Hello Ross,
I’m a mother married for a few years. My husband and his best friend are bankers. They both work in the same bank and have been friends long before I got to know my husband. His best friend is not married so he mostly comes around over the weekends to have dinner with us.

Two weeks ago my husband’s best friend came around as usual but whilst I was in the kitchen washing plates I felt someone grab me from behind. My husband normally does that so I was not moved, then he passed his hands beneath my arms and grabbed my boobs, started fondling them so I asked softly…are u honi? The response was “yes” but the voice wasn’t my husbands so I turned quickly and dropped a plate out of shock.

It was my husband’s best friend. My husband rushed into the kitchen to find out if all was well, his friend started laughing and told him I saw a cockroach and dropped the plate out of fear. They both went out of the kitchen laughing at me.

For two weeks now I ‘ve not been myself, he has never made any such advances at me before. I called him to find out why he did that and he said he is sorry. I want to tell my husband about it but I feel it may destroy their long friendship or should I let it go?

My thoughts…

Thank you so much for your mail and your willingness to share.
This is indeed a very sensitive issue and should be looked at carefully because of the implications of any decision you take. Unfortunately, you are in a catch 22 situation and there is no joy in any decision you would take.

Situations like this have ruined families and homes beyond just relationships. One of the divorce stories of last week can testify to this.

I have just one concern though. The boldness with which he grabbed, the boldness he took in fondling you and the boldness he had in answering you suggests some prior familiarity and also crossed boundaries. In cases like this, the guy might make a sudden grab and retreat, rarely would they do linger as he did.

It could be one of two things or a combination of both. First of all, it is likely that he felt that you had been flirting with him prior to this and had been inviting him. Secondly, it is also likely that he thought you had seen him approach and was referring to him all the while you were actually referring to your husband.

I really don’t know what relationship boundary lines were crossed here but they were definitely crossed. You might want to look at this in the future as regards your relationship with your husband’s and your male friends.

Some women who grew up in the midst of several boys aren’t quite conscious of these relationship lines and do not realise that they blur these lines constantly.

My advice…

This is a tough one and a tough call but I would ultimately choose to go with what should have been the right thing for the friend to do. Even if you were flashing it right in his face, it was his duty to call you to order knowing who you were. It would be bad enough if you were a girlfriend of his friend, but to do this to his wife?

Please report the matter to your husband as urgently as you can. The friend should have considered the relationship with your husband before going ahead to grab your boobs. The boldness with which he did it suggests that he assumed he had a right to it and that you were leading him one.

This guy has the potential of either raping you or one day putting you in a compromising situation that would be difficult for you to explain to your husband. What if your husband had worked in at the point when you were asking him if he was honi, what explanation would you have? Would you be able to explain that it was a shock to you? you seemed to have been enjoying it.

I would advise that you and your husband should confront him together. Don’t allow your husband to confront him alone as he could deny the whole thing or create something blaming you. Your husband might not say anything after but he would have created some doubts in his mind.

Also don’t let him have any suspicions about what you are about to do. It is best to tell your husband the night of day before he comes for his usual weekend meal.

I would love to have feedback on how this goes.

If you would like to hear my advice on a matter, please send me a mail at ross.t@davinadiaries.com. Please take time to enjoy other splendid articles from Davina diaries. I would love to hear your opinions and read your comments.

Warm regards
Ross, T.

8 COMMENTS

  1. Your marriage or his friendship? It is just the beginning of more advances, threats and heartaches. Please tell hubby prayerfully. I added prayerfully as there’s nothing as good as the right moment.

  2. You need to choose which is more important to you. Your marriage or your husband’s friendship? More to that, his actions has clearly told you to be careful around him and also, your husband should watch what he shares with this guy about your marital affairs especially sexaully. I’m sure he’s not going to stop if something isn’t done fast because there hasn’t been any clear boundaries drawn by your husband between your husband’s bachelor life and his transition to marriage. Inform your husband and make sure the three of you are presnt during the discourse

  3. You need to choose which is more important to you. Your marriage or your husband’s friendship? More to that, his actions has clearly told you to be careful around him and also, your husband should watch what he shares with this guy about your marital affairs especially sexaully. I’m sure he’s not going to stop if something isn’t done fast because there hasn’t been any clear boundaries drawn by your husband between your husband’s bachelor life and his transition to marriage. Inform your husband and make sure the three of you are presnt during the discourse

  4. No better solution/advice than what T Ross said.
    Please save your home….bring your husband into it….and prayerfully that God will shame the devil lurking to crash your marriage.

  5. He’s most likely to deny and turn it against you when eventually confronted. I ‘ll suggest you call him again and register your displeasure about the incident. Tactically replay the incident and let him know how bothered and hurt you ‘ve been since the incident. Get him to talk very well and most likely apologise profusely or at least own up from his statements once again. Then make sure to record the call/conversation and have it played to him as soon as he begins to deny when confronted. That way, you sure to have yourself on the safe side while trashing the matter.

  6. Find away to reach members of his family most especially the family head. And narrate your own side of the story to him .though their maybe little blaming by the family but you will definitely achieve your goal.

  7. Find away to reach members of his family most especially the family head. And narrate your own side of the story to him .though their maybe little blaming by the family but you will definitely achieve your goal.

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