Whether you like it or not, when on a date, a lady can easily tell whether a guy is only interested in having sex with her before the end of a meal. She can tell if he’s got serious, personal growth work to do or if he’s truly interested in getting to know her over several dates before they undress.
Pitfalls cover all categories of courtship, from wanting sex to wanting a future with a woman. And most women won’t patiently wait for you to learn what to do right.
So here we go! These are the 5 pitfalls of dating after divorce that divorced men often find themselves in:
- You expect sex from her.
Please manage your sex drive. Women know you’re horny; we get that you’re all stressed out and need a release. You probably have some religious rules against taking care of yourself or you’re too embarrassed and afraid to hire someone to help, and besides, that’s not who you are… got it!
However, women are not there strictly for your sexual needs to be met. Even when we’re horny too. The woman you want is not going to sleep with you on the first date. Seriously. Get that!
I’m not saying don’t have sex. Just don’t think it’s going to go anywhere good if you hook up on your first night out at a bar after you’ve just moved out of your marriage bed. Know that hook ups have their place but they usually don’t end with warm and fuzzy feelings.
2. You go for looks rather than personality.
Your desire for a beautiful woman is natural and normal. There is nothing wrong with a normal desire and attraction for beautiful women. You’ve been attracted to beauty since you were a boy and things won’t change now. However, women are people too.
Not to get all political and such here, but how often do you look at your daughter like a piece of meat? (Don’t pretend that you don’t.) Now, how does that feel to think other men look at her that way?
We know what you’re up to and sure, we dress up to win your eye and like it when you notice, but sometimes beauty really and truly is only skin deep. And most of the time, when you ignore the beautiful and good, healthy woman in the corner, she also knows that you’re trouble and will stay away!
That beauty in the size 4 skin tight dress may not be the healthy and available partner you’d like night after night. She may be a great ego boost for the short term and she may be great in bed but she may also be filled with STD’s or have a drinking problem.
- You can’t do simple housework.
No woman can be your mother and your lover at the same time. You’re going through a divorce and it’s time to grow up. Any woman who volunteers to come to your rescue will bore you to tears within months of knowing her! Don’t be fooled by that “Let me help you” attitude. It reeks of co-dependence and is a future headache.
Instead, learn to care for yourself. Figure things out. You can manage way more than you realize especially in this day and age when the information you need is at your fingertips. If you don’t know how to manage a home, learn.
I assure you that women worth your attention will find a man capable of making dinner way more attractive than one who can’t make his own coffee or fold his own clothes.
- You talk to her about your divorce.
You’re going to be under a microscope (unless she’s just using you for sex or your money or both). Get that. Get that you are being evaluated way more than you’re sizing up the size of her waist.
No woman worth your attention wants a bad man. (News Flash: the taller, better looking, and wealthier you are, the more a good woman will be eyeing the facts.) At the same time, no woman wants to be your therapist! Just like some girl acting like your mom won’t be your lover; the date you use as your therapist won’t be turned on by your stuff.
So change the subject, learn how to be curious about her. Who’s this woman you’re hanging out with? What makes her tick? What turns her on?
I guess that means, stop using women strictly for your own needs! And that means that you need to find someone to talk to. Going through a divorce is tough. Hire a coach (who works with men!) Find a therapist. Speak with your church Pastor. Get yourself some help and be open and coachable so that you don’t make the same mistakes again.
If you want a good partner in the future (and when the anger subsides, you will want one) then go heal. Grow. Stretch. Become the kind of man you would want your own daughter or your sister to marry.
- You have a lot of drama around the divorce.
The woman you want isn’t going to tolerate your drama. I was at this event one evening speaking with this tall, handsome attorney. It was going great until he announced he was going through a divorce and had just had a fight with his teenage son.
With that, I asked, “Why are you fighting with your kids?” and I walked away. You see, I’ve got enough of my own drama to deal with, and definitely didn’t need his!
Remember, you will never outgrow the need for drama until you decide it’s not worth it.