On today’s divorce story, I want to talk about a vital ingredient in marriage called trust. Marriage is based on and can only prosper on trust. Where trust is destroyed, failure and divorce are set. Today’s divorce story is a sad one. It comes from what the contributor calls a grave mistake she made. I, however, do not quite agree with her summation. The marriage started on wrong footings creating trust issues that erupted later on. Because the couple didn’t deal with those trust issues, they later erupted. It was just a matter of time. Boye was waiting to catch her at something and he would eventually have.

Where do trust issues come from? They come from the insecurities of one or both couples. The insecurity could be due to the circumstances of how the relationship started such as in this story; it could be due to a hidden inferiority complex, insecurity issues of the partners; or it could come from a betrayal either during courtship or after marriage. Where not dealt with, it leads to marriage failure and divorce.

When you are continuously looking through your partner’s phone, screening their calls, tracking their movement or closely monitoring them, you have trust issues. These wouldn’t help your marriage, when you look for something, you will find it. Boye should have gone for counselling with his wife. He should have allowed the counsellors to help him move beyond his fears. It really had nothing to do with Kunbi’s error. It was just a matter of time for the already set divorce bomb to have erupted. No one should have to feel like a wife or a husband is a police officer.

Please read Kunbi’s story, try to honestly relate it to where you are in your marriage and get the help you need. leave me your comments and thoughts. You can read our older My Divorce Story for more insight. Please also take out time to read some of our Davina diaries articles. If you need to reach me with your story or counselling, send an email to ross.t@davinadiaries.com.
Ross, T.

My Divorce Story 33, Kunbi: He Caught Me With My Ex.

My story is a sorry one. I made a grave mistake which cost me my marriage. My name is Kunbi and this is my divorce story.

I was the happening girl back in school. I partied and went out a lot. It didn’t affect my grades though. My family had money and a long-standing family business. I really didn’t lack anything.

I met my husband, Boye while I was dating another person. We met at a function. He liked me and told me so almost immediately we met. I told him I was in a relationship. He still wanted me. I must confess he was a looker. Finer than my boyfriend.  He was rich too. My boyfriend was boring compared to him. We became friends. We also still bumped into each other at times at parties.

One day one thing led to another and we made love in his car. I cheated on my boyfriend. I felt so bad but I also enjoyed it. He was full of remorse too. We promised never to do it again. We broke that promise a week later. I knew I had to do something fast or risk my boyfriend finding out.

Even though my boyfriend was boring, I still had feelings for him. Boye was different; he had the sparks and charisma. I enjoyed his lovemaking more than my boyfriend’s. I became confused. I felt bad about cheating on my boyfriend. To save my face; I picked a quarrel with my boyfriend and ended things with him. I needed to know if Boye was going to work. He was devastated. He begged and begged because it was such a minor thing. I moved on.

Boye and I continued our relationship and even though it looked like a fling, I eventually fell in love with him. We dated for almost a year and then he proposed. My joy knew no bounds as We got married about six months later. We were happy together and We had a daughter a year after our marriage.

All was well except that Boye was always suspicious of all my movements. He didn’t allow me to go out often. He screened my friends and monitored my calls. If he had to leave town, he would call me at intervals just to be sure I was home. I did catering and had to get a biker to help with deliveries because I couldn’t go out often.

One day after about six years of my marriage, my ex-boyfriend called me. I wondered how he got my number and why he was calling. He asked how I was and how my business was doing. I answered him coolly. He then told me he was engaged to be married but needed a caterer for his wedding cake and that a mutual friend had given him my number. I was relieved that it was a business call.

I agreed to make the cake and urged him to call me whenever he was ready. Perhaps I should I have told my husband, I don’t know but it seemed like a harmless thing. He called me months later to say he was ready but he resided in another town so he would come in briefly and lodge in a hotel to see me so we could discuss. I felt wary at first but he assured me that it was purely business.

On the day I was to meet him, I told my husband that I needed to see a client about a job. He was reluctant to let me go. I should have told him it was a hotel perhaps he would have stopped me or gone with me.

When I got to the hotel, I found my way to his room. He had told me he would be there with his fiancée so I didn’t feel anyhow. I knocked and went in. Fiancée wasn’t there. He said she had gone to drop off an item, I began to feel uncomfortable. He didn’t touch me but we spent time talking about the old times.

I apologized again for hurting him and he was cool about it. Then we discussed the wedding and the kind of cake he wanted. He paid me upfront and walked me to the lobby. There I came face to face with Boye. He called me a slut and every kind of name. I tried to explain that it was only business, he didn’t listen. He beat me and tore my top.

My ex tried to calm him but he brushed him aside. When I got home he put my things out of our room. I begged him that nothing happened but he didn’t believe me. The families got involved but it seemed his family believed him more.

We got divorced. I still blame myself till today. It’s just been over a year. I’m praying to God to vindicate me. My ex was sympathetic but said I should have told my husband everything before coming to see him.  He agreed that my Boye had trust issues. He had trailed me from the house or probably read my messages.

Ladies don’t put yourself in a situation that will make you look bad. Thanks.

13 COMMENTS

  1. firstly, dear poster, even if u are still in d marriage, how long will ds continue?? huh?
    abeg, lets call a spade a spade, ur husby dint trust u from d onset..bcos he knew u had a boifrend wen u were dating him.so he taught it will continue same way..why cant he give u room to talk wen he saw u in d hotel..pls,stop blaming ursef for ds.if u are still in dt marriage, u will neva have rest of mind. my own be say, God will vindicate u.. tanx.or beta still, move on.

  2. This is so pathetic but you should have told your hubby ahead.
    I believe there shouldn’t be secret in marriage

  3. How sad. All this trust issue started bcos of how they started. But really it was uncalled for. In a way l think she is better off bcos this trust issue who hav bèen with them till death n cud she handle that.i pray she finds love again. All the best

  4. Well I can’t blame him, and the truth is because of the way you guys relate while you are still in a relationship makes him think that you can still do the same thing to him

  5. Well the marriage wasn’t healthy for you in the first place. Always monitoring your movements besides meeting a client in a hotel room is wrong. He could rape you and that your ex I guess he is happy he has destroyed your marriage and got back at you for leaving him. Now he has license to see you as he pleases

  6. Must u meet in a hotel once one Is coming out from there since u are married the tag is always a wrong one u ended ur relationship once and ur husband knows u and he is scared of what might have conspired even though u didn’t do is hard to believe when there is no trust, I pray u fin comfort very soon but for that man he will always think that u betrayed him with same ex u formally betrayed

  7. It will quite difficult to get vindicated in such a scenario cos it will take a revelation from God to your husband before he will believe that you are innocent. The mistake u made was to agree to meet a client (ex or not) in his hotel room alone. You would have gone with someone in that case u will have a witness. Anyway,sorry about your divorce. Easy come…easy go….He knew how he got u,so he felt u could also fall for someone else that way.

  8. Yes you were wrong for not informing your husband about your ex and also meeting a client in a hotel room. Trust us earned not demanded. I pray that the husband comes to know the truth, and please be trust worthy the next time.

  9. Gbenga, This is so pathetic if truly your story is true. But the bitter truth is that even if it didn’t happen that way, the fact remain that the marriage cannot survive for lack of trust. The marriage will still eventually crashed. Pls you need a serious prayer, one day the truth will come into the open when God interven. All will be well.

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