Good day Ross T, I’d love to share my divorce story with you and the good people of DD mainly because I want to know your take on the matter.
My name is May, I was born and bred in Lagos, I got married in my 30s because I was too busy chasing a career and fending for myself and younger ones to make time for relationship commitments.
So eventually when I met the man I married, we didn’t spend much time dating before we tied the knot because we felt that long-term dating is for young lovers. I did love my husband and felt comfortable with his person while we were dating.
We got married and continued living our normal lives. Even though I hadn’t been able to conceive, I felt no pressure whatsoever to have a child. Our jobs gave us no time to even do what couples do and I had been trying to invest a lot in business and other things so I can quit working for someone and have more time for myself and my husband.
But while I was busy making plans for us, I noticed my husband was all about himself. He even acted as though he’s still a bachelor and takes decisions without considering me most of the times. Whenever I raise these issues with him, he would deny them and say he was just being a man who makes his own decisions, so I let the issues rest.
Some years ago, I got the opportunity of getting a land from my office which I paid for in instalment from my salary. I told my husband about it but he was indifferent and unsupportive. I eventually had to take out a loan to develop the land and started building.
Several times I would tell my husband about the challenges I was facing trying to build the house but he would act unconcerned. While I was suffering to build on the land, my husband never for once offered any assistance nor support towards the project, not even a kobo from him.
There was a point when I desperately needed 300k for the house, I ran to my dear husband who I knew had the money to give me, but he refused to give me the money. Rather, coming up with one lame excuse or the other for not being able to help.
Eventually, I had to sell some of my personal belongings to raise the money I needed to use in buying materials for the building.
What hurt me most was the fact that my husband instead of helping me, used the money he had to acquire a new ride. I tried not to let his actions get to me and struggled to raise any money I needed on my own.
Dear Ross, all through that period when my building project was on, my husband never bothered to ask for once, how the project was going neither did he offer any sort of assistance, I bore the burden all by myself.
Eventually, my house was completed and it was a two storey building with six number of 3bed room flats. I was so elated and proud of my accomplishment. My plan was to put the flats on rent
My husband upon realizing the house had been completed began to suggest we move into two of the flats instead of paying rent.
The truth is that, I would have consented to this but for the fact that he offered no assistance whatsoever in building that same house he wanted us to move into, so I blatantly refused.
My husband was outraged by my refusal and made me feel like I was a bad wife. Then, I laid a condition before him: I told him quite frankly that if we must move into my house, he will have to pay me rent, else we’d better remain in a rented house until he built his.
I was equally incensed by the fact that he wanted to move into the house I laboured and suffered all alone to complete. If he was a good husband, he should have at least contributed instead of allowing me to labour alone while he comes to relax at the end.
We kept dragging the matter until one day, he angrily told me that he rather leave the marriage than pay rent to his wife. Equally enraged, I answered him and said so be it, because I won’t allow any man to bully me into accepting rubbish. He angrily left the house that day and we never saw eye to eye from that day on.
The most annoying part was that he went to both our families to soil my name, told them untrue stories about the house matter. Of course, everyone blamed me. Even my mum said I was wrong to act that way and that my property belongs to my husband, which I refused to accept.
When our house rent got due for renewal, my husband refused to renew it and instead went to rent a smaller apartment, claiming that he couldn’t afford the rents of the house. He also said that since I was now a landlady I could move into my house without him.
I never thought he could be that petty, and quite frankly I wasn’t ready to give in to his pettiness as well. I felt he only wanted to use me and never had me in his plans all along. I equally suspected he might have another family somewhere based on the way he was acting.
Imagine someone who earns more than 500k a month, but wouldn’t support his wife’s goals or project. I can’t even point at anything that them man did for me during the years we had been married. I regret saying yes to him, I know I deserve better treatment.
Sometimes I think I went too far in my stance about the house and would contemplate begging him to come back other times, I would refuse the thought and affirm to myself that no man should take me for granted.
This is my story. I would love to hear your take on it.
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Hi, May, thanks for your divorce story.
There are always two sides to a story. I am pretty sure your husband has his own side of this story which might have merits and demerits. However, my job is to give my advice and opinion based on the matter presented to me.
I fully believe your husband acted selfishly, was inconsiderate and was truly petty. There could be some dynamics behind why he refused to be a part of the project. It might be that he wanted the documents to be in joint names or his. It could be that he felt that you were going over your head. However, there are some salient points I use here as takeaways that give me insight into his character.
First of all, no matter how upset he was over anything, he should have been able to support you with some money and advice. There is no indication that he didn’t have the money as shown by his ability to buy a car while the project was going on.
I also feel that he had no right asking to move into the house after it was built. Whatever reasons he had not to have invested should still have been valid enough to prevent him from moving. His willingness to move in without being a part of the project shows a man that lacks self-respect.
This lack of self-respect and pettiness is further displayed by his unwillingness to renew the house rent. That was totally childish and petty. As the man of the house, he has the responsibility of taking care of his family. He could have gained some respect by willing to pay rent or keeping his pride and building his own house.
Can all this be counted as enough grounds for divorce? Well, the truth is that you didn’t initiate the divorce proceedings. By moving out of the family house and renting a place for himself, he had already signalled his intention for a separation and the eventual divorce.
One of the chief symptoms of divorce is a breakdown in trust between couples and it is quite obvious you no longer trusted him. In one of our divorce stories, we showed that financial consideration is the second highest cause of divorce in the world. I don’t believe you acted wrongly. Your judgement calls and your stand was perfectly in order.
I hope this helps.
You can send me your divorce stories or your marriage questions and issues to firstname.lastname@example.org. You can read past divorce stories and my thoughts on them here as well. We use the stories as life lessons to have better marriages and relationships.