Dear readers, by popular demand, we are starting this column dealing with Divorce, Widowhood and life after. We would be sharing life experiences, offering advice and dealing with questions. Please stay tuned.

Nneka kicks off our first life’s experience. Please read and make your comments below.

I’m Divorced. Don’t judge me. Listen.

I thought I knew what I wanted; a great good looking guy with a fantastic job.  Well, I got that and it sucked.

Buchi and I met at a party. I was fresh out of a relationship and I needed to unwind and get my groove back. So I was dancing, I wore this off the shoulder mini dress that had the men ogling and he came up to me.

“May I?” he asked indicating he wanted to dance with me. I smiled and agreed. He was tall, dark and handsome, every woman’s dream. We danced all night, it was perfect. Then he offered to take me home. We talked all the way; it seemed we had known each other for long. I fell in love that night. He worked in one of the big banks in the country. When I visited his apartment the first time, I began to dream of our future together. It was what I wanted my home to look like.

He met my parents six months later. They liked him and his parents liked me too. We hit the altar happily. I was so in love with him that I did not realize he was abusing me emotionally. Our courtship was smooth. We hardly had cause to quarrel for long. It was so rosy, I should have known.

and then it started…

He would stop talking to me for days if we had a misunderstanding. He stopped complimenting me. If I mistakenly put excess salt or pepper in the soup, he would abuse me and storm out. I would beg and beg and he would come back. He began to tell his mother things about me. We had been married for three years now and no child was forthcoming. One day I needed to make a call and had no airtime so I decided to use his phone. That was when I saw messages from his mother. She was asking when he would take another wife since the one he had was barren. Even more shocking was his response ‘I’m working on it.’

I had scheduled an appointment to see a doctor. I remember the fateful morning I went there and the tests I had to run. The doctor was kind and helpful. He told me when to come back, which was a day before I saw those horrible text messages. There was nothing wrong with me. The doctors said I was fine but requested I brought in my hubby to be tested too. I was thrilled about that. All I needed to do was break the news to him. I pretended not to have seen the messages. I told him about the test as requested by the doctor. He laughed and said he would not have the time.

To the world outside, we were the perfect couple but I suffered depression. I began to hate the sight of him. He started an affair with a lady in his office. She even came to our home twice pretending she was passing by and decided to drop in. I snooped and saw their messages to each other.  I still needed Buchi to run those tests. So I tried to be nice as much as I could. He refused to budge. I wondered what to do.

Then my chance came. One night he came home drunk and came for me. He wanted to rape me. I got a small bottle and worked on him. He had no idea what happened as he was totally wasted I was able to get samples of his semen and sent it to the doctor. The result was what I feared. He had a very low sperm count. Chances of having a child were close to nothing.

I quietly moved out the following day. I told my parents that it was for good. He didn’t know why I abruptly moved. He tried to get me to come back but I was done. I filed for a divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences.

He still doesn’t have a child and that is the short of my story. I had heard too many stories of women in similar situations like mine and I didn’t want to enter into all that drama at my young age as I am just 27years old. I would rather just start all over. And that is my Divorce story

Thank you.

108 COMMENTS

    • Why is it that whenever there is delay in CHILD bearing the woman is often blamed especially in Africa. Imagine d mother in law has already come to conclusion. This marriage could hv been saved if the guy had gone for d test. Men learn from this

  1. Unbelievable, I think your decision is hasten. He still luv you that is why he is looking for you. You shld have told him what the result of the test is and he just need to take some few drugs and balance up. Other people has worst problem and with maturity and God it was resolved. That other woman is just a transit in his life. Marriage is more serious than just experimention. Am not saying anyone shld endure abuse. Your decision to file for divorce is hasten. You have not exhausted all the options, that is my honest opinion.

    • Please look at the scenario here:
      1* her husband wants nothing to do with carrying out any tests b’cos he believes like every other naija man that he is clean.
      2* the mother in-law, who is supposed to be a mother figure to them both has already concluded she is barren and wants another wife.
      3* she got his semen to be tested without his consent, do you think if she made known the way she got the semen she would not be accused of being diabolical and most likely used it for “juju”?
      As much as we want to give advise, we should all look at the pro and cons of the situation from the part of both involved and also from the angle of our prevailing beliefs and customs.
      Though l would have preferred her telling her husband to first carry out the tests as conditions before moving back home and if that didn’t work, then she can move on with her life.

    • You can only render help to people who needs help, from my own understanding the husband knew that he has problem but doesn’t want solution to his problem meaning that he doesn’t want his wife’s help

  2. Hail ur courage girl. U did d right thing joor. Otherwise hw wld u hv explained d sample u collected n sent to d doc.

  3. No one have the right to blame you. Na you get your life. Though we are not privy to your ex husband side of the story. Just move with your life but be very sincere with your self. All the best

  4. Men should learn not to assume innocent when it comes to infertility. But in your case his attitude has killed your love for him and his blunt refusal to see the doctor didn’t help matter,but with the secret preknowlegde of his mothers ignorant stand you would have spill the milk,I believe it would have be game changer,I have seen it happened before. Except when life is in danger,God frown at divorce.

    • Yes, l totally agree that God frowns at divorce, but why do people never complete the statement?
      God frowns at divorce but permits it on the basis of adultery!
      Isn’t it? Or is my own Bible version written differently?

  5. One cannot blame you for your decision . However , low sperm count ‘ is not a death sentence ‘ the way you’ ve taken it . I do know that his low sperm count does not preclude him from impregnating a woman . More so , there are medical remedial measures to shore up his sperm count . So , don’t be surprised if you learn that he has eventually impregnated a woman .

  6. Decision hasty. How is she sure the next relationship, if ever, will be as good as the one she initiated the move to walk out of. Foundation of the marriage not grounded in faith in God. With Him all things are possible. It is still not late to make amends.

  7. Decision, hasty. How is she sure the next relationship, if ever, will be as good as the one she initiated the move and walked out of. Phone story, premeditated. Must you read messages where you just wanted to make call. Well, got what you wanted. Foundation of the marriage not grounded in faith in God. With Him all things are possible. It is still not late to make amends.

  8. After spending a huge amount of money on wedding an other material things, don’t u know that marriage is better for worst . U ar wrong for leaving him,u should have confirm in him. It is his reply that will tells you the next action to take. So blame u for that.beside I thought you want material things and that is what u got .so my friend don’t posts such a trash next time.

    • @Nancy Real .. Pls take ur time to read her story again …by d time u read over and over again u would understand better .. Do u think it would be easy for her to tell him about a test he was not aware of how the sample was taken? .. Do u think he will believe her ? .. ….

  9. U would have shown him the result,,,, and get his response,,,,, if no solution then take the result to his mother ,,,, no matter her intension of getting her son another woman,,,,, secondly u Hv to be spiritual ,,,, (a praying woman) nothing is impossible with God,,,,,, Divorce is not the best,,,,,,

  10. I felt you moved too fast. Although it hurts being the one to be castigated for another’s fault.
    You are still young, true but you never know who’s next eventually when you decide to restart your life. I believe you were to fast to move in, you never got the time to properly learn to know him before you jumped the broom. That’s why it ended the way it did.
    All the best though

  11. My dear, u did the right thing. I understand theEmotional abuse, betrayal, backbittting. People talk about the marriage. Where would the marriage be if it happen to be you.definitely he will still push you out. He has low sperm count, he cheats, he bring women into the home, he cant give u a child,he abuses you emotionally and people expect u to stay and endure his rubbish. Propably he might find out he has low sperm count after getting married to a second wife, if she is lucky he might give her a child after wasting your time. Nne, you took a good decision if not that man and his selfish mum will destroy your future.

  12. There are worst cases in many marriages than low speed count yet they fine ways to live up to 41,50,60 and many years in marriage.
    Me I don’t support domestic violence or emotional abuse, size what was the foundation of the marriage, for me foundation matters.
    Life is a choice.

  13. Marriage is for better and for worst. What is paramount here is that he had no affection for you in spite of your love. God do work on low sperm count. But if there is no love and affection in marriage, my dear its better to quit, he was not your own except that you were deceived by his outward appearance and affluence. Don’t worry dear, stay in God. He will sure give you a man of your dream but be careful not to make the same mistake.

  14. You file for a divorce? You’re a woman of your own ,you Snoop’s on him took his life sample unknown to him you did not love him after all no one had the right to judge hope you’re happy with your life now best of luck

  15. The way divorce happens these days you wl think many a couple do not have the understanding of what marriage is all about… We take with a pinch of salt the gravity of vows we take before God and man.. So very unfortunate. When we don’t plan and pray to succeed in marriage, we succeed to fail the marriage. You can work out the issue of his low sperm count.. Give time, time.. God can do anything.. How are you sure the next relationship you’ll enter into won’t have challenges? We can’t be smarter than God. Let’s learn to pray and commit everything to God..

    • Yea …it is good to pray. .. But don’t u think the woman should av a breathing space …. Depression is a serious psychiatric problem once u r in u r in niyen … Me I think she should leave ,get her brain settled and think of what next to do

    • Blessing Ogoyen Jonathan, I understand you mydear, but most times we reason it our way… Marriage is a commitment and we need God to stay thru. By strength shall no man prevail. Having a space isn’t bad, but quitting the marriage is going contrary to God’s word intentionally…

  16. You’re not to be blamed for what happened, himself and his mum are behind it all. If love existed, you would have fought with him to the end and with God everything is possible but he pushed you into leaving him. I wish you the best and pray you find true love.

  17. All these people talking trash be patient my foot is it not when he is good to you that you will be patient? If it is a woman with no womb it will be a different story please when you want to comment put ur self in that person’s shoe before saying rubbish

  18. Tired of all this divorce diaries

    If a bad marriage ends .. It is well worth celebrating

    An escape is always better than being trapped.
    When you’re better of , it calls for a Thanksgiving..
    Let’s not make divorce stories sound like a VICTIM case

    It is a VICTORY case

    • My brother what do you expect from the women of this generation? Our grandfathers are really blessed to have the kind of wives they got but this generational women are nothing but a time BOMB! Just read through their comments then you will agree with my opinion.

  19. All of you talking with being a patient be acting like you didn’t see the emotional abuse part.. I am not an advocate of divorce but you wanna talk, at least be objective and reasonable

  20. My dear sister, you were hasty in your decision. Well i won’t blame you because you are not a Born again Christian. God says He hates separation/divorce. The Doctors report says ‘low on sperm’. If you have waited a little longer on God prayerfully , God would have intervened. There is no marriage without crises. There are women who caught their husband on another woman even on their matrimonial bed and they are still together. The strange woman was on a transit, you are the owner of your husband, but you left your home in a haste for strange women to feast on him and destroy him. There is still time for you to return if you change your mind.. God bless your

    • Wonderful advice ba?why are some men biased in relationship issues.if this table is turned around,would you say the same.know it today there is nothing as painful to a woman as being childless especially when the husband is not supportive,and to worsen it,the mother in law who should help is fanning the embers of separation.so the husband and the mother are now both innocent and the woman to be blamed?pray you do not or your daughter do not get to such situation,then we can see the wonders you will do.i do not encourage divorce in any way but for a man to refuse going to hospital is very wrong.ill simply speak to my family and then the church cos I know my Catholic Church cannot tolerate such nonsense.for better for worse doesn’t mean a partner should be unnecessarily wicked.you can only talk of for better for worse if he submitted himself for test then you guys can put heads together and work things out

  21. hmmmmm there seems to be a lot of misinterpretation of her story. First of all, she suffered emotional and physical abuse at the hands of her ex and his family. His mum was already planning another wife for him and she was being treated as an outcast who couldn’t give birth. Rather than her husband to support her, he was flowing with his mum. Also, as you could see, not only was he having extra marital affairs, he didn’t care to hide them from her. His women were coming over to the house. While I don’t condone divorces, I think he ex went too far. He obviously wanted her out of the house. Davina

  22. Hmm. Despite its a one sided story, there are holes in the above. Firstly, you proved that you are good at prying on his phone (pls issue of access to lovers privacy is another subject matter), and that created fears in your mind. Even before your so called ‘worked’ on him, you already have the results. The said ‘worked’ was fabricated because we are men and he could not be dead drunk that he drove home himself, except of course, you induced him. Glad when the results was low sperm count, for a man you once cherished, that was enough to bring it to his notice. You are hardened which is not ordinarily good for a home that must stand all odds. Be bold to furnish us with an update in 5 years time, if your replacement gave him kids and happy home! Best of luck

  23. Nnem get him before he gets you.. Period!! All these people criticizing her so she should have waited for this man to throw her out of the house before she acts? Nne you made the right decision

  24. My dear u suppose to show him the result in marriage 80% of infertility is from men but there wife still Leave with them and nowadays there are many ways of treating infertility so in aspects of that u don’t need to work away because marriage need patient and prayerful woman some women are passing this type of problem but u may not know some are doing iui; ivf ; icsi or adoption and they are living in peace

  25. A man that discusess his marital issues with his mother or parents and brings a mistress to his Home is NOT just ABSOLUTELY immature but VERY insensitive in nature.

    This is d VERY reason we should marry our friend as a wife or husband.
    Guys let’s handle our marital issues with utmost privacy and respect cos releasing vital infos to our parents makes us an infant and someone who is NOT ready to control or handle his home.

    To mothers and parents that attack their daughter in-laws on the issue of infertility,they should NOT forget infertility can manifest from either of d couple and in MOST cases it’s from men which we always FAIL to realize due to improper treatment of STDs and intake of some stuffs which damages our cells.

  26. Some men here are fast to conclude she did de wrong thing..forgetting the fact dat de man is a cheat..and would hav gotten himself a new wife if tws de woman’s fault..dats not fair atall..I wil do de same if am in her shoe..to think dat his girlfriend will even come to our matrimonial home..pretending nawoo

  27. For divorcing spouse is not right atoll, you would have showed him d result first before taking decision’s, because low sperm count can be treated nowadays so it can not cause divorce,so if truly u love him go back and ask for forgiveness, and pray for God’s direction

  28. She collected the sperm samples in the night, sent it to the doctor in the morning, that’s likely over 6-8hrs interval between collection and analysis… Assuming the hospital analyzed it immediately she brought it in. At best, practically all the sperm cells in a NORMAL sample would be dead within 3hrs of collection. How then does she determine that truly her ex had low sperm count. I didn’t live the story, so I may not be able to judge. But she could have tried marriage counseling and behavioral therapy for her spouse even if it was going to be in a religious setting. She could have shown him the test results and then scare him into going for a repeat test himself. No man wants to hear that he’s sterile or near-sterile. And then treatments would have been undertaken.
    I just feel things could have been salvaged with a bit of effort. It might have taken time, but it’s possible it would have been worth the effort in the long run.

  29. What do you expect from the women of this generation uh? Our grandfathers are really blessed to have the kind of wives they got but this generational women are nothing but a time BOMB! Just read through their comments then you will agree with my opinion.

  30. You re lucky you got out early. He is bringing his mistress to your home sharing the little sperm he don’t have.girl thank your God u re strong enough to run early. So many women re weak and is a pity.

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