Hello People!! Thank God it is Friday and also the last Dear Davina for the week. It has been an awesome start to the month with lots of juicy things happening here at Davina Diaries. Thank you for all your comments on the previous Dear Davina we have published. please keep it up. Today we are dealing with a Dear Davina from Precious. Please enjoy.

 

Dear Davina,

There’s this issue hunting my relationship and it’s been going on for some time now. I guess I’ve ignored it over time until it became more of a source of conflict between my boyfriend and me.

I have a loving boyfriend who is every bit sweet and charming, watches out for my interest and growth as well. He is also quite doting so much that it’s beginning to suffocate me a little. I know I am pretty much a priority for him and he tells me I occupy most of his thoughts and time.

For me, he is a priority for me as well and I try my best to meet his efforts half way.
The problem here is, my boyfriend seems to think he is the only one giving his best in our relationship. He wants me soaked in this thing called relationship and I’m beginning to feel he forgets that I have other aspects of my life to equally handle.

For instance, our recent disagreement was borne out of the fact that I don’t reply him on WhatsApp as quickly as he would want me to. It became so bad that I get scared when his messages have stayed more than 3minutes without a reply from me (it is not like I deliberately leave them unanswered though).

Dear Davina, I’m a passive user when it comes to WhatsApp and social media. I reply messages at my convenience and do not make it an issue when my messages are not swiftly replied to as well because I understand that everyone has a way of doing things and I can’t predict peoples free time or handle how they respond.

I expect that my boyfriend understands this part of me. We communicate every other time and spend hours talking on the phone as well, but he just does not get enough. One minute we are fine, then the moment his message goes unreplied for few minutes, it becomes an issue. His argument is that I lack commitment and do not put in much effort, making it seem as though I don’t love him or value what we have.

This is not true because I so love this guy and have built my world and future around him but I can’t stay glued to my phone for him all day just to show commitment. This issue is beginning to bother and nag at me. I just simply want him to understand that not being swift to answer his messages doesn’t mean I’m not committed to him, I just want to freely pursue other aspects of my life without being choked up by a relationship. Do you think my stance on this matter is right or am I being insensitive to his needs? I don’t want to lose him.

My thoughts…

first of all thank you very much for your mail. There are actually two issues here; the first is you and the second is your boyfriend, so I will take them separately.
1. You
People need to understand that relationships should be based on compromise. When you enter into a relationship with someone, it means that there must be a commitment from your side regarding the relationship. Relationships take work and need a change of habit and character to accommodate the other party’s needs if it must work. You can’t come into a relationship holding to all you perceive as your “uniqueness” and expect the other party to understand. you are dealing a death blow to the relationship.

for it to work, you must understand what makes the other party uncomfortable and work together towards eliminating it or reaching a healthy compromise. Your admittance to being bad at responding shows that some fault is due you. Try and make a change. If you don’t have the time to respond, send a “talk to you later”response. All phones give you the ability to set a customised message you can send. I am not saying that you should become flighty and a social media queen overnight but make some efforts.

2. Your guy
I see some danger signals regarding these relationships that could blossom into something unhealthy in the future. When an individual needs so much assurance about the relationship as manifested in so many frequent calls, need for instant responses and so many assurances, it is masking a hidden problem. I am also a bit concerned as to when you say he is choking you with his love as this is more of what females are wont to do not guys.

The described characteristics are indicative of someone lacking in self-confidence and self-assurance. Individuals like this are usually possessive and have a hidden distrust of their partners. It might look cute and all nice in the beginning but has more gloomy consequences in the future. For example under the pressure of marriage, you could see certain sides of him that you never thought you could see. However, that side was always lurking but you didn’t recognise it as I am able to let you see right now.

My Advice…

It is time to have a long talk with your guy about his past. Let him tell you about growing up. Are there histories of abuse, molestation, bullying or being dumped dramatically by an ex? Ask him why he needs so much assurance from you and why he can’t trust you enough to understand that you busy and aren’t ignoring him at those times.
Promise to change and put in the effort I suggested to you earlier but also be watchful. It is best you both decide if this is something you can both work out or if it is something you should both walk away from.

much love,
Davina
____________________________
TO ALL DD READERS…
You can send your Dear Davina letters to me directly @ davina.r@davinadiaries.com. I assure you whatever you send to this mailbox is for my eyes only and I promise complete anonymity when I decide to publish your letter.
I look forward to hearing from you
xoxoxoxoxo
Davina

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