My Divorce Story 92: Sunday, 12 Years In The dark

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12 years of marriage and all I got was a divorce paper. I wasted years building a life and home with an ungrateful woman who called me impotent. My name is Sunday, I’m a 47-year-old businessman residing in Lagos.

The divorce came through two years ago. My wife and supposed mother of my child moved out of our matrimonial home and requested a divorce.

My wife and I had been married for 9 solid years before things started spiralling out of control. We met at a restaurant and I was taken in by her height and elegance. I just couldn’t resist walking up to her to strike a conversation.

The rest, as they say, is history. 3 years later, we said ‘I do’ and walked down the aisle. It was one of the happiest days of my life as I walked down the aisle. I thought this was forever. There was absolutely no thought that this was going to end in a divorce.
In fact, if anyone had mentioned the word “divorce” near me, I would have… Not sure now what I would have done but it surely was an unbelievable thought.

Marriage blues…

Doris was a good wife at first, supportive and kindhearted. Which was why I felt really sorry when she started beating herself up for not conceiving.  I for one wasn’t always around though. My business kept me on the road a lot. I think that contributed to the delay and tried explaining to Doris. However, Doris wouldn’t stop fretting and worrying.

I didn’t really take our inability to reproduce so seriously at first. As it was, I believed in God’s time and letting life take its preordained course. Unfortunately, my wife saw this as a lack of commitment to our marriage. Years on, she started questioning my fidelity to our marital vows and even suspected me of having a child elsewhere.

Right before my eyes, my marriage became a shadow of itself. I didn’t know how well to deal with it, so I sunk myself into work and business. Again,  my wife interpreted that to be neglect.

Pregnancy and fragile peace?

Reprieve came when she eventually got pregnant in the 9th year of our marriage and everyone was happy for us. Our beautiful daughter was born and life went on as usual but my wife was never the same. Despite having a child, we still argued and quarrelled over basic things, most of which I can’t even remember now.

My marriage became a battleground and my wife became toxic. It got to the point that I would look for any valid excuse not to go home.  At home, I started avoiding being anywhere around her. She had a way of pushing my patience to the limit. Often times, I was tempted to raise my hands against her.

Things grew from worse to worst when my wife began to embarrass me publicly and undermined my authority. During one of our quarrels, she questioned my ability as a man. She mockingly blurted out that I wasn’t the biological father of our daughter. She then called me impotent. That was just the height of it for me. That day, I raised my hands against her, an action I deeply regretted.

The fight…

The following day, I left the house to cool off for a while and to handle some business matters.  I came back the following week to discover that my wife had moved virtually everything in the house. The furniture, electronics, gas cooker, kitchen utensils and other valuable items.

In shock and livid with anger at the same time, I tried reaching her to no avail.  I called her immediate elder sister only to be shocked. The sister informed me rudely that my wife had relocated to their family house. She added that the marriage was over, she wanted a divorce. She ended by warning me not to bother coming to find her.

Choosing to ignore the sister, I decided to go to their house in search of my wife.

On reaching her family house, I found out that Doris had painted me as a monster to them. She asked that her bride price be returned to me. She told them she was no longer interested in the marriage and that I was impotent. I initially refused to accept that the marriage was over. However, hearing my wife label me an impotent questioned my legitimacy as our daughter’s father.

The divorce

Doris didn’t stop at that. She went on to tell anyone who cared to listen that I wasn’t faithful in our marriage. She also alleged that my concubines went as far as calling to insult her. The disrespect, embarrassment, betrayal was all too overwhelming to deal with. I was deeply hurt that it also began to affect my business. That was when I decided to let go and allow Doris to do as she pleased.

The court dissolved our marriage and we went our separate ways. She got custody of our only child. I was ordered to pay a monthly allowance for the child’s feeding. In addition,  I was also ordered to pay N200, 000 in damages. Doris claimed that she had been injured during our fight.

Am I Impotent?

And that was how I became a divorcee. Truth is, I haven’t had the courage to actually go check if I am indeed impotent. I also haven’t  I summoned the courage to carry out a DNA test on our daughter. I believe what I do not know cannot hurt or kill me.

My thoughts…

The bottom line of this divorce story is the erosion of trust. Sunday wasn’t guilty of the accusations. He was even oblivious of it all. Yet He had managed to get his wife convinced that he was guilty.

The mind is an interesting thing and it governs all you do. Once the mind has latched unto something, it becomes difficult to change it. I believe that Sunday could have done more to put his wife’s heart at rest. As he admits, he didn’t take her concerns seriously at first. Even when he did, I am not sure he did enough to allay her fears.

Eventually, his wife came to her conclusions and behaved accordingly. I can’t quite say if his wife cheated on him or not. Maybe she is just bluffing. At the same time, she could have truly cheated on him. There is no way of predicting what a vengeful mind can do. She might have felt a need to retaliate at perceived wrongs.

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My Advice…

First of all, Sunday should make up his mind about how he wants to approach the daughter. I am fully convinced that the daughter is biologically his. If she wasn’t, his ex would have produced enough evidence during the court case to prove otherwise. He wouldn’t at this stage be in the dark She would have blurted it out.

All the same, he needs to decide what he would do if he finds out that the child isn’t his. As far as I am concerned, you don’t need to be the biological parent to be a parent. He should accept her and move on.

I guess there is a mixture of terms here. Impotency refers to not being able to perform in bed. He doesn’t need to know if he is a performer or not. I believe what is being referred to here is his fertility. To sort that out, all he would need to do is to run a sperm count test

Time has a way of healing wounds and revealing truths. If he truly is innocent as he says, He might just get a reprieve from his wife. His is not entirely a lost cause.

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