So today, I want to take a break from adaptability and touch on desirability. Remember that so far, I have only been introducing the qualities. We haven’t gone deep yet. I went a bit deeper with adaptability part one which is ‘Potential’ but I haven’t touched adaptability part 2 which is ‘Age.’ When we come back to adaptability, I’ll deal with personality types and their suitability for marriage.
So we have the judgmental ladies, the self righteous ladies, the “I have trust issues ladies”, the ” I too know ladies” the “holy holy”. Notice that I am dealing with negatives here. After all, the whole point of these articles is to help you find bearing and be available for the man to find you.
What is desirability? Period, it is the question “why do you want to marry?”
Truly, at this point, I want to ask you the question – why do you want to marry? Have you ever thought deeply about that question? Have you asked the question and ruminated over it? The answer to that question has deeper impact on your life than you could ever think.
Let’s examine some of the different reasons people want to get married.
1. Everyone expects me to marry also known as “fulfill all righteousness”.
Society unconsciously and sublimely pushes the information that good girls marry. It is everywhere. Somehow if a lady is not married at a certain age, it is assumed that something must be wrong with her or she is missing out on her life. It is like good girls marry, bad girls don’t. From an early age, mothers start programming the girl for marriage. How she should be a good girl, run the house blah, blah blah. Soon, the mother starts to look for the boy friends and men in her daughter’s house. Soon, she starts talking about grandchildren… It is like one continuous pressure stream.
Bedtime stories, sitcoms, movies, biographies all portray a perfect woman as the one who finds her prince and settles down, giving birth to kids. The imperfect woman ends up as the stepmother marrying someone else’s husband or as a lonely witch at old age without a man.
The truth is that 80% of a woman’s desire to marry comes from sublimal programming. Layers and layers of societal correctness creating a need to conform and not be the odd person in society.
At the end of the day, the lady feels it is a duty to marry. It is an expectation to marry. There is something wrong if I don’t get married. What are you bringing to the table, what value are you adding? Those don’t matter. Important thing is that I must be married, period!
2. Escape from home.
The lady is just tired of the pressures of home. Over demanding father or mother. Non-performing parents. Parental abuse or neglect. Mental torture from home. Marriage becomes an escape route. A means to an end. Too many times, the lady isn’t even aware that she is facing this pressure or that this is the pressure influencing her desire. She just wants to leave home. As far as she is concerned, anywhere would be better especially since she would be the madam of the house. Love doesn’t come into the equation neither does compatibility. Not much thought goes into this. I just want to marry!
There is an anxiety created by this situation. The lady wants to marry just anyone as long as she is able to escape. Too many times, the guys are able to sense the desperado from the lady and it becomes a turn off. It is not so much that the lady is easy to get but the guy seems to sense that there is much more to it than the lady is showing. He senses that the lady is not genuine but he can’t place his finger on what is wrong. Too often, you find the guy suddenly breaking off the relationship with no tangible explanation. He can’t find a true genuine fault but his inner senses tell him to run.
3. ‘Bodi no be firewood’ also known as desire to express one’s sexuality.
So the lady finds herself with a heightened sense of sexuality. She loves sex, likes to be touched, caressed, likes cuddling up to a man, feels a need to be desired. She doesn’t want any of the societal labelings that come with jumping from one man to the other and believes that she can fulfill or meet this need in marriage.
Too often, the myth is created of the man being the one with heightened sexual needs. The woman is docile and only meets what the man wants. Sexually adventurous women are whores or bad girls, etc. So society has this idea that the man would always cheat but the lady…. Oh, all she does is watch telemundo. Maybe we should stop and ask the question, who does the man cheat with? Other men or women? Ah! Ha! If as long as the man is willing to cheat he has enough companions willing to flow with him, then it means that sexuality is both for men and women.
You Are Reading: So you want to marry? Part 6
Unfortunately sometimes, the wrong signal is sent to men by this lovely single lady who hasn’t learnt how to manage her sexuality. Societal sophistication comes to play here. In certain societies, she is seen as an easy lay and the man would continue to question her suitability as a wife.
Bola used to be in a relationship with Ade. Sex with Ade was missionary. Girl lies on her back, man comes on top, grunts for a while and then it is over. Since he was her first and only till then, it was fine but she felt she needed more. Somewhere along the line, they broke after she had to relocate out of town. Six months later, she met Tonye. The first night of sex for her was like she was going to run out of her body. He awakened her in places she never knew existed. Sadly though, the relationship ended with Tonye getting born again. A year after, she ran into Ade and they drifted back into a relationship. On their first day of sex, she tried the “tricks” she had learnt from Tonye on a very unimpressed Ade who insisted on his tried and true missionary method. He later took time to tell her that if he wanted someone jumping up and down in bed, he could as well have found a boy to have sex with.
The lady wants someone she can be with. Gist with, grow old with. Maybe she is afraid of growing old alone, having seen all the women who were alone in their old age. She equates marriage as a longterm boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Her idea of marriage is from watching yoruba movies or old re-runs of the Cosby show where husbands and wives are stuck together with super glue or are like snail and shell.
The man must always be available, he must remember every birthday, “the day we met day”, “the day you fell down day” and he must celebrate with gifts. They should wear “and co”, eat from same plate each time they eat. There must be an endless stream of eating out, movie watching etc. She must see the guy everyday or at least talk to him. Weekends must be spent in his house. If she doesn’t hear or see him in a day, it is war. At the end of the day, she suffocates the man with love. She can’t understand why the guys keep running away when she gives them so much love.
5. Provision a.k.a Bank.
The lady wants a provider. The man who would give her all the things her parents never gave her or continue to give her the things her parents gave her. So the guys are perpetually evaluated on the basis of their bank account and personal worth. “Oh, he must have a car before I can think him suitable”. “He must work in an oil company, multinational or bank”. “He must be able to afford me”.
She forgets that the guy too is evaluating her. He is looking at her suitability for his future. They see a grabber who wants only their money and what they can provide. So when the suitable men come, they use her for want they want at that moment and move on to marriageable woman.
I need to stop here. We will deal with more reasons in the next articles and help you find true reasons for marriage.
As a takeaway, you must realize that marriage should be between two people who have come from the state of dependency, through independency and finally are now at co-dependence. A man would run from a lady still at the state of dependency as it is too much work. A lady in the state of independency doesn’t need a man and constantly shows red light. A lady in the state of co-dependency has identified a need in her life. She wants a companion and shows off the signal.
Co-dependency is like a mating call. Go look at animals in the wild… How do the males suddenly know that the woman is ready? How do they know the female wouldn’t attack when approached, there is something called genetic coding that makes this possible. We will deal with this in next article.