This is the first episode of a new series of articles I would be doing on the subject of sexual molestation and how to deal with it.
An extraordinarily high number of children suffer sexual abuse. Approximately 18–19% of women and 8% of men disclose being sexually abused when they were children. The gender gap may be caused by the higher victimization of girls, the lower willingness of men to disclose abuse or both. Most sexual abuse offenders are acquainted with their victims; approximately 30% are relatives of the child, most often fathers, uncles or cousins; around 60% are other acquaintances such as friends of the family, babysitters, or neighbors; strangers are the offenders in approximately 10% of child sexual abuse cases. Most child sexual abuse is committed by men; women commit approximately 14% of offenses reported against boys and 6% of offenses reported against girls. Child sexual abuse offenders are not pedophiles unless they have a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children.
Child sexual abuse dumps a huge burden on the victim. The sad thing about the abuse is that in 90% of the cases, the perpetrator ( The beast) usually walks away as the victor leaving the victim to suffer psychological and emotional consequences all through the rest of their lives.
One consequence of the emotional trauma is that the victim is left with poor self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness and several times, the victim becomes dysfunctional in the larger society. They have this feeling that Something precious has been taken from them but they don’t realise what that is.
Why does the beast walk away a victor? This is something we intend to explore here. We encourage people to write their stories for several reasons. First of all, writing your story is therapeutic. It helps release some hidden demons and allows you walk away from it all. Secondly, people who have gone through same can relate and realise that they are not the only ones. It gives them the courage to stand and fight. Thirdly, your story can help prevent another victim because someone reading this can take the necessary precautions to ensure their kids are not the next victims of sexual abuse.
What do I intend to also further achieve? I believe it isn’t too late to call out some of the beasts. I really don’t believe we should “let sleeping dogs lie” some of the cases I have had to deal with here are truly pathetic and you can’t believe that humans can do stuff like this to others just because they are selfish. Why attack a young defenseless child sexually? Why not pick on your own mates If Bill Crosby can be brought to book, why can’t others? so here goes.
Ijeoma’s story is in 3 parts. I will take the introduction and the story here. I will deal with the consequences and start the examination in part 2 and then we will do a conclusion on this case in part 3.
I hope I can jolt some more people to tell their story and get more people to start to take affirmative action to deal with this menace. Please take out time to drop your comments and your thoughts in the comment section below. If you want to share your story, please send to me at email@example.com. I take the liberty to change names, events, and situations to protect those sharing their stories with me. I don’t take your bravery for granted. You can read more stories in the survivor series by clicking here.
When the Beast Becomes The Victor: Overcoming Sexual Abuse, Ijeoma Part 1
Good day, Ross. T,
I just got to read the post about my email on Facebook and one of the recommendations was that I should write about my molestation. This is Ijeoma and my child molestation story goes as this:
I was born a twin into an average family. My father worked with an auto company as the company manager we were quite comfortable and my mum who had an NCE was a primary school teacher.
We had been in the habit of living from one state to the other as my father was constantly transferred and anywhere he went my mum always packed up and followed until they decided that we settled in one of the western states here in Nigeria.
I and my twin brother were 5years old then going on 6 years and our parents were planning a big birthday bash for us. I remember my mum complaining that our house then was too big for her to keep cleaning alone and she needed some help. Mind you, her younger sisters used to stay with us before but they had all gone to various higher institutions. They only were around during the holidays
This complaint of hers led my father to visit our village and come back with a then 18year old
cousin of his. He stayed in the boys quarters but was in the main house most of the time running errands and anytime our parents were not around he stayed with us.
It all started after our 6year old party. My mum would ask him on several occasions to help supervise us as we had our bath. Then one evening we were sitting on the balcony outside and he asked me to sit on his lap while he moved his hand up and down my lap. Then it graduated to sticking his tongue into my mouth. All this would happen just after he would have sent my twin brother on errands such as buying biscuits.
I remember being uncomfortable anytime we had to have our bath. I would tell my mum that I was a big girl and could bathe myself but my mum was very strict and one look from her was enough to tell that what I was saying did not matter to her.
She had just opened a restaurant in the university then and was very focused on making it a success so she was always busy. By then Uncle Chidi which is his name had advanced to asking me to hold and massage his penis until a liquid substance would come out. On some occasions, he would put his penis in my mouth.
One day he told my mum he was sick so I and my brother were asked to take food to him in the boys quarters. Immediately we got there he gave my brother money to go get biscuits while I was asked to stay back despite insisting I wanted to go with my brother. Then when my brother had gone he told me he was sick but I could help him get well.
Being naive at that age I got worried and genuinely wanted to help him get well so I asked him what I could do to help out. He asked me to lie down on his foam and took off my skirt and pant. By then I started to shake as he used to insert his finger into my vagina sometimes and it was quite painful. So I had an idea of what he wanted to do only this time it was not his finger. He tried getting his penis into me but it was proving a tough job.
I remember him going for shea butter oil which he then rubbed on his penis. By then I was already crying from the pains inflicted during his first trial. I got lucky that day as my brother arrived earlier than expected and he hurriedly pulled my skirt back down and wore my pant back. My brother
asked me why I had tears in my eyes but uncle Chidi gave an excuse which I can’t quite remember now.
I was lucky that day but some days later he had his way and it happened in our flat. This time our parents were out as usual. He got his way and it continued for the next 4 years until I was 10 years old.
We moved to another house and his cup got full the day he tried having sex with a female househelp my mum got to assist her in her restaurant. That was when my mum found out and he ran away. She started asking me if he had touched me but by then I had grown a thick skin against it all and I said no.
I am 32 years old now. My mum died 8 years ago when I was 24year old and we had to go to the village to bury her. Several people were coming to console us and lo and behold uncle Chidi was one of them. That was 15years after he had run away and he didn’t come alone. He now had a wife and two daughters whom he brought that day with him. After ruining me emotionally and physiologically, he was appearing all smiley with his wife and daughters. I refused to acknowledge his greetings then as it all came flooding back to me.
I started to wonder why bad people get to live long but I am very devoted to my religion and I have been learning how to get past the hurt in my heart.
I have forgiven him but I never knew it still had a hold on my interactions with guys like you mentioned please Dear Davina how do I get healed of this as it is now very easy for me to walk away from any man who I feel has ill thoughts towards me. I don’t give any chances I just walk away.
to be continued…..