Hi, thanks for the comments and emails. Thanks also for following these articles. I have gotten several feedbacks already as ladies have been identifying themselves in the articles. Several have been able to find where they are at and began applying the needed changes.

In this article, I would take on the quality of adaptability. Now, no one quality is stronger or more desirable than the other. They are all required.

Let’s look at the dictionary meaning of Adaptability:

“able to change or be changed in order to fit or work better in some situation or for some purpose: able to adapt or be adapted”

Click Here To Read: So you want to Marry? Part One

So you want to marry? Part Three

Gbenga had been trying to get into a relationship with Dami for over two years. Each time he came to her, Dami turned him away saying he wasn’t her type. Gbenga was just a few years out of university. He had great potential but wasn’t there yet. Dami would laugh at Gbenga’s nerve to come propose to her. She would tell him how they were not in the same class. Her eyes were set elsewhere on some brothers who seemed to have better potentials.  Tolu liked Gbenga and recognized the potentials in him. When Dami turned him aside, she married him. Incidentally, Tolu came from a wealthier background that Dami.

20 years later, Gbenga is a wealthy rich guy with business in Nigeria and abroad. His 3 kids all school in one of the best schools in the USA and there are few pleasures of life he can’t afford. Dami meanwhile is still unmarried. Having turned away all the guys who seemed not to have potentials, the “potentialled” ones only used her and walked away.

Chisom liked Timothy. He was a nice guy, he made her laugh and she knew she would have a good life with him. The problem was that Timothy was 3 years younger than her. He wasn’t even her younger brother’s age mate.

All her friends laughed at her as they thought that the idea was ridiculous. How could she marry such a young boy? Some said it was better to remain unmarried than marry a man younger. Some even said that marrying a man their age was bad enough not to talk of marrying a man younger. Her pastor was practically the only person who counseled her on marrying Timothy. 15 years later, their marriage is going on strong. They have 2 lovely kids, she and Timothy are doing very well and some of those friends still haven’t married.

The above two cases are the majority of adaptability issues that face unmarried women. They are several but the two main ones that have hindered many a women from marrying is inability to see potential in the man or inability to look beyond the man’s age. How can I marry a man 10 years older than me? Or how can I marry a man younger than me?

You Are Reading: So you want to marry? Part Three

so you want to marry 3

Potential

Several ladies grew up reading “Mills and boon” or several romance novels where Prince Charming was always one rich guy. From watching television or wrong information, they assume that the guy who would sweep them away into marriage must already have it made.

For some women, the minimum requirement is a nice car, a good job and a nice house. This is all good but we need to define this a bit more. One of the things that used to baffle me as a pastor is that whenever I asked people who wanted to marry to stand up, I would get an equal number of men and women standing up. The question I always would ask is how come the women can’t see the men and vice versa.

What I would hear from the sisters is that the men aren’t ready and what I would hear from the brothers is that the women’s eyes are too high. When I ask the ladies what they meant by the brothers are not ready, they say the brothers are not mature. When I ask what they mean by maturity, it almost always boils down to a job, a house etc.

This is all good in a way. From our ancestral coding, the woman is the homemaker and the man brings in the meat. She must have the assurance that the man would bring in enough food to feed her and the children before she settles down with him. However, how can she spot that the man of today would be the great warrior of tomorrow?

A woman must be able to recognize potential in her man at an early age and help the man to achieve his vision. That is why the woman is called the helpmate – helper meet for the task.

Ngozi liked bob. She however realized that he wasn’t there yet in terms of marriage. She liked his dreams and aspirations but he really didn’t have anyone to help.  She bought him a good suit, cleaned him up and helped him get a good job. Soon enough he had enough money to be the man of the home. Today they are married with lovely kids and doing well.

Jason was the first guy that Nina had ever dated. She dated him from her first year at the university and after. Her dad had died earlier and left her some money. She took part of this money and invested in Jason’s future. 2/3 of the money of the first car that Jason bought came from her. For the first 3 years after school, Jason could only get low paying jobs. During that time, several suitors came her way but she stuck with him. Many people asked her what she was still doing with him. Four years after she left school he got a good and well-paying job and they were able to get married after seven years of dating. Today they own 2 houses and live in a choice area of Lagos.

Many women would tell me how they have heard stories of women who were abandoned by men after several years of investment. I tell them that those stories are in the minority. There are more stories of men who stuck with their women than the other way round. After all men too have their stories of women who left them for a richer man.

You just have to have faith and believe it would work out well. Marriage itself is based on faith.

We would look at adaptability again in our next discourse. The article is already getting too long and I have to end it here.

Cheers and we talk later.

You Have Been Reading: So you want to marry? Part Three

Click Here To Read: So you want to Marry? Part One

Click Here To Read: So you want to Marry? Part Two

 

57 COMMENTS

  1. Comment:I’m a lady in my thirties, I was in a relationship with a guy I neva knew he already has 2 kids. We were planning to get married b4 it was known, I hv to cut off the marriage plans and ever since then, I find it difficult to fall in love again. I need ur advice cos dere’s pressure of getting married on me but I haven’t met anyone I love yet since d incident.

    • Hi Kemi,

      You did a wise thing to cut off the marriage plans. A marriage based on deceit is not the best.

      You should however open your heart and allow someone else in. Just because one man or even two hurt you before is not enough to pass judgement on all men.

      Marriage is good and desirable but truly you shouldn’t really marry a man because you love him. After marrying him, then you love him.

      Ross P.

      • Thanks Davina, For the series on yu want to marry 3, so on point. A question about one of yur response “saying yu don’t fall in love before marriage, yu do fall in love after marriage” I need a bit of clarification on the statement,
        Thanks .

  2. I’m in ma late twenties, n I’m in a relationship wit dis a guy dat has a child, though he tells me everything that happens btw himself n child’s muda. A times i feel i shld breakup with him, i also noticed i cnt stay without him cos i luv him so much.pls i need ur advice. Thnx

    • Hi,

      I don’t have enough information to go with from what you have told me.
      I don’t know if he is still in touch with the child’s mother. Also has he communicated the clear plans for the mother and child?

      These plans have to be defined before you can both continue. Why do you feel like breaking up with him?

      Anyway his relationship is not healthy. When you find you can’t stay away and you are not married to him, it is not a healthy relationship. I advice you come out of it.

      Ross P.

  3. I have been in a rltnshp for four years now and the guy cares alot abt me but his parents dont want to hear my name talk more of seeing me just becos im from another state(but the same tribe)..I dont know if im building castles in the air by sticking to the guy,waiting 4 him as he has asked me to..he needs hs dad to stabilise in business and howfar he has gone now in business is bcos hs bin pretending to his folks that we are no longer together..pls help me,am I doing the ryt thing by waiting for him, will his family ever accept me?

    • Hi,

      You are indeed playing a game of Russian roulette that might likely backfire big time.

      If he needs his dad to stabilize in business, he will need his dad to continue in the business.

      If your guy can’t make a stand and make his family know where he stands with you now, I am not so sure he would ever do it. I seriously think the guy is making up excuses.

      If he had said that he is giving his parents time to come round to the idea of marrying you, that is better understood. But to say he is deceiving them so that you can both be together later is deceit in itself.

      My advice would be that you find another man.

      Warm regards

  4. I am a lady in my thirties and presently into a relationship with this guy of almost of same age. He is a graduate but since he graduated he has not find job. He has been staying and helping to manage one of the company of his elder sister husband. the pressure for marriage has been and is still surfacing but any time I talk to him about it his response will be that is it because he has no job, no house and the viz. and that I should be patient. am frustrated and have lost all hope and patient. please I need your advice

    • Hi Chioma,

      I believe that if he is managing one of companies of his elder sister’s husband, it means he has a job. I believe the issue here is that he is not being paid as much as he wants to be paid.

      What skills does he possess? Maybe he should start his own business rather than look for a job. I believe there are many needs to meet in Nigeria. Meeting those needs would create a job for him and others.

      How long have you guys been in the relationship?

      What do you currently do?

      Warm regards

      Ross

  5. Hi, an in my early twenties, I am in a relationship with a guy that is 6years older than me, he graduated two years ago and is still looking for job. We started dating 5months ago, but we have been having issues because he has been demanding for Sex. I am willing to be with him till he gets a good job, but the issue of this sex is disheartening bcus I dnt think he should be making issues out of it. Recently I agreed to do it, but again my mind is still not in agreement with it. Although am not a virgin, but he stays away from me the 2times he asked for it. I dont know what to do plssss.

    • My dear. Plz do not mk the mistake of giving in. The marriage bed should be undefiled. Tk your stand. If he can’t stay, let him go. The one God has prepared for you will come. God bless you.

    • Hi,

      Seriously avoid giving in to sex before marriage.
      If the guy wants you that badly, he should marry you.

      If he doesn’t have enough discipline to stay off, there would be trust issues later on.

      What if you get pregnant? Is he ready to be a father?

      Ross

  6. You should know the answer yourself.Most people. Know the right thing to do but will still keep on pushing along and giving excuses for it.A man that gets angry and leaves you for a while just because of sex is not a Godly man at all,cos all he wants from you is sex and after he has gotten it,his interests in you will vanish.Be wise dear,don’t be in a relationship just because you don’t want to be lonely,its dangerous,you won’t make the right decisions.You will make good excuses for the wrong things that should be thrown out.Leave that man/guy,he doesn’t love you,he doesn’t respect you either or ur decisions.If he does,he will respect your decisions on staying without sex and wait till you are ready or best,till you get married.God bless!!

  7. I am a girl of twenty seven , am in a relationship for two year now the guy has no job for now but he is a master degree holder and about to further for his PhD .I love him and he loves me too but the problem is he has no job and we don’t know how to start I need an advice should I wait for me or not?

    • Hi Fortune,

      Love is not enough to make a marriage work. So loving him and vice versa is not enough.

      Having said that, you are still young. I believe you should still give him time to come around. It is obvious he is on a path of self improvement.

      Warm regards

      Ross

  8. Thanks for this write-up, my problem is that married men are attached to me. I get more offers from the married ones than the single. I don’t have any plans for being the second wife. Help, how do I attract single men?

    • Hi Olamide,

      There is a reason you attract more married men.
      You would need to work on that.

      I would write an article on that soon.

      Finish and practice the things we discuss in these articles. I am sure as you do so, you would have a number of single men come your way.

      Warm regards.

      Ross

  9. Gud day!! Pls what will you advice a guy and lady that has conviction that will marry each other but the issue now is that the lady parent went to see a pastor the pastor told them the guy is a gud guy, God fearing, a giver… Etc but after they might give birth to 2 or 3 children that the guy will change and they will fight and separate…

    And the guy parent went to see a pastor, the pastor said the marriage will be fine that they will never separate but the lady she be careful of what she will be telling friend..

    the guy told the lady that they should see each other to discuss but she did not agree, she said its over……

    • Hi,

      Very interesting.
      The only person that has the authority of over the guy and girl is their pastor not their parent’s pastor.

      What informed the decision by the parents to go see a pastor? How come the visits to the various pastors have become an issue?

      Some negative seeds have however been sown and I would encourage them to go their separate ways. If they don’t, the words would hunt them in the future.

      Warm regards

      Ross

  10. Comment:Hi, i must say I love this guide and comments. they gave me the courage to talks about my problem. Have been dating this guy for almost a year, we’ve not seen or heard each other’s voice (facebook dating). there is always a reason why we can’t meet and recently he said he wants to marry his baby mama but til loves me. wat should I do?

    • Hi,

      My advice is if is possible, find an extra pair of legs. Add to the two you already have and run away as fast and as far away from him as you can.

      Warm regards

      Ross

  11. Comment: Pls,what shud a lady do abt a relationship she finally decided to give a chance to start after abt a decade of saying “no”,becos d first time he asked and she prayed abt it, she lost her peace. But d guy kept coming back asking her to marry him that she is d one. All these years he kept wanting a relationship with her,she had resistance frm within her not to yield,until ds yr when she decided to give him a chance cos she didn’t feel that resistance within at dat time and took it as a sign to go ahead (though they r separated by distance,so its a long distance relationship which she dislikes). Then d relationship starts and issues begin…. She notes dat since she’s known him,he hasn’t bought her any gift not as little as oranges except on one or two occasions when she needed to purchase a sim and he chooses to buy it and pay for it….( she told him abt this and he promised to change,but did nothing even when he had a chance to),she has to tell and push him to do things b4 he decides he will do them, she observes he agrees to anything she says even though he doesn’t agree and he doesn’t share d disagreement with her, he complains she ask him questions like he is writing an exam ( questions like what is Ur vision in life,what r Ur strengths and weaknesses,do U hv a mentor,hobbies.. etc.) ,no serious discussions on d future of d relationship when he calls than “hw r u,hw is Ur family,hv U eaten,hw was Ur day… ” almost every time,…..( d Lady is a giver,)… Now she feels unsettled within and is afraid to go on with d relationship. She wud like to speak to U more on this. Pls!

    • Hi,

      You might need to read part 4 and 5 of this set of articles to get more light.

      Your Write up indicates that you are a lady with the controlling type of persona. Sometimes you might be pushing too hard and need to step back a bit.

      His not buying a gift is no indication that he doesn’t love. What does he do with his money? He might be more focused on saving up for your marriage and the home he wants to build for both of you.

      When you both go out, who bears the bill?

      There are many questions to ask and answer here. You can reach me on articles@davinadiaries.com c/o Ross T

      Later then

      Ross

  12. Comment: I’m in love with a guy at his early thirties, 2months down the relationship, he opened up having a wife and 3kids and he still take care of them, bought car for the woman and rented good house for his family and do stay there when he comes around.
    We have dated for more than a year now after his confession, but I seems not to be able to make up my mind on marrying him or not.
    he is ready to marry me claiming the first marriage is not working and he hasn’t divorce her yet.

    I’m so confused and can’t understand where to start, because it’s so obvious we both love each other and seems to be a perfect match.
    kindly advice

    • Hello, I don’t know much about these things but it’s rare for a married man to leave his wife and 3 kids to start over with someone else. Yes, it seems like a perfect match at the moment but know that issues are bound to come up in a relationship and I don’t think it would feel so perfect when such a time comes. Besides, if he can leave his family to be with you, who says he can’t leave you to be with someone else “when the marriage isn’t working”?.

    • Hi,

      Please read our first article on this topic.
      Men look for 3 broad types of women, a wife, a mistress and a short time girlfriend.

      Please smell the coffee. He has a wife and has found a mistress in you. He is not about to leave his wife and kids for you. He has his cake and is eating it.

      This would only end up in hurts for you. Walk away now.

      Warm regards

      Ross

  13. Comment: I impregnated my girlfriend toward end of my service year. my intention was marrying her which pregnancy made us to do introduction. she dropped out of Skul.am workin.now 2kids.admission unsuccessful til nw,no giving up.in d beginning, I luv her dearly. now its dead.I tried councelin with her BT not lovin her again. during those times she wud abuse me,send me to my family wen dia is challenges or misunderstanding.I used to b afraid,avoid,change d gravity of cercumstanc bcos of her.I told her parents. they said is bcos of wat happened to her.d preg,dropin out etc.v begged her,I promised to standby her since n she still bhavin like dis.nw am done.CNT leave d rest of my life like dis I want separatn n she started crying n begin cos she new am really done.v changed.impatient, not hapy wit masef for my choice.kepin lateness.I accepted to giv her second chance,third chance,many chances.still same,I kept quiet. I want to send her back to Skul,stand her wel b4 I break all. I v to move on.kids CNT stop me,am responsible, love n proud of ma kids.don’t hate dia mum BT CNT stay no more. if u desire to c both of us,DAT will b great.

    • Hi Eman,

      I kinda feel your pain through the mail.
      You really look like you want a true solution.

      This is the danger of sex before marriage.
      But guy, first you had one and then a second one. Hmmmmmm. Quite tough.

      Now the hard and controversial part.
      Truth is that pregnancy is the worse reason to get married. You would both live a miserable life especially when you are both not ready.

      There are many things you need to balance. Your responsibility towards your kids and your responsibility for their joy and happiness.

      If they would be brought up in a home where the parents are constantly quarreling, there is no joy. Children require love, care and guidance to live well.

      My suggestion. Your woman needs to go back to school.
      Your kids need love and stability. You both need to seat down and make the best of the situation.

      You both write me at articles@davinadiaries.com C/O TRoss.
      I can speak to you both on phone

  14. Good morning,pls i am a 31 years old girl who is in a relationship with a guy of 33 but he is starting from the scratch and i am more than willing to help him with the resources.but we dont seem to agree on religious issues since we are of different denomination(he is catholic and i am pentecostal)and its affecting our relationship badly…what do i do?

    • Hi Queen,

      You would both need to find common ground if you don’t, there can be no relationship.

      As you already indicated, your relationship is being affected. Marriage is based on a relationship. Where a relationship does not exist, then there can be no marriage.

      Best regards

      Ross

    • Hi Vanessa,

      Men seek. Women are found.
      When we say seeking as in the title, we speak of the lady who desires to be married,

      Hope this helps

      Ross

  15. Comment:gdevn,
    am a lady in my late twenties(26yrs) and a mother of one. am into a rship for 2yrs now and my friend is aware of me having a baby from day one. he promise to marry me and he’s asked me to be patient with him for naw, reason been that he is not financially ready. his parents are late and his siblings have been pressurizing him to get married even to the extent of. suggesting ladies from his village for him to marry but he keep turning them down and also told them that he has some1 he wants to marry. he told them i av a baby but he doesn’t care bcos according to him, his soirit kips convincing him that am his wife. but his siblings are trying to discourage him from settling wit mi reason bin that i already av a child and am not from the same state with him. pls. i need ur advice. tnks.

    • Hi,

      From what you have said here, you have his assurances of getting married to him.

      You also said that he has rebuffed all attempts of getting him a wife from his family. I am sure he is fully aware you have a baby as well as knowing that you are from a different state.

      Unless there is something you are not telling me, I would suggest you wait for him as he has asked you to.

      Warm regards

      Ross

  16. Nice article,thanks ……..
    Pls i seriously need advice, i am 25yrs & i have bin in a relationship for 4yrs nw,it started way back frm school, we graduated d same year and he is currently serving, he is 3yrs older than i am….we started frm friendship then it grew to Love,we love and cherish each other and also share the same view of Life…. I turned down so many jst for him(working class and self made guys) which i dnt regret cos i saw so many potentials in him.
    We have planned our live dat even our parents are aware of our relationship. Since after our graduation,we have bin separated though we talk everyday and also see once in a while, bt My problem nw is dat my feelings for him has dropped so much, that i even dreamt three days back dat we wedded bt in dat dream i was not happy ,was feeling very bitter on the first day of our married life unlike me dat jst the thought of marrying him makes my day….
    Seriously, i have bin thinking since dat day dat i dnt even knw if i still want to end up wit him…Thanks, bt pls advice and guard me cos am seriously confused

    • Hmmmmm,

      Quite interesting.

      First of all, I think that the distance between both of you is allowing you get a fresh perspective on the relationship.

      Maybe you are seeing things you didn’t allow yourself see before? Allow your mind and thoughts to become more analytical and look at the relationship more critically.

      Also, from what I see you have been in a relationship all your adult live. Did you really have enough information to make the choice you made? Maybe you should both step back and look at you relationship through fresh eyes.

      Br.
      Ross

  17. From the comments I have read so far on the four articles, it seems to me that this is a forum for those in a relationship. For me, I am not in any relationship but I like a guy and I feel he might be interested in me even though he hasn’t said anything yet and there is another who is interested in me and has made the move but there has been some little things I have noticed that is holding me back. Should I still hold on for the one I like hoping he comes around or do I go with the one who is interested in me?

    • Hi,

      The articles are designed to help you make the right relationship and marriage choices.

      If you like the guy, find a way of knowing how he feels for you. Get a mutual freind to stylishly ask for you.

      Maybe he is also not sure of what you want seeing that there is another man in your life ?

      Getting to find out his true feelings for you would help you move on with your life.

      As per the other guy, maybe you should get counsel on why you are uncomfortable with him. Do you have a mentor you can talk to? Read article 5. It has more along these lines.

      Warm regards.

      Ross

  18. Does height really matter when it comes to marriage? I have a guy who is good, godly very caring and loves me a great deal. My only concern is that He is a bit smallish, I am convinced in my spirit that He will make a good husband bit His size keeps popping up. Not like I am really tall my self. Please your word on this. Thanks

  19. Thanks pastor. I met a guy during my undergraduate days we dated for four years and fall into the temptation of sex, ever since, I developed hatred or something close to that for him. He has been trying to make things workout but his effort nauseate me. He went into another relationship and is back to make up with me. he talks too much which I think its pride and have no job yet. need advice

  20. Comment: I’m a lady of abt 24yrs now av been in different relationships since I was 18 fell into d sin of fornication during dis years! but av since 22 stopped having sex and gave my life to christ. his Grace has been keeping so far but now I’m having feelings for my single’s president though he doesn’t know. was discussing with him sometime ago and I told him I liked someone in church he was curious to know d person bt couldn’t tell him he was d one meanwhile Der are two other brothers seeking for a relationship with me in church I dnt like one of dem but d other I get d sensual feeling when I’m around him I’m cofused as to what to do becos d single’s president believes I’m still young and I need to finish my studies becos I still av two more years to do in school but I love or maybe I like him

  21. Comment:I luv ds forum is educative and since I started following I hv really discovered my strength like wise my weakness too and I kn it wl help me a lot.

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