Today, I continue the story of Sade from Part one. For those following the story, Sade wrote me about her husband Akin whom she discovered to be gay eight months into their marriage. She however felt confident enough to continue the marriage and she is writing me 4 years after.
What do you think? would you be able to forgive your husband’s or wife’s indiscretions and move on? I am not talking just about a gay husband or a lesbian wife what of a husband fond of indiscretions such as a cheating husband or wife? how about a husband on the other side of finances.
The purpose of this series is to take another look at divorce and separations by telling the stories of people who stayed despite adverse conditions and situations. The purpose is to help that struggling spouse find another reason to stay on by drawing strength from those who had walked that journey.
Of course I totally accept that not everyone can walk this journey it is not for everyone. But if one or two marriages can be saved through this series, then it would have been worth it. Not everyone can live with the discovery of a gay husband nor a cheating wife but those who have can be a source of strength to us all.
Please join the debate. I have some letters I will share in the next episode which hopefully is the last one for this particular letter. Please add your comments and make your contributions. you can send me a private letter via my email firstname.lastname@example.org
Hello Ross, My Husband Is Gay and I Am Fine With It Part 2.
So many thoughts ran through my mind as I lay on that bed that night. Divorce, annulment .. I was so pained and I had all the grounds for them.
I found myself thinking of if he was having an affair with Muyiwa or with his driver. Which of his male friends was his lover? I was overwhelmed and I fell asleep with those thoughts on my mind.
When I woke up, I still felt troubled but certain other thoughts came into my mind. I thought of my mum and her marriage to my dad.
One of my sisters isn’t from my mum. My dad had an affair with one of his staff and she had my sister for her. My mum accepted her and insisted that she was brought her to live with us, raising her as her own child. I grew up knowing her as my sister. She had all the rights and privileges we enjoyed as kids.
That was just one of the many indiscretions of my dad and my mum stood by him all through. I know it bothered her but she so had a way of dealing with it that it never affected our family life.
I thought of calling her to speak with her but at the back of my mind, I had this thought of protecting my husband because I still loved him.
I started to rationalise the whole thing so as to see another side of it. I tried to ask myself what the real issue was here ? Was it that he was gay or was it that he was unfaithful to me?
As far as I was concerned, Akin hadn’t been unfaithful to me with another man or another woman. At least I hadn’t caught him with anyone.
So was my fear the fact that he could be sleeping with a man and I wouldn’t know?
What of the many men who were sleeping with their secretaries or other women and there wives weren’t aware.
Was it the fear of him leaving me for another man? But then I was aware of men that had left their wife’s for other women.
So basically I was dealing with a fear that hadn’t yet manifested.
On the other hand, Akin was a marvelous man and a wonderful husband. There was nothing I could complain about. He was sensitive and so far was everything I wanted in a man. I had known him for over 3 years and he had never mis-stepped.
If he had been having homosexual affairs quietly by the side, then he had done a good job of covering them up and that was perfect with me.
The more I thought about it and opened my mind to it, the less the matter seemed obnoxious to me. After a couple of hours I felt relieved enough to confront my husband.
I believed that he held the key to the survival of our marriage. There were key questions I needed to ask him, stuff we needed to discuss and his answers would determine where next the direction of our marriage went.
I left the room and went upstairs to meet with Akin and have our talk. As I got to the upstairs seating room, I saw Akin seating down. He had his phone in his hand and the look in his eyes as he met mine let me know that he was aware I had read the messages from Muyiwa.
To cut a long story short and leave out all drama, we spoke.
Akin’s parents died when he was five years old. He had gone to live with his uncle who sexually abused him from that age up until his teens. By the time he was in his teens, he had settled into his current sexual orientation and had been this way through university until well after his NYSC when he joined church.
In church, he had struggled with this matter and had come to desire a change. It was in the midst of trying to forge a new life for himself that he had met me. It was a tough journey for him and he admitted to a couple of indiscretions in the first few months of our seeing each other but he had been straight in the past 3 years and the only person in his life sexually or otherwise was me.
He admitted the toughness of the whole situation for him, Reaffirmed that in his own way, he loved me and begged me to please forgive him for the deceit. He admitted that he should have let me know everything from the beginning but he was afraid that I would have been judgemental and wouldn’t have given him a chance.
He was looking forward to being a father and was willing to continue our Iife together if I would have him and give him the chance.
I was torn in several pieces. I mean this was my life but this was also my marriage and my husband. I however felt a calmness after he had spoken to me and I asked that he gave me sometime to reflect over it.
I was seriously tempted to speak to someone about it. First our pastor, but I must admit that I initially felt some anger towards the pastor and I was in no mood to listen to his counsel. Even though I didn’t ask Akin about that part, I felt the pastor just have known about Akin and he should have warned me or at least spoken to me about it. He just allowed me to walk into something un prepared.
I however asked myself if I would have accepted Akin if anyone had told me about his sexual orientation and for me, the true answer would have been no. There is no way I would have. Here I was struggling with the matter after 3 years of a relationship, 8 months of marriage and a baby on the way.
The only person I felt would understand was my mum. She had always been a tower of strength and my first counsel in all matters. I had seen her face issues in her marriage with my dad and I believed that she would be able to help me make a decision. At the same time, I was afraid of exposing the man I love and still loved. I had several ideas of marriage in my mind. A lot of it gotten from my mom and one of the things she had drilled in me was that spouses protected each other.
At the end of the day, I realised that the final decision lay with me. I would have to live with whatever decision I made. People could help me but it was ultimately my choice and the consequences of my decision would be borne by me and my children.
All this happened 4 years ago. We now have 2 lovely kids and our marriage couldn’t be stronger. I have grown to love Akin more than even before and I couldn’t have wished for a better father for my kids. He absolutely loves and dotes on them.
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Do I have fears? to be candid, if I search the back of my mind, I do. sometimes I feel that Akin might get tired of this life and want to life a different life where he could express himself fully. Sometimes I wonder if it is the restraint of Nigeria that is keeping him and I wonder if it would be different if we were in another clime such as in the US or Canada or Europe.
But then, I clear such thoughts from my mind because I believe that the same thoughts might be running through every woman’s mind. I mean their husband’s could run off with another woman just as likely as Akin is likely to run away with another man or woman. That for me is the risk of marriage and why we make the choices in the beginning.
I mean of all the choices we have, we choose what we believe would be the best bet for us. Akin wasn’t the first man in my life, I had been in at least 2 other relationships before him. He also wasn’t the only one asking me out and during our 3 years of courtship, I still had a few guys who wanted me to leave him for them. Why did I choose him? It was because he was the one that presented the best choice of all the guys I was interacting with it and I still feel the same.
I also play with the fact that his sexual orientation could have fully changed and he was happy with me in all areas. I mean, he wasn’t born gay, he was rushed into that by his uncle, why couldn’t he also be changed by his later life choices. By agreeing to settle with him, I took the bet that I and his kids would be enough reasons for him to want to want another life.
Am I fulfilled in marriage? Yes I am. I have a husband who loves me and dotes on me and my kids. He is a kind , gentle and sensitive man. I wish the sex was better but I have learnt to live with it. We have found a way around it and I would also say that I have a fulfilled sexual life. I have a girl friend who was dating a married guy and her main guy at the same time. it wasn’t for any financial gratification on her part. In fact she got more from steady guy than from married man. The married man was great in bed, was more romantic and more fun for her. Her guy represented a steady life but sucked at sex. She eventually came to her senses and left the man to his wife and married her guy. They are doing quite well now. She admits she misses the great sex now and then but has learnt to manage. In the four years of being married, she has never cheated on her husband.
One has to determine what brings about fulfillment in marriage. For me, it is an assurance that my husband loves me and my kids, he is a provider and a strength to us, helps me to dream and helps me in my dream journey. Oh everything is not rosy rosy oh! We have our quarrels and fights but then which couple doesn’t?
So Ross, T, that is my take on the matter. I don’t think I am the only woman on this side of my story. It might not be a gay husband but it could be something else. Why do we stay? I think I have explained it enough. I however agree that not everyone has this grace and we shouldn’t use cases like mine as the yardstick for everyone else.
I strongly believe that having a mum like mine was a great influence in my decision. Ah I forgot to mention that I did discuss the matter with her 2 years after. Guess what, she already knew. Apparently she for whatever reasons had broached the matter with Akin and he had come clean with her on it and she was ok with it after listening to him. This was a full year before I discussed with her.
When I asked her why she didn’t raise it with me, she said to me that she knew the child she had raised, that when I had gained enough confidence in her ability to handle such a matter, I would be the person to raise it with her.