Hello, welcome to another of our divorce stories. I sincerely believe that understanding history helps us build a better future. Our last three Divorce stories which you can read from here and here and here all deal with the theme of look before you leap. people fail to understand that most of a person’s character and behaviour is formed by the time he or she is 15 or thereabouts. There isn’t much you can do to change that individual in later years. It takes something drastic well beyond being married to cause that individual to have a change of behaviour. They could change habits but rarely behaviour because behaviour is deeply rooted in the individual’s VABEs which are Values, Assumptions, Belief’s and Expectations.
You can’t come into a marriage with a hammer and chisel and hope to sculpt your partner. If the individual was a cheat before marriage, expect that they would cheat while married to you. If the individual has been violent, expect same. rarely do you marry and suddenly a stranger pops out. Watch out and look. Understand that whatever behaviour you are seeing in courtship, is more than likely to be amplified during the marriage. On this backdrop, we take the divorce story of Yemisi. Please make your observations, comments and then let me know what you think. You can drop me a mail at firstname.lastname@example.org c/o Ross T.
My Divorce Story 25, Yemisi, Ann: Locked Out
I never imagined I would be sharing my Divorce story here, but I ’ve been at a point in my life where I was broken to pieces, I was so hurt and I was at the verge of losing it.
My name is Yemisi, so I was married for 3years and we have a son.
My so-called husband who I got married to legally and traditionally without leaving the church out too, never misses clubbing every Friday. Yeah you heard me, he was a party animal and at first, I didn’t mind when we were courting.
I thought all that was going to change once we get married and get settled down but how wrong I was, we barely finished our honeymoon leave before he jumped back on the wagon of partying.
Yes, I still did not complain as such, just suggested to him to lessen the frequency as it doesn’t look so responsible for a married man to frequent clubs that much. But what do I know, my husband didn’t listen, he said it was away for him to unwind after every week’s labour and to also share time with his homeboys
Then I started seeing different calls and messages from ladies on his phone, I still chose to ignore, because I knew that was going to brood quarrel and push him out more.
I kept doing my duty as a loving wife, praying and hoping that this man will come back to his senses in time to know what he was doing to our marriage and home, but to no avail.
Then the worst happened just like that, without a warning or prelude, you just wouldn’t believe.
I had to make an important journey, I travelled for just 2weeks, guess what I found when I got back.
First, my husband had changed the lock to the gate, and he didn’t tell me, I had to get someone to help break the lock.
Oh and the shocker was waiting when I entered the house, I discovered another Lady has moved into my matrimonial home. What!
I couldn’t believe my eyes when he came home. He had no excuse and he was not sorry. That was the nail in the coffin.
As a matter of fact, it appeared he was waiting for me to get back so I could pack my things. Yeah, he packed my things out. I just kept looking on in disbelief as he was in the act.
God knows I never wronged this man for once. I was with a nine months old baby at the time, was just looking at clocking 27 years and right before my eyes, my whole world came tumbling down. I kept reminiscing about our relationship and early months in marriage, how could I have been so stupid in love to ignore the tell-tale signs of this impending doom?
Well I decided to accept the fact that he was gone, my family said he was probably jazzed by the other woman, his family had nothing much to say. I’m sure they kinda blame me for my dilemma.
One of his sisters even said how can a man just wake up one day and evict his wife if there was no skeleton somewhere in her cupboard? That made me realise I had no ally in his family. Besides, he was their breadwinner so they had to dance to his tune.
When I recovered a bit from all that happened after moving out, I vowed to work with my last breath to ensure I take good care of my Son. I was only worth a 100k when he threw me out and didn’t know what business to do with just that amount. I just had a strong believe the tribulations was going to pass.
A friend introduced me to online buying and selling so I started small and gradually began to sell more as I made more profit. Thanks to the power of optimism.
I wasn’t going to let any man end my life with a failed marriage. I just want to encourage other women who may be in my shoes not to ever give up because of divorce. Yes, I know it hurts, it really does, it’s been a year and 10 months now, and my ex-has still not asked of me or his son’s where about, I’m still hurting, but I got to shelve the hurt most times and keep moving.
After reading Yemisi’s story, I tried to get in touch with her husband as the story is obviously very one-sided. I have dealt with cases where the wife came back home and found that the husband had thrown her things out of the house. In one particular case, the lady was out of the country by the time she came back, the husband had moved all her things to her parent’s house and changed the locks to the house. His story was that the wife was too much of a nag. She practically nagged him to run out of the house until he sort for peace.
I feel that Yemisi is sounding too self-righteous. Rarely do I see divorce or marriage breakdowns where all the fault can be traced to just one party. It is completely clear that Yemisi didn’t condone her husband’s partying and clubbing as she referred to it. It is also clear that she was quite vocal about it as can be seen.
Women don’t realise that nagging is a form of abuse. Just like hitting someone is abusive, nagging can be quite abusive especially to a man. She assumed he would change and he didn’t and that is the root of the divorce. You would need to decide from the beginning if the behaviour of a spouse is something you can live with. If it isn’t don’t marry. When you marry, it means you are ready to live with it. There are several ways your spouse would change but it wouldn’t be through abuse.
Unless Yemisi learns this fact, it would, unfortunately, mean that her next married would go the same way. While here, try to enjoy this other stories from Davina Diaries