Good day Ross T, I’d love to share my divorce story with you and the good people of DD mainly because I want to know your take on the matter.

My name is May, I was born and bred in Lagos, I got married in my 30s because I was too busy chasing a career and fending for myself and younger ones to make time for relationship commitments.

So eventually when I met the man I married, we didn’t spend much time dating before we tied the knot because we felt that long-term dating is for young lovers. I did love my husband and felt comfortable with his person while we were dating.

We got married and continued living our normal lives. Even though I hadn’t been able to conceive, I felt no pressure whatsoever to have a child. Our jobs gave us no time to even do what couples do and I had been trying to invest a lot in business and other things so I can quit working for someone and have more time for myself and my husband.

But while I was busy making plans for us, I noticed my husband was all about himself. He even acted as though he’s still a bachelor and takes decisions without considering me most of the times. Whenever I raise these issues with him, he would deny them and say he was just being a man who makes his own decisions, so I let the issues rest.

Some years ago, I got the opportunity of getting a land from my office which I paid for in instalment from my salary.  I told my husband about it but he was indifferent and unsupportive. I eventually had to take out a loan to develop the land and started building.

Several times I would tell my husband about the challenges I was facing trying to build the house but he would act unconcerned. While I was suffering to build on the land, my husband never for once offered any assistance nor support towards the project, not even a kobo from him.

There was a point when I desperately needed 300k for the house, I ran to my dear husband who I knew had the money to give me, but he refused to give me the money. Rather, coming up with one lame excuse or the other for not being able to help.

Eventually, I had to sell some of my personal belongings to raise the money I needed to use in buying materials for the building.

What hurt me most was the fact that my husband instead of helping me, used the money he had to acquire a new ride. I tried not to let his actions get to me and struggled to raise any money I needed on my own.

Dear Ross, all through that period when my building project was on, my husband never bothered to ask for once, how the project was going neither did he offer any sort of assistance, I bore the burden all by myself.

Eventually, my house was completed and it was a two storey building with six number of 3bed room flats. I was so elated and proud of my accomplishment. My plan was to put the flats on rent

My husband upon realizing the house had been completed began to suggest we move into two of the flats instead of paying rent.

The truth is that, I would have consented to this but for the fact that he offered no assistance whatsoever in building that same house he wanted us to move into, so I blatantly refused.

My husband was outraged by my refusal and made me feel like I was a bad wife. Then, I laid a condition before him: I told him quite frankly that if we must move into my house, he will have to pay me rent, else we’d better remain in a rented house until he built his.

I was equally incensed by the fact that he wanted to move into the house I laboured and suffered all alone to complete. If he was a good husband, he should have at least contributed instead of allowing me to labour alone while he comes to relax at the end.

We kept dragging the matter until one day, he angrily told me that he rather leave the marriage than pay rent to his wife. Equally enraged, I answered him and said so be it, because I won’t allow any man to bully me into accepting rubbish. He angrily left the house that day and we never saw eye to eye from that day on.

The most annoying part was that he went to both our families to soil my name, told them untrue stories about the house matter. Of course, everyone blamed me. Even my mum said I was wrong to act that way and that my property belongs to my husband, which I refused to accept.

When our house rent got due for renewal, my husband refused to renew it and instead went to rent a smaller apartment, claiming that he couldn’t afford the rents of the house. He also said that since I was now a landlady I could move into my house without him.

I never thought he could be that petty, and quite frankly I wasn’t ready to give in to his pettiness as well. I felt he only wanted to use me and never had me in his plans all along. I equally suspected he might have another family somewhere based on the way he was acting.

Imagine someone who earns more than 500k a month, but wouldn’t support his wife’s goals or project. I can’t even point at anything that them man did for me during the years we had been married. I regret saying yes to him, I know I deserve better treatment.

Sometimes I think I went too far in my stance about the house and would contemplate begging him to come back other times, I would refuse the thought and affirm to myself that no man should take me for granted.

This is my story. I would love to hear your take on it.

Hello Ross, My Husband is Gay and I am Fine With it, Part One

 

Buy now for a limited time. N1000 for all 3 books. Please Click here To Buy

 

My thoughts…

Hi, May, thanks for your divorce story.

There are always two sides to a story. I am pretty sure your husband has his own side of this story which might have merits and demerits. However, my job is to give my advice and opinion based on the matter presented to me.

I fully believe your husband acted selfishly, was inconsiderate and was truly petty. There could be some dynamics behind why he refused to be a part of the project. It might be that he wanted the documents to be in joint names or his. It could be that he felt that you were going over your head. However, there are some salient points I use here as takeaways that give me insight into his character.

First of all, no matter how upset he was over anything, he should have been able to support you with some money and advice. There is no indication that he didn’t have the money as shown by his ability to buy a car while the project was going on.

I also feel that he had no right asking to move into the house after it was built. Whatever reasons he had not to have invested should still have been valid enough to prevent him from moving. His willingness to move in without being a part of the project shows a man that lacks self-respect.

This lack of self-respect and pettiness is further displayed by his unwillingness to renew the house rent. That was totally childish and petty. As the man of the house, he has the responsibility of taking care of his family. He could have gained some respect by willing to pay rent or keeping his pride and building his own house.

Can all this be counted as enough grounds for divorce? Well, the truth is that you didn’t initiate the divorce proceedings. By moving out of the family house and renting a place for himself, he had already signalled his intention for a separation and the eventual divorce.

One of the chief symptoms of divorce is a breakdown in trust between couples and it is quite obvious you no longer trusted him. In one of our divorce stories, we showed that financial consideration is the second highest cause of divorce in the world. I don’t believe you acted wrongly. Your judgement calls and your stand was perfectly in order.

I hope this helps.

Divorce Story 28: Raymond, I married A Ghetto Girl

You can send me your divorce stories or your marriage questions and issues to ross.t@davinadiaries.com. You can read past divorce stories and my thoughts on them here as well. We use the stories as life lessons to have better marriages and relationships.

Warm regards

Ross, T.

44 COMMENTS

  1. U are a disgrace to marriage union, Go and marry ur 2story building. Dat man has been seeing hell in ur hand, U want u husband to pay rent in his house because u build de house. Shameful / disgraceful stand by u his wife, Look for another man to control but u might not be lucky, Most woman has contributed more than what u hv do still remain humble and submissive, Only 2 storybuildings u want to be dictector

    • Mr Tony, it’s not his house biko. It’s hers. If he wanted to have a right to the house he would have helped her when she needed his help and not run to buy car. He bought his car , she built her house. Why should she now dash him her own property? Only 2 storybuilding, yes, how many does he have? These are the kind of women men should marry. She thought of a permanent project , a house , not just the latest car.

      • In other words,she will not enter that car since she didn’t contribute to the buying of it. The man has gone his way. Married another lady. Let May wait for another man who will refund her money for building the house and marry him. Better still,let her marry her six flats.

    • Read de story again n understand b4 u insult her,disgrace to womanhood u call it? U dnt see anything wrong wit wat de man did.mtcheeeeeeew

    • Tonye, I am sure if it were your wife, you would have done same thing as this man… Well some men are blinded by their ego that they are men and the world belongs to them… More assuredly the man must be a bully, insensitive and irresponsible husband who doesn’t care about the needs of his wife

    • Your comments indicate that you are also a scammer just like the husband. They have no children together, he had the ability but refused to help and you want her risk her life allowing him into the house. This is a classical case of the proverb that says to be alone is better than being in a bad company. Woman, I pray that God strenghes you as you leave him. Those blaming you will not live your life for you or help when he decides he wants to sell the house or kill you.

      • 🤣🤣🤣🤣this comment is pure gold. Man got a woman who worked to multiply money she didn’t have to create a source of income and now the man is insecure cuz now he knows she don’t need him

        Ofui. How I’m looking for a wife like that myself☺️

  2. Your husband took care of you: rent, all bills, feeding and many more while you use your money to build apartment without contributing a dime in upkeep of the house and that is selfishness. He could have equally built a house if not for the financial obligation in the house he single handedly shouldered.

    • Where in her write up did you see that she did contribute a dime for the upkeep of the family. And since when does buying himself a car become financial obligation? If he was smart he’d have seen that what his wife is doing is for their own good and he would have helped her financially so they could move into the house and stop paying rent. For all you know he is the one who didn’t contribute a dime. Discernment is what some of you lack.

  3. I don’t see any thing wrong with what you did. As moral support self the man no fit give. Leave the man alone. You are better of without him.

  4. Until people understand that in marriage every property is jointly owned, the very essense of marriage as an institution will remain defeated.

    Madam, you had 2 important choices. One was to forgive your husband and make your marriage work, the second was to be vengeful, selfish and disloyal. Unfortunately, you chose the later. The result is what you have today on your plate. The truth is that those who encouraged you to throw away your marriage will be the first to mock you later.

    • Thanks for your humble submission. You built a house and you are asking your husband to pay rent on it. If he pays the rent,will you want to live in the same flat? Because you didn’t contribute to paying the rent,you might not be living in that flat too. He bought a car. You’re using the car. Are you paying taxi fare for using his car? Many men out there build houses and live with their wives. Many women do the same. If you don’t want him to live in the house you built because he didn’t contribute towards it,then allow him to be now that he has moved out. Marry your house. Shikinah.

  5. For what it’s worth, you did the right thing. Let no one’s judgement get to you! Enjoy your life, God willing, you’ll find a man that will appreciates and pamper you like a queen that you are. Cheers

  6. Can’t judge from far …but i did pick out a red flag. You said yourself that you didn’t have time to do what couples do?! Something was wrong with your relationship. No man is too busy for sex.So you chased career over relationship therefore marrying late, finally married and starved husband of sex, man was patient for a while …considering you said you felt no pressure, clearly kept your finances from him, started building without his blessing …another sign of chasing your own goals …not the goals of a wife…was bold enough to ask him to pau for rent ..mind you ….it doesn’t matter he didn’t contribute….women do that all the time and didn’t you think how it would sound? You don’t know how to respect a man ….so don’t expect love from a man. You wanted the title of wife …..wasted and used the man …and probably didn’t have kids so you could escape without problems. You are the definition of NAD person…..forget …wife matter..

  7. In marriage, two become one. So why would a man who receives over 500k monthly allow his wife to sell her valuable in order to raise 300k? That’s selfishness. In our country, even when a woman contributes more in the building of a house, everyone thinks it is the man because some men are wise enough to contribute the little they have. The truth is that, men who are self centered hardly change, let him go ahead soiling her name, the truth will always prevail. What kind of future should one expect from a man like that, let the woman do what is right and be at peace instead of being with a man who only thinks of himself. When a child enters that kind of home, the man ends up spoiling the mother to the child. Hmmmm, time will tell.

  8. Going by the merit of that story, I will say that it is misogyny or disrespect for women to maintain that May was mean in her decision. A male who fails from the onset to see the future when the wife first mentioned the opportunity to purchase a parcel of land but chooses to spend on depreciating materials like cars does not qualify to be called a man. Those who support such dispositions too should have their ‘manhood’ checked.

  9. But actually the man no try, he could have aleast supported. He has a brain of a wife ,how many women will build you a house. My dear swallow ur bride and forgive the fool no matter hr does not deserve it for the sake of your marriage.

  10. Marriage is an Interdependent life,it is for 2 or more emotionally, mentally and physically independent adults coming together in sincere and honesty,to interdepend with each other for a greater cause filled with happiness and peace of mind,there is no room for being dependent or independent in an Interdependent life,the party must interdepend with each other all the time,if had bought the land and started developing while you were single,it would have been a different ball game, buying a land and developing a land without agreeing with your husband was a clear case of being independent in an Interdependent life, you never carried your husband along, your attitude more like,”I am financially independent,I can do it with or without you,and yet you feel bad because he didn’t contribute?if he had supported you in building that houses,and incase of divorce,who owns the house? was the document of the house issued in your name or jointly?you where practically pursueing you own goal in your marriage,and want to blackmail the innocent man into surpoting you in the name of your husband.there is a consequence for every actions,and your family even condemned your act,the same family you said you toiled to give them a good life, they didn’t go for sentiment,they told you the truth!, you don’t have a husband now and no kids,if something happens to you now, would you know what happens to house?, you chose 2 story building over your marriage?,kk oooo,mark my words today if you don’t go back and do the right thing, swallow your pride, apologize to your husband and fix your marriage, another young dude will scheme his way into your life,take over your 2 story building and even waste your life.go back to your husband and make yourself marriage work, material things is not the ultimate in marriage.

  11. Marriage is an Interdependent life,it is for 2 or more emotionally, mentally and physically independent adults coming together in sincere and honesty,to interdepend with each other for a greater cause filled with happiness and peace of mind,there is no room for being dependent or independent in an Interdependent life,the party must interdepend with each other all the time,if you had bought the land and started developing while you were single,it would have been a different ball game, buying a land and developing a land without agreeing with your husband was a clear case of being independent in an Interdependent life, you never carried your husband along, your attitude more like,”I am financially independent,I can do it with or without you,and yet you feel bad because he didn’t contribute?if he had supported you in building that houses,and incase of divorce,who owns the house? was the document of the house issued in your name or jointly?you where practically pursueing you own goal in your marriage,and want to blackmail the innocent man into surpoting you in the name of your husband.there is a consequence for every actions,and your family even condemned your act,the same family you said you toiled to give them a good life, they didn’t go for sentiment,they told you the truth!, you don’t have a husband now and no kids,if something happens to you now, would you know what happens to house?, you chose 2 story building over your marriage?,kk oooo,mark my words today if you don’t go back and do the right thing, swallow your pride, apologize to your husband and fix your marriage, another young dude will scheme his way into your life,take over your 2 story building and even waste your life.go back to your husband and make your marriage work, material things is not the ultimate in marriage.

  12. Wow. It’s a pity money blinded you into what you did. Can’t see any reason why you divorced. You failed woefully but am glad you can now marry your money and live happily

  13. Your ex behaved the way most men in our culture behave. Many men don’t like their wives building or progressing. This is the truth I have seen in many relationships. What you did is not wrong and you may end up blaming yourself more if you had given in to his antics. He will frustrate you with demands till he takes away the title deeds of the property from you or have it changed to his ownership. He is not only petty, but cunning, insecure and may turn out a complete disappointment. I stopped building and gave up my career when I saw these insecure trends in my husband. At a point in our quarrel, he actually insisted I surrender my salary to him and that i could not spend what i earned without his permission (we are both lawyers oh). He did a lot of things the that literarily broke my heart, so I reasoned then that if it is the money that is causing me so much trouble, then i better ‘rest’ from business. I concentrated on taking care of our child, but I can tell you that though he seemed happier at my present nil financial status, I am not finding it funny at all and am trying to get my life and career back to some good level. It’s like coming up from the dead. Giving into pressure would make you regret in the end. Be strong and make sure you don’t fall into worse hands.

  14. The marriage has much more underlying problems. it sounds like the man did everything on purpose just because he wants an out of that marriage. He doesn’t want to move in with you. He just said it bacause he knew you’ll refuse so he can have a reason to move out. If you think you did the right thing, don’t look back. if i were in your shoes I’ll play differently. you
    made your decision so live with it. He’s fine without you and you’re fine without him. pls allow dead matter rest.

  15. My dear May, I quite agree your husband acted selfishly from your story. From your narrative, you didn’t try to build a home. You built a house. Most men act the way of your husband but wisdom has been given to us to profit with.

  16. May u did d right thing by nt leting him move into d house you built with your money,u did nt hide it frm him when u bought d land,as a man he is d one DAT was suppose to encourage u in d building d house,but he decided to be selfish,with no shame he wants to reap where he did nt sew,my dear dnt mind d people DAT are talking abt keeping d marriage, u where independent before u married him, as d both of u became one he is to stand with u in whatever plans u make,but he has an a gender thinking he’s smart,make sure u avoid him,nd move on with your life.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.