Hi, guys another day and another Dear Davina case. I find this quite interesting because I have gotten a couple of quiet letters like this. This is one I especially want to deal with. I am posting it raw and unedited.
Am I A Nymphomaniac
Thanks very much for your column. You don’t realize the good job you are doing. There are some things that are best asked in anonymity. Please try and find time to answer my matter.
I am a very comfortable young woman in her late twenties with a very good job. I no go lie, I like sex. I like to do. I hear that it is abnormal for a woman but that is the way it is for me.
From the time I have known my body, I have come to love it. I am very curvy and well shaped. Before I discovered boys, I learnt to masturbate and I would masturbate regularly. I didn’t have sex with a man till I was 17 by which time I was in university but since then, I have always had a boyfriend.
I have had sex with several men. Some times, I have kept 2 boyfriends. I don’t consider myself promiscuous. Once in a while, I find a good guy who just wants a fling. We date for a while and then the relationship fizzles out as it is purely sexual. I never reallyconsideredd myself to be a nymphomaniac
So this is my problem. I have been dating this married guy for the past two years but I also have a guy whom I would be marrying in about six months. I am not in any financial relationship with the married guy, we are just “friends with benefits” if you understand what I mean. The guy is very good in bed and really knows how to please a woman. He is someone I would easily have settled with if he wasn’t married. He was the first guy to make me realize I could climax in sex. The only other time, I could achieve this was by myself.
Now as to my fiancée, he is a really lovely guy and I love him very much. We have been together for long. In fact, he is the one who dis-virgined me. We have been in an off and on relationship for more than ten years and really got serious the last 5 years. He isn’t aware of my side guys as I have managed to be discreet. Also, he travels a lot giving me time. He doesn’t really satisfy me sexually. Sometimes it is good, most times, it is just there and I would need to do stuff to finish myself.
I really intend to be faithful and not do something on the side after marriage but seriously, it is a terrifying prospect with my guy. Sometimes, the guy would say he has a headache, create all kinds of an excuse not to have sex. More than once, he has used style to run away. It is always as if I am always pestering him for sex.
What do you think I should do? I believe that sex should be an integral part of any relationship. I once tried staying away from my married friend to concentrate on my BF but it didn’t work. I was practically sex starved. Is something wrong with me? Someone once me a nymphomaniac and mentioned that I have a high libido is because I wasn’t circumcised. Can this be true?
Thanks in advance for your help.
Sex starved Angel.
Chai, I couldn’t help laughing a bit at the matter sha. First Thanks for allowing me into your space.
I would answer you from several angles which I am sure would breed some controversies. I just can’t wait for the comments that would ensue.
One of the things our societal setting oppresses is the sexuality of women. It is okay for a man to have certain sexual feelings but a woman is considered a whore, prostitute or promiscuous because she has healthy sexual feelings. While no one sees anything wrong with a man having a side chic by the side, it is all wrong when it is vice versa. The end result is where women feel there is something wrong with them when they have these sexual appetites.
I have met several women held down by guilt feelings over these issues. Some have gone to extremes to try and cast out the “demons” in them, several I have met are burdened by self-esteem issues.
Angel, there is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t a nymphomaniac. Please go read up a clearer definition of that term. Just like some men have a heightened need for sex, so also do some women. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with them, the problem comes with how they choose to express these urges.
I believe you should have full sexual fulfilment within marriage and it is something you can work on. There is absolutely no need having to look outside. A lot of guys don’t realize that sex is not all about them. No one has probably thought your boo how to satisfy a woman, he likely grew up thinking it is in every man’s DNA to automatically be able to please a woman. He should go and read the songs of Solomon in the Bible for inspiration.
One thing I can tell you though is that from research, we find that a woman’s sexual libido diminishes with marriage. The stress of wife hood, Motherhood and being the homemaker takes a toll and I can assure you that some of your present energy and needs would be absorbed first after marriage and then following childbirth.
Having said that, I have some solutions.
- Have a sex talk with your boo, help him to step up his game. Let him know that he is not fulfilling that part of the department and you guys need to work out how to make your sex life more satisfying. There are several materials that can help you both. Please avoid the use of pornographic material as it would only make life worse for both of you. Some material I could recommend are books by Masters and Johnson, Ian Kerner or Emily Nagoski. These are all PhD sexual psychologists and I have had lots of success with their material in couple sexual counselling.
- It is important you both are open about your sexual relationship. Teach him how to satisfy you. The areas to touch and how to touch you. For a woman, sex is more about the journey. For the guy, it is more about the moment. Also, do same for him. You should both spend time learning how to make sex enjoyable for both of you.
- Lastly, you might want to explore getting a dildo – of course with his permission. For some guys, getting one is a bruise to their ego as they consider it a failing not to be able to satisfy their woman in bed. Some others are open minded enough to accept it. The dildo doesn’t replace the man it helps in aiding the sexual experience and from couple feedback, helps their marriage sexual experiences.
I believe Ross is about to write an article on the role of sex in nurturing healthy marriage relationships. I have seen a part of it and it is something I would highly recommend you both should read.
TO ALL DD READERS….
You can send your “Dear Davina’ letters to me directly @ firstname.lastname@example.org. I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is ‘for my eyes only’ and I promise complete anonymity where I decide to publish your letter.
I look forward to hearing from you…