Another beautiful day and another Dear Davina day. Have you ever found yourself in that situation where both choices are right and it is very difficult to know which way to go as regards matters of the heart? That is what today’s Dear Davina is about. Well, let’s just jump right into it and see what it is about. Don’t forget that you can read past Dear Davina and also some other great Davina Diaries articles. See you at the break
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I have been in this relationship for two years now but recent happenings have left me confused as to whether I should stay or leave.
I’m a fun loving type but I had to sacrifice that when my mum started having financial difficulties which left my journey on the educational ladder hazy and my boyfriend chipped in so it meant that our fun life had to close for some time which I agreed, understood and never complained about it.
After our first year of dating, I started noticing some changes and that has become my nightmare since. His female friends started interfering in our relationship in the sense that he goes out with them sometimes without my knowledge and sometimes lies to me about that. It made me feel that they always came first before me and I feel left out because he was always in a hurry to go meet his friends and when I complain all hell breaks loose.
I felt that pain because I had to cut off all my friends and stopped going out for the sake of our relationship. I always feel lonely.
Recently a friend of mine whom I haven’t heard from for almost three years now gave me a call. We met up on one Friday evening at a party that was thrown for him but getting back home that evening was risky because of the area so I had to spend the night at his place even though I didn’t like the idea but I had no choice because my life was at risk.
I got back home early the following morning only to meet my doom. My boyfriend got mad at me and my mum too was upset at me for staying out all night. I understood my boyfriend because that day was our anniversary. I apologized and explained everything to him and he forgave me and as usual, told me to cut off from my friend of which I did.
This friend of mine, however, kept coming back because he wanted to meet my mum to apologize to her for what happened that day and my mum also wanted to meet him to know the type of person he his.
My boyfriend usually takes my phone and reads my messages and also tracks my phone and has listened to every call I had made in the past but especially that of my new friend’s calls to me. Upon finding out he misunderstood everything thinking that I was still in contact with the guy. Saying that after he had asked me to cut him off, I didn’t even listen to me.
I explained to him that it was because of my mum I was still in contact with the guy. My friend finally met my mum and it turned out that my mum likes him and he expressed interest in me to my mum even though I had made it very clear to him that I was in love with someone else and couldn’t be with him. I don’t pick any of his calls neither do I reply to any of his messages because my phone is been tracked now.
I’m not happy because its like I feel trapped in this and I’m also scared of starting elsewhere because I may not know what I’ll meet after this.
Dear Davina, Please advice me before I take any decision.
My two cents…
Thanks for your mail.
first of all, I would like to point out that you are in an abusive relationship. This article here would let you see 11 signs that you are in an abusive relationship. I wouldn’t go to details here as that article explains it all.
Your guy has no right to be reading your messages or to be monitoring you. No self-respecting assured man does that. If you marry him, please know that the condition would worsen.
I understand that sometimes you could be distorting the story, especially as regards that of his own female friends to reflect your point of view but the other signs are subtle signs of emotional abuse.
You could feel enamoured to your current guy because he was there when you had all the financial issues with your mom but trust me, this isn’t one relationship you might want to have for a long term.
As regards your new friend, I don’t have enough information about him to advice you as regards if to go with him or not so I can’t give you much in that regard. The only thing I find strange is why your mother would approve a new guy even where she knows you have someone else you have been dating.
I mean if your mum is concerned enough about your staying out of the home for a night, it tells a lot about the kind of home you come from. She even goes to the length of wanting to meet with this person that you stayed out with. Why isn’t she happy with your current guy? This is something we might want to exploit. Parents have some experience that we don’t and a number of times, are able to pull back, observe and know what is best for their kids.
You are too emotionally invested in this relationship to make some wise choices. I am also a bit curious as to why you are willing to take all the emotional abuse being thrown at you. Is it because you feel beholden to the guy or there is some deeper emotional issues we should look at?.
My advice really would be to leave both of them and work on yourself. Schooling, self-development, a job, a business or something would be in order. Work on your self-confidence and assertiveness. If you don’t you could just be exchanging one task master for another. The problem isn’t as much with the guy but with the fact that you allowed/allow it.
I hope this help
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