In Most divorce cases, both parties usually assume the position of the victim. It is almost always the other person’s fault. Rarely do you see one of the parties bearing responsibility for the marriage breakdown. It is usually always “my husband behaviours led to the divorce” or “My wife’s action was why we divorced”.
It is as such a breath of fresh air to get a story from Tolu where she at least bears some responsibility for the failure of her marriage. I would leave you to read and then I would come back and share my thoughts and opinions. I truly look forward to your comments and unique perspective as usual.
The whole idea of the divorce stories is to help us get better at our current marriages and relationships and having you share your opinions helps create better understandings. You can read past divorce stories and also past Hello Ross stories as well by clicking the blue words.
Divorce Story 79, My Tongue Killed My Marriage
I’m Tolu and I am a divorcee. I have been following the stories on your blog and so I decided to share mine. Hope it gets published.
I pushed my husband to divorce me and there’s nothing I can do about it. Even my family has kept mute after the whole fiasco. The thing about me is that when I get angry, I get very abusive.
My issues started in childhood. When I was in secondary school, I remember being so abusive that most of my classmates feared me. One or two of them got a dose of my sharp tongue and went home crying. It became my pride and I didn’t know how damaged I was until later in life.
My parents got separated when I was only four and they both remarried. My father’s new wife came in with two children from her earlier marriage and had two more children for him. I spent time shuttling between two homes. Growing up I felt unwanted and was often left to myself. Academically I did well, I won prize after prize in school. I practically loved my books; they were the only items that received unconditional love from me.
Denrele and Marriage
I met my ex Derenle, after several failed relationships. Most of my boyfriends could not stand my acidic tongue. I did try to change but I guess my pride was stronger.
Derenle came into my life and almost made me sane. He could handle my outbursts with maturity and so I fell in love with him. After about a year of dating, we tied the knot. My parents came together after so many years to support me; it was indeed the happiest day of my life.
Our marriage was fairly blissful. I still gave him a taste of my bad tongue whenever we had a misunderstanding but I quickly apologized later. He treated me well and supported me in every way he could. After trying for kids for a couple of years, we decided to see a doctor.
Path To Divorce
The doctor said I was fine but my husband had low sperm count and would need prolonged treatment before we could hope to have a child. It was bad news for us but we were hopeful. My husband began the treatment the following month.
One day we had a heated argument and in my anger, I called him a ‘sterile fool’. I have never seen the look I saw on his face that day. He looked so hurt and I could swear I saw tears form on his eyes. He asked me to leave his house and never return. I thought he would simmer down but the next day he left the house and I never heard from him until I got served divorce papers.
I begged him, I told my parents but they felt I went too far by saying that. They hoped he would forgive me but they didn’t want to get involved knowing my history. The last time I saw him was in court, he looked so lean and unhappy. He cited irreconcilable differences as the grounds for divorce.
I’m back on my own, back to square one. I need help and I hope my divorce story helps someone who is like me because I feel so rotten inside. Thank you
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A number of people could think that Derenle went too far in asking for a divorce. He should have just calmed down and forgiven her. But then, we need to also examine the dynamics in the relationship.
Tolu herself has accepted that she had an acerbic tongue. This same tongue and temper had served her badly in the past but she refused to rein it in. As she said, “it was a thing of Pride to her”. She had several warnings but refused to calm down.
Several times in her marriage, she also had the opportunity to get better but didn’t quite control herself. She kept letting her tongue take advantage of her until when it was too late. Something instructive is that even her parents weren’t on her side and didn’t want to get involved.
I believe that with Denrele, it was the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back”. She had just gone too far. So often, people with bad behaviour just run it over others, too often without remorse. They somehow think that because they were “damaged” during childhood, they have a right to make everyone else miserable. They continually chase everyone away and it becomes increasingly hard to love them.
As in the case of Tolu, they assume that an apology is all it takes to win back the other. The only thing is that they go again on it. People don’t realise that verbal abuse is similar to physical abuse and is actually similar to marital molestation. Just because it is the lady perpetuating it, people don’t know how bad it can be.
The issue in this divorce story as in all cases of molestation is that one day, the violator goes too far and the relationship cannot be salvaged.
The good thing is that Tolu accepts she needs help. I truly hope she can accept the help because it is one thing to know you need it and another to accept it.
I would advise that Tolu gets a professional counsellor immediately and start going through therapy. This would include anger management classes. When she has committed to the class, she can then reach out to Denrele as it is obvious they both love themselves. Sometime, during the counselling, she should invite Denrele to join her as they both need healing. This is about the only way I suggest a reconciliation.
The purpose of our divorce stories is to help improve your marriage and your relationship. I believe that by reading about how marriages fail, you would be able to make better judgements that would help your marriage. If you need counsel on a matter or want to share your divorce story, Please write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I promise the confidentiality of your mails and situations.