marriage is on the verge of collapsing, I don’t love him, also, he doesn’t satisfy me sexually
I have been married for over a year now.I come from a strict Christian background and We didn’t have sex until our wedding night. My husband is a good man but the problem is that he doesn’t satisfy me sexually.
He does not last long and cannot go for a second round. I also have not conceived even though I am not taking any contraceptive pills
We have spoken severally about this, He always admits that he is fine but I know he is not. After one of our talks, he agreed that we should both go for test to see what is wrong. Even though I have been pestering him, he hasn’t agreed to a date.
There is no connection in our marriage. I have no feelings or love for him. I have contemplated divorcing him but I am afraid of divorce largely because of how people, especially my church people will look at me. Also my Dad who has warned against divorcing him.
Should I continue to endure and pretend as if nothing is wrong, please help I don’t know what to do.
Thank you for your mail. Like I earlier said, I can feel your pain and I do empathize with you. It isn’t easy babe.
From what I see your Christian background has seriously influenced you and that is good. There is everything commendable about holding back and waiting for sex until after marriage. It is becoming a rare commodity these days.
Having said that, I would like you to keep an open mind and don’t allow all your decisions to be influenced by expectations you think other people have on you. Live free but wise.
- Let’s start with the sex. When you say he doesn’t satisfy you but is willing to talk about it, that is great progress. I am reading in between the lines. When you say he doesn’t last long, that could be relative. For some people, 10 minutes is long enough while some people want 30minutes to 1 hr. Secondly, not many men are able to go beyond one round of sex. It seems you are either comparing your man to a previous partner, movies you have watched or a myth. You both have to reach a middle ground. There are ways you can stimulate yourself to be ready for him so that he doesn’t need to do as much work. You can also teach him how to use foreplay effectively to make the sexual experience more fulfilling. You can read our previous mails on this here. and here
- The notion of I-go-die love or thunder striking you love while true for very few, is something that is largely in movies and romance novels. In the majority of cases, you would need to grow love, a relationship and connection. In my mother’s time, she had no choice in the man she married. She most probably set eyes on him for the first time on marriage day, but I haven’t seen stronger lovebirds than both of them. You say your husband is a good man. First start by respecting him. For example, not many guys would agree to have the discussions you say you both are having about your sex lives. From respect, find areas of mutual agreement and likes and then build up from there. Find areas of agreement not disagreement and something good would pop up.
- I recommend you read Ross T’s series on marriage – Help I am Married. The first year of marriage can be difficult and you could have several issues dealing with expectations and pre conceptions you brought into marriage.
- As regards child birth, one year is too early to start fretting or wanting to go see doctors and specialists. I am collaborating with Ross T on a series of articles regarding child birth and we hopefully should have it out before the end of the year. Children are the heritage of God and it is easier these days to have children than before.
From my summation, you are dealing with issues arising from your pre expectations of marriage and sex. Maybe after keeping yourself for long, you were expecting wows that haven’t come. The good news is that the wow can still be. Go through our past Dear Davina’s and also allow time. Merry Christmas in advance
TO ALL DD READERS….
You can send your Dear Davina letters to me directly @ firstname.lastname@example.org. I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is for my eyes only and I promise complete anonymity when I decide to publish your letter.
I look forward to hearing from you