I have read a lot of stories here and I want to share mine majorly for sincere advice.
I met Jude while in secondary school. We didn’t start dating until I University and he proposed. I gladly accepted because he is really kind, compassionate, loves me beyond doubt, looks out for the best for me, buys me gifts…the list goes on because that’s who he is.
We have been married for several years and it has been great. Yes, we have our issues but he is really sweet and often begs irrespective of whether he’s at fault or not. He is quite responsive to my family and treats them just like his.
Jude adores the ground I walk on and does not cheat…I know he enjoys flirting with ladies but it never goes sexual. He does not lie to me and makes sure the kids and I don’t lack anything needful.
I am sure you are already wondering why I am coming to your page when I have a man like this. it’s because of sex….. He married me a virgin and he is the only man that I have ever had penetrative sex with. However, most times I am left unsatisfied that am beginning to think I have a problem with my sexuality.
I am not circumcised. Before I and Jude were in a relationship, I had a couple of boyfriends that I used to make out with but never had sex with them. I used to climax then but now with my husband, it is very difficult.
He has an average sexual appetite, I would say almost the same as mine but even if he stays 45 mins on top of me I would only enjoy it but never to the point of orgasm.
I have been told that it’s a thing of the mind and I have tried putting my mind to it. He is not sexually adventurous, liking only the mummy and daddy style. When I say we should try something else he would complain… maybe the ground is too cold, the bathroom is dangerous etc.
After one round he is tired and he tells me I should go and see a doctor to check if my clitoris is normal.
Should I get a divorce because am not sexually satisfied or cheat?
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First of all, thanks for your letter.
As women have become more emancipated, more assertive and more contributory to the family, there also has come more sexual awareness and a need for greater sexual satisfaction. This isn’t a bad thing at all. There is nothing wrong with you wanting more from sexual relationships with your husband.
I feel that on the contrary, men haven’t quite evolved as fast to understand this need of women to be satisfied not only at work but also in the bedroom. For example, I read where your husband dismisses your issues making it seem like you have a medical problem.
All sorts of myths, stereotypes and societal standards exist. A woman who wants to be sexually satisfied must be a slut, a loose woman or must be badly circumcised or mutilated.
Most guys rarely think they might be at fault. This is because not only have they been brought up to think this way, it is also a challenge to their male virility for it to be otherwise.
Sex should be a two-way street. It should be about finding the sexual needs and preferences of your partner and satisfying them. Sex is the oil of every relationship and even though you have all the niceties, you should also have good sex to oil it.
Your husband seems stuck in the above school of thought, Where it is assumed that the missionary style – also known as the mummy and daddy style – is the only style in bed. Some women think so as well as some men. I once heard of a teacher proclaiming that the missionary style was the only style ordained by God and anything outside of that is a sin.
I have sure read my bible from Genesis to Revelation and I never once saw that mentioned. If anything, Paul admonishes that spouses should not deny each other their bodies in sex. Of course, if a partner comes along with one weird fetish you are uncomfortable with, you don’t need to go along. But sex shouldn’t be limited to the bedroom and missionary.
Having said that, this, I don’t think is enough reason for divorce. I advise that you go see the doctor as your husband has said. However, make sure you see an elderly and not a young doctor. Explain the situation to the doctor and ask him for help in getting your husband to be more sexually adventurous.
Most doctors especially if they are gynaecologist understand this and would be willing to play along with you in that regard.
There are also things you can do to spice up your sex life. Men are sexually driven by what they see. Arrange to have times when you are alone without the kids. Either you find a way to have the kids away from home on a weekend or take out time and go to a hotel or a resort for a romantic date.
Break the routine, dress up nicely and sensually, flirt with him during that period. Wear little or no clothing and make some attempt at just enjoying him. You can also help him sexually. Find the spots that get him sexually aroused. Some guys like you to play with their nipples. Play around and find his hot spots. Then teach him yours. You would need to help him.
From what I can see, the big thing missing in your sexual relationship is foreplay. What you had with your other boyfriends was foreplay and not penetration. Your husband seems to go straight to the business not understanding that women get there later than men. So help him.
Also, yes the mind works. If while your husband is working on you, all you can think about is baby food or how to make amala for dinner etc, you wouldn’t achieve orgasm. Try and learn how to zone into the lovemaking, it helps in achieving orgasm.
Well, I hope this helps. Go find my other material on sex in marriage. You can find it in the section “help me I am Married”
If you have any marriage counselling needs or questions, please write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. My letters are usually heavily doctored to hide your identity. I also don’t publish without your permission. Where It is too expository, I give my advice privately without publishing.