Today’s divorce story comes from Bose. We are dealing with a subject that is a bit familiar with most people, forced marriages. These are marriages where one of the parties feels forced into the marriage, usually due to an unexpected pregnancy.
This is a not too uncommon marriage mistake and a sure recipe for divorce. As usual, I look forward to your contributions. Your comments go a long way and add flavour to the discussion. You can check out other divorce stories or look through past Hello Ross articles for more illumination.
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Bose, Marriage By Force
Dear Ross T, my name is Bose and I’d like to share my divorce story. I and my husband Tayo had been dating for quite a long time before we got married. In the course of our long relationship, I took in a couple of times but aborted them because my partner said he wasn’t ready to start a family which I understood given his financial status back then.
We continued dating and after a while, I discovered I was pregnant again, we weren’t ready for a baby still so I reluctantly agreed to another abortion. The devastating part was that immediately after that, Tayo began to put up some nasty behaviors and our relationship became turbulent till he left me for someone else and I had to suffer the trauma of breakup.
A few weeks after Tayo and I split, I discovered the abortion drug I took wasn’t successful and that I was still pregnant. So I went to the hospital to have a D&C and was told that it could be dangerous to my own life as the baby was in a position that could not be aborted.
After I got the doctor’s verdict, I went back to my ex and told him what the doctor said, his elder brother who knew me was present when I broke the news to Tayo in tears. The elder brother got furious with my ex and declared that his brother must marry me.
This situation escalated into a family matter in which his parents had to wade into the situation and eventually they decided we had to get married. I had no choice but to go back to Tayo even after all that pain he caused me. It was the silliest mistake I’ve ever made.
Our marriage was never a sweet one. Tayo constantly reminded me of how I was forced on him and alleged I kept trying to tie him down with a baby until I succeeded. He would promise to make our home a living hell for me whenever we had a misunderstanding. I could tell he wanted me and perhaps the baby out of his life but I stayed, hoping that a day would come when he would grow up and stop acting like a baby.
Because he knew I’ve got really serious insecurity issues, whenever we fought (which was a lot by the way), he would insult me and call me ugly names. He would tell me that I’m the ugliest girl he’s ever been with, he would even insult me in front of his parents.
I remember one time during my pregnancy, he told them he wasn’t even sure the baby I’m carrying was his. He eventually got physical with our fights, he would strangle me during the period of nursing our child and when I reported him to his parents, he denied flatly that it never happened, that I was hallucinating.
I stopped feeling safe around him, and did all I could to protect myself and child from him. Still he would beat me up like a thief. The last time was when he hit me so hard for confronting him in public. I caught him with another lady at an exotic resort and when I asked who the lady was and how come he had money to frequent relaxation spots yet left no money at home to feed his child. He slapped me so hard before he then shoved me aside and didn’t even care that I was holding our 10-month-old baby.
That’s was the day I decided to leave. The humiliation was just too much to bear. It took days for my hearing ability to come back properly after that humiliating slap.
Even though I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do to survive with my child, I knew leaving him was the best decision for me at that moment. I took some valuable items of his with me and sold them in order to survive until I figured out my life.
The rest, as they say, is history. Today, I’m a single mum who owns her own cosmetics and skincare outlet and I’m happily dating again. I’m not sure where I want it to lead yet, I’m just glad to be alive for my son and enjoying the beauty of life. My ex and I haven’t been in contact since the day I left him.
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One of the worst things to do is to marry someone who doesn’t want you. It is a perfect recipe for marriage failure and divorce. I see situations where some women try to “trap” a man into marriage by getting pregnant for him. They usually think that somehow, the man would come around but the truth in practice is that it rarely happens.
Marriages that begin this way, start of troubled and are candidates for divorce. The man feels he was “trapped” into marriage and constantly ensures he reminds his partner of her “crime”. marriages like this usually end up being abusive, violent and unhealthy.
Pregnancy shouldn’t be an excuse or reason to get married. It is actually better to be a single mother than to get into an unloving relationship. Everyone including the kids would suffer. Domestic violence and abuse in any form should never be condoned. Walk away once it starts. A man who beats you once is more than likely to continue to abuse you.
Kudos to Bose. It might not have started well, but she eventually took the right decision and has set her life on a the right course. She should take her time, build up herself and her confidence and she should choose to date and marry on her terms. There are more than enough good men out there.
I hope this helps.