Hello dear readers have you come across someone who is struggling in his marriage because he married an expensive wife? Or a divorce caused by finances? I remember early in my young life when our pastor advised a freind not to marry a lady because he couldn’t afford her. she was too just too expensive for him. The brother’s feelings were hurt but he listened to reason and several years later, thanked our pastor profusely for the advice.

People should recognize that there are levels in life. It is easier for a man to marry a woman below his financial level than for a man to marry a woman higher than his financial level. I will explain in a while before someone wants to eat me raw.

We watch all these Hollywood movies about the girls who married the son of the gardener but then, we realise that the reason why we don’t see so many of those example is that it is what it its … Nollywood. it is different when the gardener’s son goes to school, does well for himself and marries the woman because he can afford to take care of her.

Take a woman raised in a rich and wealthy home. There is a certain life she is used to and certain expectations she has. This would include the kind of schools the kids would attend, a certain standard of living etc.

Even if she steps down, there are certain pressures the man would have to go through. The sort of weeding they would have, the family functions they would have to attend. There would always be pressure on the man to perform and keep up with the rest of the family even if the woman wasn’t pressuring him.

Money/ financial incompatibility rate as the second highest cause of divorce. It should actually rate as number one because the number one- infidelity is also fueled by money issues. So money is quite important in marriage and people should known their financial levels. Don’t marry if you cannot cope. Either you find someone your level or wait till when you can handle her and her needs.

Well that is the dilemma that Ochuko found himself in and we relate his story here. As usual, I would like to have your perspective and you side of the matter. I started a new series on Tuesday. It deals with the other side of divorce. People who had every reason to leave but instead chose to stay. I thought it should be able to give us a more balanced perspective on the divorce debate and help even and balance things out.

you can reach out to me via my email ross.t@davinadiaries.com.

Much regards
Ross

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My Divorce Story 45, Ochuko: I Married Above My Level

Dear Ross T, I lost my wife to poverty, being broke led to divorce and cost me my marriage, and that’s putting it simply.

Ok, so here’s the thing. First if all, I made the mistake of marrying someone above my league. I mean, I love her but my love wasn’t enough for her, she wanted the very things I couldn’t afford.

I was under pressure to get settled and start a family because my younger brothers were married, my parents were wondering what was stopping me, being the elder one from doing same.

I wanted a happy and peaceful home. I met this lady, and after several months of being together, I decided to marry her.  She is a beauty to behold and I felt we loved each other enough to make the lifetime decision.

She knew I was broke but was ready to support me, my dreams and business, She was from a wealthy home and came from a comfortable background where she never lacked. We thought together we could build on what we have and be happy.

From the onset of the marriage, she was the one spending and I even borrowed money from her during our traditional wedding and couldn’t even pay back. That was the start of our issues.

Barely some months into our marriage, my wife packed her things and left the house while I was away. I got back from the day’s hustle to find out what she’s done and went in search of her at her parent’s. On getting there, I was given a cold welcome by my wife’s family who really didn’t support our marriage. I saw my wife and begged her to come back.

She refused, saying that she wasn’t used to the wretched life I wanted her to live and that being with me has yielded no good for her. After few times of going back to beg her, she finally yielded and came back home.

Days later, I noticed some changes in her. She would spend more time chatting and making calls on her phone to unknown persons and whenever I ask her who it was or point out the fact that she was neglecting her duties as a wife to me, she’d make an argument out of it and storm out of the house leaving me for days. Four good times, she did this. It was almost like she married me out of pity and would only come back after series of begging.

One time, she loaned me 700k to put in a business with hope that it would yield fruit. At , the same time she was pregnant and asked that we move to a more comfortable apartment which I wasn’t in support of as I couldn’t afford the rent of a bigger place.

Due to constant pressure from her, I eventually rented an apartment she approved of which cost 650k. All I had was the money she loaned me to start a business, so I used the money to pay the rent.

Then she put to bed and I had to borrow heavily to pay bills, housekeeping and even make her mum who came for omugwo comfortable during the period of her stay.

Even with all my efforts, my wife wasn’t pleased with me, she would nag and complain about any slight difficulty we had. She even accused me of sending her mum away by not giving her the comfort she was accustomed to.

Despite knowing my predicament, she would complain and would try to help manage the little I could provide. Every passing day with me was like a punishment to her. Having sex with me was a no go area for her. It was though I disgusted her. I begged to have sex with my wife and most times, she’d decline saying we were broke and sex shouldn’t be on my mind in that kind of situation.

We only had one child and it was as though our marriage was old and stale. I know she regretted marrying me, so I wasn’t surprised to find divorce papers in her possession one day while looking for something amongst her belongings.

I confronted her about it and wished I didn’t, she told me worst things anyone could say to a man. She referred to me as the biggest mistake of her life and a failure. I believed her. After all, what kind of man can’t even provide for his home. She eventually left me some months later taking my son with her and would only allow me see him when she pleases.

I know it would have been a different story if I were a rich dude with cash to splash. she is still unmarried and I know she loves me. I am working on myself and my business and things are going much better for me. I am hoping to be in a position to remarry her again.

What would I have done differently, I would have waited till I was financially better off or married someone else. Please don’t marry if you are not financially capable.

13 COMMENTS

  1. My dear focus on your life. Work hard and then earn more money then marry someone else worthy of ur love because your ex wife doesn’t deserve u at all. Going back to her will be a big mistake

  2. Hmm. So true. Some men shouldn’t allow greed or fear of losing the woman determine when they marry. Don’t marry if you’re not ready for it’s financial commitment, which is huge especially on the side of the man. To avoid frustrating yourself and your spouse, most especially the innocent child /children.

  3. The story is pathetic. The guy doesn’t know what he wants. I can imagine the kind of insults he got when he confronted the ex wife. Now that he is getting stable, he wants her to return?
    My opinion is that he should find a lady that’s ready to cope wit him through good n uneasy times. I know how it is to be broke. U will find life unbearable. Not his ex that had humiliated him.

  4. Why would the poster even want to go back to her,with all the things that happened, well maybe because you have a son with her.thank God things are beginning to take shape.

  5. I believe you have to first of all discover who you are. How do you see yourself? I mean in your mind. Do you see yourself as a poor man? Then you are, irrespective of what you have in your pocket. Believe in yourself and your dreams and don’t allow ANYONE tell you any different. And stay away from negative people! your ex especially. She didn’t believe in you and never will.

  6. Your wife’s love for wealth and it’s appurtenances is much stronger than whatever feelings she may harbor for you. She is not your soul mate and destiny partner. Let her be.

  7. This whole thing sounds like a woman frustrated. You knew the position you were in. Knew what you could and couldn’t afford but yet still took your head into the relationship. Your wife knew your position and was willing to help you and she did many times. But the problem is that you were not smart with her assistance. Has people advice women, is it all the money you borrow from her you must use at once. You can invest, start a business or even save for raining days. Must it be your wife that you must be borrowing money from? You were nit smart and quick with the little resources you were getting. Am sure if she was seeing the results of your “hardwork” she would have calmed and be your rock. But am sure you were doing more dreaming rather than more doing, which after a while from a man wanting to prove “I am the man of the house” “give me sex whenever i ask” can be frustrating and disappointing for her. Show her potential, results, consistency and possibilities and she would have said.
    So its not just you marrying up but the fact that you were not up and doing.

  8. Hmmmmmm, human relationship is difficult and unpredictable. Marriage is by far the mist complex relationship and while there are few guides to choosing a rightful partner, success in using these guides is sparing. Does money make for peaceful and successful marriage? I think the answer is a big NO. You need more than money. Love is also no magic for successful marriages because it wanes and when the bliss is gone reality sets in and the thin line between love and hate vanishes. So my brother, what then is the magic for a successful marriage? In my experience, it is a true understanding and commitment of the marital partnership by the couple. If any of the two has a plan to use the other to achieve any objective then it is more likely to fail than succeed. Africa nay Nigeria is a rudimentary society with few self made and successful families striving to maintain a family heritage. Many parents today marry at the basic level and grew into wealth either through patience or graft. My brother, look for a wife that will buy into your plan to raise your business, expand and grow it for the benefit of the family. A woman that will help you maintain a family heritage and not an access to cheap funds because fund raise is difficult. Look for a wife or husband that both of you understand that investments take time to mature and throw off returns and not overnight successes. If you love your wife, go back and talk to her, after you have achieved stability in the business let her understand that Dangote, Otedola had wealthy and influential backers but their many stories of wealthy business people that started small but cracked it with determination and courage. Tell her you want her to share with you in writing this story. Be frank let her know that the process may be painful and difficult the end result will be glorious and soul lifting. Good luck.

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