Welcome to My divorce story number 37. People underestimate the place of the family as a determinant of character, behaviour and values. But the question should be that since the person the child sees to model behaviour are other family members, how then should a child behave? What is the role of the family in divorce? Can you predict if a marriage would end in divorce from family character and traits? I can confidently say yes to some extent. The extent being that it takes two to tango and a lot of times, it takes just one spouse who is willing enough, to make the marriage work.
One of the things that have fascinated me is repeat patterns in parent-child relationships. For example, studies have shown that female children from teen mothers or mothers who give birth out of wedlock are twice as likely to get pregnant as teens or have children out of wedlock than others. Same for abusive mums and abusive dads. I have seen the pattern repeated over and over that woman from nagging, headstrong mothers go on to do just the same to their husbands. It starts off with their mum teaching them some “independence” and how not to “allow any man to take advantage of them”. Unfortunately, what the child ends up learning are wrong relationship habits.
I have seen some women go through 3 marriages, I have seen homes where the girls all have had marital problems and yet they and their mother think that another party is wrong. Interestingly, I was interviewing a lady who knew what the problem was but seemed powerless to deal with it. She had been twice married, once near married, had a grown child out of wedlock and was having problems dealing with relationships all these while in her thirties. She later admitted to me that the problem was her mum. That this was a similar pattern to her mother’s relationships but she felt powerless from stopping herself destroying her relationships.
The divorce story of today follows this pattern. Honestly, Peterson should have sought out his father-in-law before marrying the daughter. He should have looked at the marriages of her siblings to understand that there was a pattern. It might have helped him deal with the issues that eventually came up. I believe that he could have helped his wife understand why she was the way she was. It wouldn’t have been easy but with counselling and therapy, she could have become a better person.
Issues like this surround insecurities and fears. The female might think nothing is wrong initially but in a moment of sanity, when she realises that all the females in her home are all husbandless stating from their mum, they would have a reality check and a wake-up call.
Please take time to read more of our older my divorce story. I take time to drop counselling nuggets in them to help you have a more fruitful and purposeful marriage. I believe that 90% of divorce cases can be avoided with foresight. Please make your comments, add your contributions and your thoughts and let’s have a conversation. you can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have questions or something to share.,
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My Divorce Story 37, Peterson, Like Mother, Like Daughter!!!
My name is Peterson and here is my divorce story. There’s a portion of the scriptures which talks about a woman pulling down her home with her own hands. Such was what happened in my home.
A friend of mine introduced Amara to me. He said she attended his church. I was about to be transferred to another state by my company so we only went out a few times before my transfer. She seemed homely. She was from a broken home. Her mother trained all five of her siblings alone. She was the youngest of them. I didn’t know much about her father as she never talked much about him.
Our relationship was long distance. We saw each other once a month when she came visiting. She would cook for me and tidy my house. She ensured that the drycleaners returned/collected my clothes for the period she was around. She also seemed romantic. She would go through my things to check I was seeing anyone else. It really didn’t bother me then because I felt the distance gave her right to. Her sisters and brother called me regularly and even before I proposed her mother called me her son in law.
Well, it didn’t take me long to propose to her. We had a lovely wedding ceremony. Then she moved with me to my station. It didn’t take long before her true colours showed. She was not the submissive type and she was controlling as well. She also depended on her mother and siblings for advice.
They were the worst people to seek advice from. Her two sisters were out of their husband’s houses. It didn’t occur to me that there might be a trend, maybe because I wasn’t the superstitious type.
Several incidents happened which I cannot even put down here. She never allowed visitors to stay at our home.
A sad incident was with my niece who came to stay with us because she wanted to write her university entry exams. Now my niece is well behaved and respectful which was the reason I allowed her to stay with me in the first instance. It was one complaint to another. She frustrated the girl until she had to leave home hours after the exams. My wife called her names like prostitute etc. she even said she suspected the girl wasn’t my niece but my lover. I was mad. My niece unhappily left.
My younger brother also came around for a few weeks. She would deliberately starve him and lock away all the foodstuffs in the house. Thus my brother could only eat in the evening when I returned. She insulted my mother on several occasions. I could never ask her to do something and she would do it.
One day I was expecting an elderly uncle of mine, I told her about his visit. I had to get to the office urgently, so he would have had to wait for me at home till I returned. I expected my wife to entertain him as I had instructed and kept him company until I returned. I came back hours later to meet my uncle under the rain, taking shelter at a nearby kiosk.
I ushered him into my car and he said he had been knocking at our door for over an hour and had decided to leave when the rain caught up with him. I was shocked and told him my wife was aware of his coming. He said it didn’t seem anyone was home. When I drove into the compound, I saw my wife peep from behind our bedroom curtains. Then and there I decided she would leave my house. She claimed she didn’t hear the knocks. We all knew it was a lie. So I apologized to my uncle and even cooked for him because my wife said she was too tired to make him anything.
I called her mother to report and tell her I was sending her daughter back. She screamed, insulted me and dared me.
I filed for a divorce and custody of our only child, a son. My ex has joined her sisters back with her mother. It made me wonder about her father. Perhaps her mother drove him nuts.
I’m not in a hurry to remarry even though it’s been five years.