My Divorce Story 93: Hawa, Abandoned After 15 Years!!

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divorce marriage

Hawa Ibrahim is my name and this is my divorce story. I’m a 43-year-old lady and 1 was married for 15years before my divorce. My breaking point came when I could no longer bear the marriage. The torture my husband subjected me to was too much. Eventually, I had to file for divorce

Olamide and I got married in 2001. The marriage made me move to Lagos from Ilorin where I used to live and work. The purpose of the movement was to join my husband. I secured a job in Lagos in no time and we were pretty much comfortable.

Things seemed so well at first. I aided Olumide in building his business while also building my career. As far as I was concerned, it was all about our family so I abandoned myself to my marriage. There was absolutely no thought of divorce. Everything was moving so well… or so I thought.

It was until our fourth year together that I started to get concerned about my inability to conceive. Although my husband seemed unfazed about it, I was greatly worried and visited a number of doctors who assured me I was ok to conceive.

Sex starved hawa

My frustration majorly was born out of the fact that my husband denied me of intimacy. I felt quite neglected. Several times, he wasn’t even around enough for us to act as a couple. He was always catching a flight to somewhere or staying back somewhere for one reason or another.

Before long, I could already count how many times we made love in a year. I just couldn’t understand the reason for his elusiveness. At a point, I became paranoid. I came to the conclusion that my husband didn’t want me to have a child. That for me had to be why he refused to sleep with me. We lived as strangers in the house: no intimacy, no relationship. I still thought though things would get better. Divorce was quite far from my mind.

Suddenly, in the sixth year of our marriage, my husband abandoned me completely in Lagos. He did not come home, neither did he send a word. I later began to hear that he got himself another wife in Abuja and she already had twin babies for him. At first, I was shocked. Things like this usually followed a divorce which wasn’t the case here as we were still married.

abandoned in marriage

Eventually, I got solid evidence of this and decided it was best to confront him. As soon as I could, I called him to ask but he denied at first. I then told him I had pictures and other evidence of his marriage to the other woman. The moment I said this, he hung up on me.

Weeks passed and my husband still did not come home. Neither did he check in with me or explain himself. When my family reached out to him, he fed them lies. He claimed that I had frustrated him into doing what he did.

It then dawned on me that my marriage had been over a long time ago. My husband just didn’t have the guts to tell me off to my face. We might as well have had a divorce or have been a divorced couple!!.

It was as if a veil had been taken off my eyes. looking through our five-bedroom duplex, I realised his things were fine. Apparently, he had moved his things out at a point without my knowledge. I was left all alone as he had relocated to Abuja.

Frustration and thoughts of divorce

After the realization settled in, I became really mad and frustrated. Here was a marriage I had given my all to. A man I had given my love and devotion. I had even helped him to build a successful business. All I had asked in return was his loyalty and love which I was denied at every point.

Where was I to begin from at over 40? How do I start rebuilding my life with someone else when I had given this marriage 15 good years of my life? Those were the questions I kept asking myself then. I initially thought of fighting him out. Going to Abuja and staying there. I knew he wanted a divorce but I wasn’t ready to give him one.

Finally, I accepted my fate and decided to move on with my life. I couldn’t bear sharing my husband with another woman. He wasn’t mine anyway, and he made that clear by breaking our vows. It wasn’t so much about the sharing ut the lies and the deception. I couldn’t trust him again.

The divorce

So, off to court, I went to seek a divorce. After months of battling in court, the union was dissolved and I was asked to keep the house in Lagos and paid some amount of money in rebuilding my life.

That was how I became a single woman again. I’m trying hard to not get bitter or acrimonious each day because I can’t seem to get past my ex-husband’s wrongs and move on.

My thoughts…

I do need your help dear readers on this one. Most divorce stories are very one-sided. The narrator paints themselves as saints and the other party as a villain. It is in only just a few cases that the narrator does agree to some wrongdoing. This divorce story falls into the former category.

I do agree that I have come across some hopeless case examples of men. At the same time, I have come to know that most men are uniformly balanced. Bottom line is that no man throws away or abandons a helpful woman for another. It is also most surprising when it is the husband that quietly ran away from home.

In almost all cases I hear of, the new wife comes and pushes the old one out. The most common is where the husband drives the wife out after she has helped in building his business. This case is just a bit strange.

I am not saying that Olumide is free of blame but there is more to this divorce story than meets the eye.

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My advice…

43 looks like a tough age to start all over again but it is neither the end of the world nor is it an impossible tax. People are getting married later and there are also several men that prefer older women.

Having said that, Hawa needs to do deep self-examination and ask hard questions. What really went wrong? Where could she possibly be at fault? It is necessary to ask these questions and deal with them now. If she doesn’t, she would get the same results in her relationships.

It is very easy to keep pointing everything as being Olumide’s fault. The issue is that Olumide has moved on and she is the one who needs to rebuild her life. Do I condone what Olumide did? Not at all. However, as a counsellor, I am able to see between the lines and know whom I should advise the most.

Warm regards
Ross.

2 COMMENTS

  1. The story of Hauwa seems strange, for a man to abandon a woman and moved in quietly with another is suspicious. It could also mean that self-guilt in the face of looking for a child forced Olumide into it.

    I have a similar story

    Ibrahim

  2. Am a living witness of what happened to Hawa, this is Africa, d quest for a child can lead a man to abandon n move in quietly with another.

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